borderline personality disorder.. Can I manage being a manager?

[DippyDooDahDay]

I was diagnosed approx 18 months ago and had some 1:1 with a psychiatrist who then retired. We identified my emotional immaturity/ vulnerability. I have highs and lows that can change more than daily. I manage these internally and I am consistent in my, fairly new role, as a manager in a team that I was a worker in before promotion. Where I struggle is that some of the staff have decided that I am the bad cop, where my manager is good cop. So there is an atmosphere when I am there with some team members. I have tried different approaches and some days I just think oh well, it's up to them, but other days I really don't seem to be able to stop it upsetting me, privately. I can feel myself slipping back into depression and my self-esteem is shot. My manager is not interested, he just wants me to be the tower of strength and make him look good. Home life is stressful as single mum to 2 dc. No BPD services for me in this area. Am paying for counselling.
I am just wondering if other people on here with BPD have managed to adjust to stressful jobs?
Thanks...

If your work is making you feel depressed and impacting on your confidence, then you are probably not suited to the role unfortunately. Being an effective manager, to a certain extent, means setting aside ideas of whether people like you or not. Obviously it's a nicer working environment if everyone gets along and you'd want to stamp on any actual abuse or disruptive behaviour, but you're there to get the job done and that often means detaching yourself emotionally. There's a limit to what a manager can do if someone is incompatible with a role. He doesn't sound very compassionate but, at the same time, he can't solve your problems for you.

My husband has been diagnosed with BPD and he is a manager of sorts in the Armed Forces.

He finds it hard to be the 'bad cop' as he really wants to be liked by people. As a result he is very easy going as a boss, but he does manage to discipline people if the need arises, luckily not very often.

He finds it best to compartmentalise work and personal life, as cogito says - detaching himself emotionally. Is this something you could discuss with your counsellor?

Ultimately though you need to put your mental well-being first.

Thanks.
Find it hard to separate the two. My organisation really encouraged me to go for this as I was 'ideally suited'. My previous manager was brilliant, effective and very supportive. My current manager is not proactive and also gives me things to do that, if anyone complains about, he denies having asked me to do that. He does this to my face, so as well as feeling isolated from the team, I feel I cannot trust or have confidence in my manager!
Time to do some thinking...

Then it's less about whether you're cut out to be a manager per se and whether you're suited to this particular role within this particular organisation. If your line manager is not just unsupportive but a self-serving arse-coverer that makes life difficult, you are allowed to be very pissed off.

There are ways of dealing with someone like that which don't involve blaming yourself...

1. Commit everything to e-mail so that you have a paper trail in case of disputed decisions. If he covers his arse, cover yours better... :)
2. Develop your relationship with your manager's line manager and gently dob him in as and when it feels right.
3. Seek a transfer within the company.... bill it as 'looking for a new challenge'
4. Look for a similar role with another company.... and make sure they know why you left at your exit interview.

Should add... who was it specifically in the organisation that encouraged you to go for it? If they have faith in you, spend time with them, seek their advice, talk to them about your Mr Arse-Coverer

Thanks. I have decided to ask to step down.. I have not got enough fight in me at the moment and need to make sure I am not managed out as I need some job security for dc's. You are right in that I am not suited to thus position, am much better doing case work.
Many thanks for responses.

Hi DDDD. I could have written some of your post. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, but do feel quite 'off' emotionally, quite a lot (kind of unstable, with the key characteristics of emotional immaturity/ vulnerability, need for approval, etc.). I was promoted into a managerial role, didn't have the support from my management, struggled with a dual workload (was only temp promo, so had previous role also) for 2 years. Also had active undermining from those I managed. Result = near breakdown, self-esteem shot, etc. etc. I stood down from the role. Has taken guts of a year to recover, and I'm still not there.

So, that was me. What about you? If you're not yet at breaking point (in which case, yes, of course step down. It's just a J.O.B.), what about considering Cogito's second post. She sounds very grounded and sensible, with good boundaries (like wot we don't have!). I held everything in until I broke, but her stepwise points are very clear. Especially seeking advice/support of the person who initially encouraged you, and your manager's manager.

If you stick with your decision to step down, try to step down in an orderly fashion with a plan for support/training (whilst you're in your casework role) for a future go at management.

good luck with whatever you decide. I hope that you get what you want/need, and full support from your organisation.

all the best
'ender

It sounds like you are coping well in a difficult situation that is all about poor management and a lack of training.
If you haven't handed in your notice yet, don't.

1: Ask for training: it's pretty hard to go from being one of the team to having to manage the same team and take bigger decisions.

2: Ask your boss to support you, informal training if you like and see what mileage there is in the two of you becoming an effective team - good cop/bad cop roles are not helpful if there isn't a clear strategy about what it is you are trying to achieve together; also useful if you want to use that model for the two of you to swap around as necessary.

3: If they don't run training themselves see if there are some other resources that are useful to your role i.e. internet/books/online courses - maybe look from an HR perspective.

You sound quite vulnerable generally and it seems such an awful shame that you have been valued enough to get the promotion but not been given the tools (training) to do the job properly.
Basically don't think it's you, when it seems that it may be them