Paranoia or affair?

[sotiredofallthis]

His PC and phone are locked. He has started to trash me (for something that happened 20 years ago). He is distant. A friend of mine who works at the same place as him (but not in the same office) has become very distant with me. He started talking about a new woman who joined and how great she was and has suddenly stopped mentioning her. When he has talked about this woman he told me something she had said about her DH and the affair he had which seemed completely inappropriate to me to discuss with your boss. We met 20 years ago and I was the OW. I have had no reason to doubt him in all that time but something is just wrong here.

Am I completely paranoid or is he having an affair?

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

He's bringing up an age old indiscretion of yours I a feeble attempt to justify the affair he is having/about to have, should you find out and confront him.

He is laying the groundwork to try and turn it round on you.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

It was either brave or stupid for the OP to admit she was the OW on here.

Let's not forget that it was her DH who was married and cheated on his partner. Yes, what she did was wrong but she has come on here for advice.

Affairs hurt, lots of us know that. I don't believe in karma and being nasty to the OP just shows MN in a bad light when I know there is lots of support on here.

I don't believe you can ever trust a partner if a relationship has started from such deceit as the OP is sadly finding out now.

OP - I hope you're okay. Don't search for concrete proof, he will have covered his tracks and it will drive you crazy. You will find out, he will slip up.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[HadleyHemingway]

I'm not trying to kick to OP when she's down. I'm just pointing out that this man has always been a dud. On the balance of probability, he's almost certainly having an affair, since that is what he does; cheats.

[babbityann]

Ask him outright. You will know then. Simple.
Why on earth would be start trashing you about something that happened 20 years ago????

[shovetheholly]

I don't believe 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. It's far too glib to cover all the complexities and reasons for infidelity - it's not always black and white, though I think some people think that the moral high ground can be occupied by pretending that it is so. (For the record: I have never cheated but have been cheated on).

Unfortunately, though, the sudden locking of phones rings alarm bells, OP. The PP who advised you to get your shit in order gave good advice. I would try to see a solicitor if you can, and to be honest if you have the cash I would also think about hiring someone with the expertise to get the evidence you need.

[getthefeckouttahere]

Wow, i personally think after 20 years you are forgiven for what you and your OH got up to.

All of this Karma, and what goes around comes around shit is precisely that. Shit. Designed to make you feel awful. Its dressed up in the guise of being helpful 'you know what he is capable of' but its not helpful, its real aim is to tell you off for once being the OW. Yuk yuk yuk.

[minkGrundy]

getthe exactly.
It's 20 years later!

I still think don't confront him about affair. It leaves you open to accusations of paranoia and jealousy etc.

Confront his behaviour. Why is he being a shit to you. Demand answers on that.

[HadleyHemingway]

It's not about 'karma' or saying the OP 'deserves' it.

OP asked whether she was being paranoid or if he's having an affair. Going on previous history, he's probably having an affair.

That's no judgement on the OP.

[AnyFucker]

He's got form

that makes op's question more likely to have a poor outcome

[hellsbellsmelons]

You ask him on the spot to unlock his phone and computer right there and then so you can be reassured he is not up to anything.
His response to this request will tell you all you need know.
If he's not guilty then you'll get immediate access to have a good snoop and he won't mind. Would you mind? To give your partner peace of mind? Of course not.
If he is, you'll get all the crap about trusting him and how this isn't fair, he has to have some privacy, he's entitled to that, etc... crap crap crap!!!
Seriously. That will tell you everything!
But, as a PP has said, get all your ducks in a row first.
It's crap but you have to tackle it.
And ignore the negative comments and just focus on the good advice on here.

[IrianofWay]

It sounds suspicious to me. I experienced most of what she described at times during H's A. Personally I don't think the OP deserves criticisim for what happened 20 years ago but the past may be relevant here

1. to indicate that this isn't something unthinkable to her H
   
2. she may be in a better position to analyse his behaviour than someone with no experience at all.
   

Someone mentioned that hearing about his colleagues marital difficulties may have triggered something in her H. If, 20 years ago, he had an affair and then left for the OP, he might not have had to deal with the devestation he left in his wake at the time. Maybe he is dealing with his feelings about it all by proxy

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Locked devices and a brief potent spell of mentionitis followed by no references at all and a sudden need to find fault? Only room for one woman on a pedestal at a time so by the sound of it he has someone else on his mind.

Unless the friend you mention who works at the same place suddenly comes forward with some information, I think you have to raise this with him again.

[sotiredofallthis]

I didn't want to leave this although I was a bit taken aback by the karma and 'what goes around comments'.

I think in some ways IrianofWay might have hit the nail on the head. He's fucked up about the past and takes it out on me.

Anyway, thank you once again for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it.

[AnyFucker]

What are you going to do love ?

[KristinaM]

Just ask to borrow his phone. Say your battery is flat or you have lost yours on the house and need to ring it to find it . I have to do this regularly .

DH and I have passcode on our phones to stop the kids using them to play games /surf but we know each others codes .

[RoganJosh]

I agree with Kristina . I'd pick up his phone to do something because yours is dead/upstairs and ask what the code is.

[FellowSubroutine]

I came on to say what shovetheholly said. Except she said it better.
Another one here who hears alarm bells, OP, whatever did or did not happen 20 years ago. Do what hellsbells says. Good luck

[KristinaM]

Wait until you are out somewhere with friends /family . Start to search your handbag ostentatiously , then say

" oh no, I've left my phone at home and I need to call the dentist /my mother /work - can I borrow your phone DH? "

He's not going to refuse to hand it over or give you the code in front of others, is he? Then just excuse yourself and go outside/to another room to make your phone call. And go into the loo afterward to check the phone.

[MusicForTheMasses]

I was in your exact situation, my thread title was almost identical. My XH was having an affair and had told the OW the same bunch of lies about me as he had told me.about his first wife. I hope for you he isn't but I doesn't add up and he's being vile, you don't deserve that, no one does.

[Twinklestein]

Can you ask your friend to level with you - whether she has become distant because she suspects or knows he's having an affair?