Kids are virtually adults but he won't make our relationship a priority

[hashegotwrongpriorities]

Been with DP for a long time.

We have always had issues surrounding what I feel is his over protectiveness towards the kids and him leaving me to the donkey work of parenting and him being the "nice" parent.

Our girls are aged 19, 17 and 12. He refuses to spend time alone with me if the children are home, he won't even sit in another room with a glass of wine or have an early night with me. He will take me out to dinner if the kids are out with friends or with the grandparents but that doesn't happen very often. If our friends arrange a night out, he will go but then he tries to get the girls to go out so he doesn't feel guilty!

He has a difficult relationship with his own Dad and despite still working with him every day he can't really talk with his Dad and I wonder if he is trying to compensate? Ironically, I feel I have a better relationship with the girls than he does because I really talk to them rather than just sitting in the front room while they are all glued to their various devices!

I've talked to the girls and although they are teens and happy to have someone to run around after them, they have all told me that they think it's a bit strange he won't expect them to change their plans so we can do something ourselves. In the summer he literally refused to come to a friends BBQ because he didn't want our eldest to walk home less than a mile away from the bus stop on a beautiful sunny afternoon!

When I try and talk to him he just says he wants the best for our kids and I should too. I point out that it is me that reminds them to do their chores and it is me that helps them with school work, chats about their day, cooks and cleans etc. He just wants to be taxi and have them by his side all the time.

I love my girls dearly but I don't feel it's healthy for them to never be allowed to stand on their own two feet and have to compromise. He works from home so picks them up from school and work everyday rather than have them walk home. My DD2 has knee problems and has been told by physio 3 times that she needs to exercise it regularly but he still insists on driving her everywhere and tells me to stop nagging her. :-(

When I'm down, I just feel that he sees me as the housekeeper and don't really have a say in my own home or in my relationship as a partner and as a mother.

"he just says he wants the best for our kids"

He wants to control every aspect of your DCs' lives and you're right to think it's excessive. Some people are irrationally scared of letting children out of their sight because they think there is danger on every corner. His poor relationship with his father could certainly lead him to be over-protective . I suspect, however, that this is an old-fashioned case of a man thinking he has total domain over women....

It is totally unacceptable to accuse you of not caring simply because you don't want to suffocate your DCs the same way. In addition- as you seem to be saying - if his controlling behaviour extends beyond the DCs and affects you directly, regularly dismissing your opinion and side-lining you more generally, then he's simply a controlling bully.

You're going to have to stand up to him far more and encourage your DDs to be much more independent at the same time.

Can I ask.... are your older DDs working, studying, planning to travel (gap years?), go away to uni, anything like that? Do they have boyfriends? A good social life?

Well, DD1 went through a very arrogant stage at around 16, she refused to study and said she was better than everyone else. She then did badly in her AS levels and, I think, lost all her confidence. We spoke about universities and I encouraged her to look at the best she could and that I felt with work and effort, she could do really well. I spent time explaining to her that she is bright and could do well but she would have to work hard. DP took her to look at one university despite promising to do more. This university was a part time evening one not a "proper" university. She gave up doing the difficult A levels after that as she decided she didn't want to go to uni. DP kept telling her that if she goes to Uni, they're all the same and she should go to somewhere local so she could commute. To be fair, she got herself a job in our nearest major town and works hard and now wants to do open university as well as she's realised that she doesn't want to be a shop assistant for the rest of her life. DP has told her that she needs to cut her work hours from full time to part time and to get a more local job, so she can have more time to study at home. She doesn't really have any friends though, which worries me but she has a long term boyfriend of 5 years who I like but find very overpowering. DP doesn't like him.

DD2 is doing really well in school and works hard. She is talking about going to russel group uni and understands the differences. However, she also doesn't really socialise much and again, has a long term boyfriend of 3 years who is lovely and DP really likes. I don't expect the boyfriend to go to Uni and I worry that DD2 will stay home to be with him rather than leave home and get a good education. DP is certainly saying all the right things this time and seems to have taken on board the differences between the universities etc. But she is nearly 2 years away from leaving to go and I wonder if he will change his attitude nearer the time.

It sounds suffocating for your children and demoralising for you. I would be very worried about what sort of relationship you will be left with when your children eventually leave home. I assume that you are worried about this too.

As to what you do about it, that's a tough one.

Our children are grown up now - one married and one soon to leave home and it is a huge relief that me and my husband still have a good relationship when it's just the two of us. You are right about having to prioritise time together apart from the family unit.

He really can be the most loving man but if the girls are around, I always feel pushed aside. I don't know if he is jealous of our relationship or what? I've tried talking to him and explaining that the girls need independence and encouraging to spread their wings. I've also tried asking for weekends away etc but he always makes excuses about not wanting to leave the girls, too much responsibility etc. If they all go to his parents, then he will book a lovely restaurant and explain that he's "making an effort" to spend time with me. But the reality is he won't do it and leave the girls at home, so it's a rare occurrence.

Is it because you would be asking the older two to look after the 12 year old? Mine are very close in age, so we only left them at home when they were both old enough and neither had to be in charge.

We did have babysitters though and even a couple of long weekends without them. I suppose you have to make a conscious effort to be a couple. When they are young it is easy because they go to bed earlier and you can have some time alone. We tended to eat when the children had gone to bed. When they are older you can just leave them at home for the evening. I guess that having to deal with younger and older children together does complicate things slightly.

I've just noticed that you said this:

I've also tried asking for weekends away etc but he always makes excuses about not wanting to leave the girls, too much responsibility etc.

Does he mean too much responsibility for the older ones? Do you think the 19 and 17 year old would be ok to do this? Personally I think it would be good for them to have the responsibility despite the fact that I was as guilty of babying my children as many parents are these days.

Goodness, your DD1's teenage strop about studying played right into his hands, didn't it? And now she's at home, working, presumably about to have the means to become fully independent and DH is trying to get her to cut her working hours so she can spend more time at home studying?

That's a very strange dynamic OP and you are right to be worried. It does seem to me like a man who wants to be in control of his wimmen folk. Whether that's through some misguided 'protection' instinct or whether he wants control for control's sake, I don't know.

Hmm, you could well be right about the odd dynamic Lonny.

I'm also worried about the overbearing boyfriend. It's too simplistic to say that a controlling Dad has led to a controlling relationship but she's got no chance at developing her independence if she's spending all her time keeping both of them happy.

Your daughters are learning a rotten lesson from their Dad; that they are helpless little things who's lives are under the control of the man in their lives. Hence the following this training with choosing controlling boyfriends as well, as they've been brainwashed into finding it normal.

He may be telling himself and you he's being a good Dad, but he's being a terrible one. He's either doing it deliberately, or has gone badly astray with how to parent.

Having said that, I don't know how far you will get with changing the situation at this late stage. It should have been nipped in the bud when the oldest was getting to an age where more independence is normal, around 12 years old.

I'm quite shocked at how awfully your daughters are being raised. This is going to create real problems for them in being functional adults and having healthy relationships.

Time for this to stop. Older girls need to put their foot down over the ridiculous babying of them. You need to let him know this is not going to happen with youngest. He needs to be told what a shoddy job he is doing of raising children.

If he doesn't like it, what are you going to do about it?

If it doesn't stop your daughters are going to be weak and hopeless as adults. (well, two of them are already weak and hopeless as adults).

And on your relationship - why is a man who doesn't want to spend time with you as a couple still appealing to you as a partner?

He sounds like one of those 'nice on the outside' but nasty control-freak bastards on the inside.

Why not encourage him to go to counselling to deal with his problems with his own dad? Also to get some hobbies and a life. Might be easier to approach it that way.

Hello Has

Surely the 17 & 19 year old can have their own transport ? to, walk, bicycle, moped, car, bus, train ? Do they have some of their own money for travel ?

It seems like there is an element of what I term "wrapping people in cotton wool"

How far would you cycle each way to work/school each way ?

If you can drive a car/moped it also opens up alot more job opportunities or commute via other means of transport eg train

I would suggest starting by making some changes

Good luck

Dd1 does travel to work by bus but he insists on delivering all the girls to the bus stop to save them less than a mile walk. My girls don't do any other form of exercise apart from the youngest who does swimming and horse riding.
We had relate counselling a few years ago. The counsellor brought up lots of stuff about his dad then and told him to stop making excuses about babying the girls.
Things are better but I think he's just got better at saying the right things to me.

Hello Has
Ref your eldest daughter, I would suggest not giving up work for Open University, this can be done in spare time in modules - takes time & effort !
Some big companies allow their staff to complete courses whist at work & even pay for exams.
Also your local college/university should offer short courses eg evenings & weekends for a variety of subjects, which allows you to try different things.
I guess your daughter needs to decide what direction her career is to go in the future - maybe suggest she tries some voluntary work in spare time in an area that she may like to change jobs.

Someone suggested "when is the right time to cut the apron strings ?"

Has - maybe you should join an evening college class & start the ball rolling for a bit of independence. Have some time away from your partner & children, meet some new people ?

Lets look at it from another angle
If your eldest had gone away to University they would have been much more independent at 18

Maybe you could think of some small changes to the household dynamic ?

I hope this helps & good luck ?