FAO Mathanxiety, Anniegetyourgun and Anyfucker, Q re Hoovering

[MessyRedHair]

This question is on behalf of somebody else who is working up to leaving. She has been to the bank, has an appointment with a solicitor, has told her sister. She is in the position now of recognising the cycle of abuse and now he senses that she is pulling away. Instead of responding to a drama bait she said 'yeah you're right, I'm so shit'. That kind of response instead of defending herself.

But now, it's like he knows what she's thinking and he wants to go out for a meal, and is start to promise this that and the next thing.

What's the best way to play it? just continue to defend herself if that's what she's always done?

Please advise! She says it is like a double life. He tells her that he knows what she's thinking.

I doubt that's actually possible but i used to be afraid to think disobedient thoughts in front of my x. I used to feel he knew what I was thinking.

Did you not want anyone else's advice? Just asking

oh no sorry! I didn't mean to imply that nobody else's advice was welcome, it's just I know these three posters know exactly what hoovering entails and their advice to me after I left was invaluable. But I wasn't in the position of recognising the cycle of abuse and the hoovering before I left. The woman who's in this situation doesn't know how to play it............ ACT the same as before even though she feels different? or give in and agree with all his accusations.

It is a real tightrope because the wrong course of action could make him very angry

I know exactly what she should do.

hi there

this article explains why getting sucked back into an abusive/dysfunctional relationship can be so tempting but is actually a terrible idea and some strategies of how to avoid it

There's no danger she'll be sucked back in you'll be glad to know. She will leave. She is in the process of arranging an alternative place. But you know how it is, wanting to avoid anything that could kick off a rantathon

Well, as you probably know she has to stop thinking that she can, or should, micromanage his behaviour

If he is going to kick off, let him. If he gets violent, call the police. If it's just words then she needs to cultivate the < la la la > and < whatever > reactions

If she is still getting wound up by what he says, then she may not be quite as ready to leave as she thinks

True, that's a good way of looking at it. Whether she plays it like she used to play it (defending herself) or agrees with him when he calls her lazy etc, it will still end in a rant if that's where he was headed.

She's not getting wound up, it's more like, she has a lot of plans in place and she's scared he will read her mind and know what they are.

How would he actually stop her from carrying out her plans ?

Unless they are against the law, she can end her relationship any time and any way she likes

I think that is very true -- she isn't in control here and he does what he chooses to do.

You could tell her that while people like him are like human tanks they really are often very sensitive to changes in their victims' response -- but while he has perhaps sensed a different response in her he still can't read her mind or see right through her. Him saying he can is just abuse talk. He has changed his game in response to what he has sensed but his aim is still the same, i.e. to make her think she has no options but to stay where she is and maintain the status quo, always on the back foot with him always taking the initiative. This is always the aim of abuse.

Her 'yeah I'm shit' response has surprised him but he is seeking to regain the driver's seat here. It's an attempt to put her back on her back foot. Could she play along and pretend she was cautiously lovey dovey? He will be monitoring her carefully and overplaying it might be a risk. She might manage a return to her old approach - defending herself or appearing crushed - if he tries even a little criticism.

Another tack he could take is to get more threatening in a physical way, or to actually be violent. He could swing from dinner and roses to violence if the velvet glove approach doesn't seem to be working. So you need to ask her if she is ready and willing to call the police if this happens, and to watch him get arrested or told to leave the house to cool down, etc, and to deal with the anger and blaming that will follow. He most likely won't be clapped in jail after an arrest for a threat or even raising a hand to her. Is she willing to get a protection order asap if this happens? I mean drop everything and do it while he is out of the house. This will involve her taking the initiative and reaching out to the system. Her sister and any friends she has may need to be ready to support her in this sort of situation and she needs to forget her pride and lean on those who are closest to her.

She needs to be sure of a few things in particular:

• That he does not find out via her computer or texts or call history etc what she is planning. She needs to be careful about cookies, history, passwords, logging out, and leave no paper trail whatsoever.
• That she is using effective contraception. Nothing like a surprise baby to throw a spanner in the works and an abuser is never above rape.
• That her phone is always charged and always in her possession including at night, or if not on her at night then hidden perhaps in a bread bin or tampon box - somewhere he might not look.
• That a friend has a bag with her documents (copies if necessary if would notice originals missing) and some clothing and personal items. Buy new clothes if he would notice half her bras were missing. He may well snoop.

Thanks Anyfucker and Mathanxiety.

It's true that factually, he can't prevent her from leaving but her plans aren't quite ready yet and she wants to know that she's going to leave right, leave once.

Spot on that these guys are like tanks coming at you, and yet they are sensitive enough to know what you're thinking, or roughly what you're thinking.

I think fake lovey dovey would be too hard for her, but playing herself how she used to be is probably the safest option right now.

I must ask her about birth certs and passports.

He can't really read minds, she knows that, right? If you've lived with someone for a long time you do get somewhat attuned to their body language and tone of voice so you can make a reasonable guess what's going on in their head, at least to the extent that you know something's up even if you don't know quite what (see: the start of every thread ever about infidelity!). She can tell by the same means when he's working up to an argument. It's not seeing inside his head, it's picking up on subtle clues.

Sometimes he'll be making an informed guess, and sometimes he'll be making it up entirely, telling her what he thinks she is or might be thinking, emphatically enough so that even though she knows she wasn't she starts to wonder if maybe subconsciously she was... It's crazy-making stuff. Destroys your confidence. But no, this guy is not clairvoyant, he's a common or garden abuser and they tell any lie that will work. Right now it's in his interests to keep her confused and afraid.

I would say she needs to carry on doing what she's doing, calm, placating, accepting on the surface, whilst paddling madly like the metaphorical swan underneath. He may sense that something is up but he won't definitely know what that something is - although the sooner she makes her move the better IMO.

Very pleased to hear you found my advice useful btw! I hope you are able to show your friend how great life is on the other side :)

Dammit, I took so long composing the message that Math got there and said it all first. Well, guess that proves we must be right then, great minds etc!

Back tomorrow