Not even really sure how to word this

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I have been casually seeing someone for just over a year. About 2 months ago we decided to work towards a relationship starting slowly with an exclusivity agreement (neither of us were intimate with others but we hadn't discussed it). I am very fond of him and his conduct towards me and everything suggests he is fond of me

Unfortunately I had a contraceptive failure and due to medical issues a TOP this was not disclosed to my sexual partner.

He was aware I had a procedure of some description but no idea what. Due to the nature of the medical issue and his view points being irrelevant to the outcome I did not disclose as I felt it would be unfair on us both if I did.

After the required abstaining from sex I obviously obtained a different form of contraception. After consulting with a specialist recently about contraceptive choices I was advised to not rely on the contraceptive option I had chosen and not rely on any hormonal contraception and to pretty much treat it as if any intimacy had been unprotected.

I was advised to have a blood test to assertain if another pregnancy had occurred (it hadn't) and due to sexual contact a few hours previously take the MAP they also advised inserting a copper coil. I took this advice.

Roll on 48 hours after and I was still in excruciating pain and bleeding very heavily I attended an emergency appointment with my GP who was very concerned about the coil and removed it.

My GP advises the use of a diaphragm and I will be being fitted for one within the next 2 weeks.

This contraceptive issue has troubled me lots and I would rather like some emotional support from my sexual partner. I also feel he needs to be aware that my contraception is different in order to ensure he makes an informed choice as the diaphragm is perceived as being significantly less reliable.

I did message him today asking if he could come round tonight as I wanted to discuss something important with him rather annoyingly he didn't show and didn't let me know until gone 11pm that he was not coming.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking your advice on apart from A. How to broach this B.am I being weird about wanting some support.

I still think it was wrong of you not to tell him about the TOP. Your bidy, your decision for sure, but I don't agree with not telling him.

You are now having a discussion based on this lie, of course it's going to be difficult.

So, you either tell him the truth or you continue with the lie.

If you continue with the lie then simply tell him that hormonal contraception isn't agreeing with you (messing with your periods, making you feel ill etc) and that you had the coil fitted but it made you very ill, so the next thing to try is the D, but as you feel it's not reliable enough then you'll need to use condoms as well.

Though, if he normally acts like he did tonight, we wouldn't need any contraception.

Regarding what to do about the contraceptive issue, I reckon use condoms as well as the diaphragm if it's not very reliable.

I do not think you're unreasonable at all to want support, and you should feel comfortable discussing all with your sexual partner/boyfriend and support should be taken for granted.

Another matter is it's very shabby him to not turn up. Can you tolerate such carelessness? He'd need a very good excuse if you were me.

Crossposted with chipping.

Emotional support from him? That's going to be tricky. You need emotional support because of the TOP, but you didn't tell him about it. If I were him I'd be confused about why emotional support was needed for a change of contraception.

How casually can you see someone for over a year? Is it just sex? Either way I am surprised you didn't tell him about the TOP - perhaps you aren't close (if relationship purely sexual). Your choice however

Very rude of him to simply not show tonight.

If this is just a sex thing, and you don't share personal stuff do you need to have a heart to heart about contraception? Why not just 'we need to use a condom' from now on?

I'm not wanting any emotional support about the TOP,I'm wanting it about the contraception.

I have spent 48 hours bleeding so much I was concerned the coil had done something very nasty to my insides it was more painful than induced child birth and this is after I thought I had the matter sorted by having an implant put in my arm. I just fancy a good cry and a hug.

We spend none sexual time together have fun and enjoy each others company.hes normally not so rude and I can't really knock him for not knowing his attendance was essential given that under normal circumstances I'm very robust

I didn't tell him about the top because I felt it was unfair to dump it in his lap when it was not possible to even pretend to consider his feelings about it.

Needsasockamnesty it seems like a time of high emotion for you. Sorry about your TOP, even tho it was your decision, it isn't a small thing really is it. Given the casual nature of your relationship, do you think he may have guessed about any of the stuff happening to you and is getting cold feet?

The reason I ask is just because of his unexplained non-show. Seems like maybe he is pulling back.

I'd be worried he isn't the rock you need right now

Can't you just say that you've had some problems with hormonal contraceptives and then the coil, so you the only option left is barrier contraceptives? You don't have to mention what started it all off.

I'd be unimpressed with someone agreeing to meet and then waiting till 11pm to say they weren't bothering, though. It's not really showing you much respect - do you think he's going to be there to give the support you need? I think he should be, if the relationship is going to have a future, but it's not looking that promising just now. (Based on one internet thread... we can't have the whole picture.)

I'm not wanting any emotional support about the TOP,I'm wanting it about the contraception

Yes, but my point was, you are going through all of this because your contraception failed you, resulting in you having a TOP. So you've tried other things, the TOP was awful no doubt and lonely, this faffing about with contraception is awful & lonely. You don't want to tell your casual date as you don't care what he thinks. You want support from your partner. On one hand he's your casual date/fuck buddy/whatever the next you want/expect him to be emotionally supportive like a partner.

One of you is trying to have your cake and eat it too. Which one?

You are normally robust? Do you mean a doormat that puts up with being treat shoddily? Always put him first? Appear 'cool' with stuff that pisses you off? What?

You told him you needed to talk, you asked him to come around and he agreed. Then he didn't have the common bloody decency to tell you, until gone 11, that he wasn't going to bother?!

It sounds to me like you want more from this than he does. It sounds like you want a proper relationship and he wants a casual fuck buddy/date.

I don't want to drag other threads into it, but I think that perhaps your self esteem isn't what it should be and even though he might be better than past men, he's still very much lacking :(

If I were you I'd have a damn good cry on a friends shoulder, gets some hugs from them and then reassess this situation all around

As for how to broach it, not really sure what you're asking, anyone who I'm comfortable enough to have their penis inside me I'm comfortable enough to discuss contraception with in a straightforward way! That's just part of being a grown up surely You don't have any obligation to say why you are preferring barrier methods from now on anyway. You might just want to give your body a break from hormones, it's your body.

You're not being unreasonable to want emotional support from a partner, for any reason that's important to you, but it doesn't sound like he wants to give it. What do you mean 'working towards a relationship'? Surely you're either in a proper relationship or not. If he doesn't let you know till 11pm he's not coming round, that doesn't sound like the level of basic respect I'd be expecting from a healthy relationship. I wouldn't treat a friend like that, and I would expect a romantic partner to treat me at least as well as a friend.

You sound a bit fragile at the moment and that's ok and perfectly understandable, going through an abortion is an emotional event no matter how robust a person you are. Be kind to yourself. But it does sound like you're expecting more from him than he's expecting to give.

chipping sorry to quote the entire post but you have some interesting questions.

Yes, but my point was, you are going through all of this because your contraception failed you, resulting in you having a TOP. So you've tried other things, the TOP was awful no doubt and lonely

nope, it was a minor medical intervention where as much support as i needed was provided by the staff and a close friend who took me and hung around all day then returned and stayed overnight.

this faffing about with contraception is awful & lonely. You don't want to tell your casual date as you don't care what he thinks. You want support from your partner. On one hand he's your casual date/fuck buddy/whatever the next you want/expect him to be emotionally supportive like a partner

It most certainly was not a case of not caring what he thinks. Due to the nature of the issue what he thought couldn't alter or change anything so no point in discussion with him.

As to the casual/FB ect. I do not rush into relationships that is why just dating and given the very briefness of changing from distant friends to
Romantic dating and sex I'm not entirely sure why that would be an issue. To me a year is still brand new and hardly any time at all.

One of you is trying to have your cake and eat it too. Which one?

Possibly both

You are normally robust? Do you mean a doormat that puts up with being treat shoddily? Always put him first? Appear 'cool' with stuff that pisses you off? What?

No I mean it would be unusual for me to need/want emotional support other than the happy share joy type, I'm an independent type who is rarely unable to deal with the little things life throws at people and just cheerfully gets on with it.i have far to many actual real pressures in life without needing to add daft things like pretending I'm cool with stuff or tolerating bad behaviour from a person I'm choosing to keep in my life.

You told him you needed to talk, you asked him to come around and he agreed. Then he didn't have the common bloody decency to tell you, until gone 11, that he wasn't going to bother?!

Very unusual behaviour and the only hint of anything negative from him and I will decide how I wish to address it
Its entirely possible he has a legit understandable reason if not then rudeness is not something I want in my life.

It sounds to me like you want more from this than he does. It sounds like you want a proper relationship and he wants a casual fuck buddy/date

As far as I'm aware and his usual actions tie in we are both viewing each other in the same future way.

I don't want to drag other threads into it, but I think that perhaps your self esteem isn't what it should be and even though he might be better than past men, he's still very much lacking

Past men? I'm guessing you mean my long term estranged ex the one (judicial seperation)I got rid of after the very first violent incident and actively protected myself and managed the criminal side and obtained professional support for the emotional side without issue almost 4 years ago? Or my late husband who was quite lovely,or perhaps my adult and older children's dad who I occasionally refer to but have never gone into much detail about other than in reference to court orders regarding one of our children (he was quite reasonable until an incident in his life that changed his behaviour well after we parted company). My self esteem is not an issue

If I were you I'd have a damn good cry on a friends shoulder, gets some hugs from them and then reassess this situation all around

This is probably exactly what I will end up doing

Sorry you're going through a difficult time

Is this really the man for you though? You've been spending time together as well as sex for a YEAR and you're still only "working towards a relationship"?
I think you've both had enough time to know whether you're together or not

When you asked him to come over because you needed to talk, I'm wondering if he jumped to the conclusion that you were going to tell him that you're pregnant.

If this is the case, his reaction was to run a mile! This suggests he would have been supportive of the TOP, and would be supportive of working with you to find contraceptive methods that will be effective.

Unfortunately, whatever the reason for him not showing up, it also suggests he's not committed.

Do people really start dating and do stuff like move in together and everything that entails inside of a year?

It was only a couple of months ago we had a conversation about exclusive dating.

Did you not discuss exclusive dating at some stage?

That's all I've done dated then dated whilst having sex then agreed we would only date and have sex with each other.

A year to two people who work excessive hours and have no desire for children to meet a BF yet is really not a long time

minor medical intervention

Having a mole removed is a minor medical intervention. Having a termination is not.

Lois it is a minor medical procedure that takes less than 10 minutes and a sit down for an hour afterwards.

For some women they don't have to even think about it. Especially ones who had one of the most effective types of contraception with no window for human error combined with a pregnancy related health condition that gets more sever and hits earlier each pregnancy and if treatment is not commenced soon enough becomes almost impossible to manage and can cause death.

I know what it entails. I've had one myself. Just don't underestimate it. Even if it's something you want/need to have done, it can have effects you didn't expect.

I know Lois I've got it in hand and am paying attention to my well being, should I suffer any issues I have faith in the aftercare service and how quickly I can access it.

Thank you for your concern.

"The doctor recommended I changed to a different form of contraception, so I did, and now..."

That's how I would broach it. No need to talk about the termination as precipitating that suggestion if that's how you've decided to deal with that. It may well prove something of an unpleasant experience, but now you're in the situation where you'd like to get some support from him, I guess starting the conversation is going to tell you whether he's really up for stepping things up from 'seeing' each other to being a 'boyfriend'. But I'd second the suggestion that you might want a more reliable shoulder to cry on while you're still figuring out what he means to you and vice versa.

Hope you're okay.

That is along the lines if what I was thinking.

Tbh a few years ago it is not something I would really talk about but mums net has changed me so now I think it's my duty to discuss that sort of thing made more important if you are not using something that's in the upper 90's % wise on effectiveness