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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

if you've been left, how do you trust again?

16 replies

MistressMiggins · 19/10/2006 21:14

it is a relationship topic but also lone parent

its just I didnt want the marriage to end but exH had affair & seemed he couldnt give her up properly so he left last Nov

I wasnt looking....but accidentally met bloke in June who has persued me relentlessly and was so attentive & well mannered etc etc and yet something has changed this weekend and now he has gone cold

if Id chosen to end my marriage, it would be easier to move on but its just so hard.... gone from rejection from husband to now this "fling" - what else can yuo call it

PARP myself off my own thread

OP posts:

maturer · 19/10/2006 21:22

Good to hear from you MMiggins.

Don't know how to answer this as when I thought my dh was leaving in similar circumstances I remeber thinking how do I ever trust a man again?

All you can do is be honest about your expereience and feelings....have you tried to ask him is there something wrong? His change could be due to something completley unrelated, perhaps he doesn't feel he knows you well enough yet to confide?

You were so strong and did so well when all this happened, don't let the ghosts haunt you!

Original poster

MistressMiggins · 19/10/2006 21:25

just going to stay away from men
more trouble than worth

OP posts:

maturer · 19/10/2006 21:32

There loss MM.....don't let your ex win!

Pannfriedpumpkin · 19/10/2006 22:16

isn't it a question of trusting yourself again, rather than someone else...and it is understandable to not trust an individual again rather than the whole content of a gender pot?? IMVHO

Original poster

MistressMiggins · 19/10/2006 22:26

interesting, what do you mean - trusting "Myself" again? do you mean Ive made bad choices & need to trust myself to choose wisely again?

OP posts:

Pannfriedpumpkin · 19/10/2006 22:31

mostly, yes...I did have a horrible break up, and doubted most of many abilities, and all of those concerned with making good judgements....knocks your confidence for six...but put it into perspective, eventually..I messed up very badly on this one...think of all the things you've made good judgements on in your past? You will soon find clear grounds to trust yourself, and so others again pretty soon, though perhaps with an accent on being careful.....

eidsvold · 19/10/2006 22:38

for me it took a long time and a lot of silly flings. My exdh left me for my best friend - double whammy. SHe has been bridesmaid at my wedding - known her since high school. They had an affair the whole time we were married.... talk about trust abused.

From that it took nearly 10 years before Ifound dh and well things are fab...... but I think I used to pick not so fab guys so I could justify getting rid of them or when it just dissolved. It really did take a long time to trust again.

fwiw - when I decided to forget about guys for a while and jsut enjoy myself and get on with life - that is when dh appeared. Once I decided to jut let it go iyswim.

Sorry probably sounds silly but that is how it was for me.

Pannfriedpumpkin · 19/10/2006 22:41

not silly at all eids....a long way round to go to come to an answer...but definitely go with the "accentuate the positives" in your life, enjoy you, and others will come to enjoy you as well....

eidsvold · 19/10/2006 22:53

not known for choosing the easy option

Pannfriedpumpkin · 19/10/2006 22:57

{smile]...not many options ARE easy..

Pannfriedpumpkin · 19/10/2006 22:58

incl. how to do an emocion....

hoolagirl · 19/10/2006 23:00

Its very hard to trust again when your life's been blown apart by an infidelity.
I think i've been seeing my bf for around 6 months longer than you MM.
What I have done is take this relationship on its own merit and how he treats me generally (like a queen).
Try not to let your past experience ruin what could be a good thing.
To be honest though, I don't know if i'll every fully trust him and I do check his emails and mobile without him knowing
Apart from this everything's great and I guess that it just takes time !
Just a side effect I guess of being shat all over in the past !
I try never to make an issue out of the trust as it has come up before and he was truly hurt that I didn't trust him 100%.

eidsvold · 20/10/2006 03:22

i think it is a time thing you gradually come to trust them as time goes on. Dh and I have been married 5 years next week and together just over 5 years. We have been through things that have caused other relationships to break up BUT i guess that was the acid test with us. I fell pregnant with dd1 on our honeymoon. We have been together three months when we got married. Our dd1 turned out to have a serious heart defect requiring specialist care and surgery as well as having down syndrome. If that doesn't put a strain on a marriage just starting out then you know - but when I saw dh's response to this news and his support of me and 'us' I realised then I could trust him no matter what.

Having said that - don't suggest everyone run out and find the most stressful thing they can go through to 'test' a relationship.

Time really can make a difference.

eidsvold · 20/10/2006 03:27

we learnt of her condition when I was pregnant with her and of course made the decision to have her ( others may not have) but you know - still a stressful time to get through especially in the early days and the weeks of surgery and recovery in London with dh coming up to visit when he can.

don't want it to sound all doom and gloom - just wanted to give an example iyswim - will shut up now

LazyLou · 20/10/2006 05:10

I agree it is very difficult to trust again after these sorts of things have happened.

I was engaged to my ex for almost 3 years. We were living with my parents and he instigated a massive row between us all, which resulted in us moving in with 'friends'. He got a job as a roofer and was out a lot of the time and was always down the pub after work which used to annoy me but I let it go. We then fell out and 3 days later confessed that he had met someone else.

I was completely devestated, felt like my life was over etc etc. Suffered from clinical depression, anti-depressants for nearly 2 years, counselling.

His best friend was a brilliant support to me after that. He then fell out with my ex too and always maintained that my ex was way out of order for what he did to me.

Anyway, the best friend and I got together 2 years after I split up with my ex and he is now DH (4 years later!!)

It was easy to trust him because he had always been there, through all the rough times with the ex and the depression and so on. I did sometimes wonder when we first got together if he would pull a similar stunt to that of my ex but I just know that he wouldn't do anything like that, and even if he did, the other woman would send him straight back .

Seriously though, I agree that nice things happen if you don't necessarily think about them, or do anything particular to bring them about IYSWIM. Trust is something that has to be earned over time, even in new relationships and I'm sure that in time, you will meet someone with whom you just click and the trust will be built and your faith in men restored.

Sorry that was really long, but I hope it helps

lizziemun · 20/10/2006 13:07

Haven't been in your situation but can say from my mum she had been with my dad since they were 13 and 14 got married whrn she was 17 and him 18 were married for 25yrs (he left on their anniversy to be with his gf). That was 14 years ago and still she will not trust a man again, i mean she is only 57 and has got plenty of life left but she doesn't want to let a man hurt her again.

I think you need do what is best for you. Perhaps you haven't come to terms with your marriage break up and need more time to find who you are and what you need to make and your children happy. It might like mauturer said he might have had other things on his mind and because of what happen with your xh you are looking on the black side of things. Try asking him what wrong.

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