Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed

11 replies

YellowTangerine · 30/01/2015 12:01

Hello I'll try my best not to drip feed but it's quite a confusing situation.
I have a 3 week old DD and her father left me when I was pregnant. He got with someone else and when that didn't work out for him he came back and I stupidly let him. He then left me again 3 days after the birth of our DD and hasn't seen her or spoke to me since.
He has now contacted me today asking to see DD. I'm still heartbroken over what happened and I don't think I can face seeing but I'll have to see him with DD as breastfeeding.
Any advice on what I should do in this situation? I don't know whether I should just suck it up and see him and deal with the pain or whether I should say he can't see her yet. Thank you

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 30/01/2015 12:06

I would base my decision on whether you believed he was going to be a regular and consistent part of her life.

If you thought not? Then I would just ignore.

bobs123 · 30/01/2015 12:09

Firstly, so sorry this has happened Flowers

At the moment he is pulling the strings and I should make it about you now. If you don't feel able to see him I should tell him so. I would also question why he wants to see DD - is it that he want to come back again and are you strong enough to deal with it? Is it that he has having problems coping with being a father?

Your head will be all over the place and from an outsider's perspective the fact that he has walked away not once but twice would make me think twice before letting him back into my life until I am good and ready - even if it is just to see your DD.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 12:57

You are not obliged to do anything. He's brought nothing good to your life so far, if you don't count a few strands of DNA that created your lovely baby. I don't suppose you've even registered the birth yet? You're still recovering from the trauma of giving birth, you are not physically or emotionally in a position to be dealing with more upset. Be with people who actually want to bring something positive to your life... friends, family etc..... he can be safely left on the back burner until you feel a lot more able to cope.

If you want to get a message to him to that effect, delegate it to a family member or friend.

tribpot · 30/01/2015 13:04

I would ask a family member or friend to take her in her pram to somewhere nearby once she's had a feed. He will need to flexible about timing because a 3 week old baby is all about flexible timings! And he can see her there for 30 mins. No messages shall be passed on to you by the third party, the contact is not a way to communicate with you.

I don't think it's likely he will agree to abide by conditions because it I think it's unlikely he actually wants to see the baby. Anyone who walks out 3 days after a baby is born is hardly invested in being her parent. I suspect he just wants to come around and mess with your head a bit more.

intlmanofmystery · 30/01/2015 13:07

He is the father and so will have rights however given that she is so little and you are going through so much, now is not the right time. Getting the message to him indirectly (via family or a friend) is a good idea, just make it clear that you are not preventing him from seeing his daughter but that you just need more time. Could you face being in the same room as him for a short time if, for example, your mum/dad/close friend were with you as well?

Cabrinha · 30/01/2015 13:38

Apologies if anyone has thrown this in already...
At 3 weeks there's a chance you haven't registered her birth yet.
If so, and you are vulnerable to this man worming his way back in, do NOT let him register with you and get his name on the birth certificate.

Original poster
YellowTangerine · 30/01/2015 17:49

Thanks everyone. I was feeling like a horrid person for putting my own feelings first. I actually registered the birth last Friday and he knew the time but didn't turn up. I do suspect he won't be around for the long haul I just don't want my daughter to grow up and blame me for her dad not being around.

OP posts:
silverandblack · 30/01/2015 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 30/01/2015 18:19

There is no reason why your daughter can't have a good relationship with her father - at least, no reason that's in your control. The fact that he's a complete tool is not something you can control.

However, the good relationship doesn't need to start now, esp when he's been such a dick. If you don't have someone able to act as an intermediary for you, wait until you are feeling stronger and she is less dependent on you.

Original poster
YellowTangerine · 30/01/2015 21:56

I have given him my mums mobile number and said if he wants to see her he can arrange it through her. I suspect he won't though because my mum hates him and he knows this. I've said I'll be in contact with him in a few months and we can sort things out then. Going to use this time to recover and enjoy my DD! Thanks everyone

OP posts:
bobs123 · 31/01/2015 10:42

Well done and good luck...you'll get through it and you can now focus on your beautiful DD Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page