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Original poster

How do I cope with this pain?

17 replies

dinoswore · 29/01/2015 19:08

I'm a name changer because I don't want to be identified in RL.

H and I were together for 23 years. We split very recently, at my instigation. He didn't want to split and says he still loves me, but he hasn't dealt with his problems (mainly alcoholism) even after many many talks and ultimatums.

Just a couple of days after the split and he has joined a dating website (and told me today).

I have been grieving the slow death of our marriage for years, and more intensely for the last few months. I have cried an ocean of tears over this man. But the pain I feel today knowing that he wants to meet someone new so quickly is just crippling me. It's not even a week since we split. 23 years!

Love was never lacking between us. Neither was desire. We didn't grow apart as lovers - I just couldn't take any more of the (alcohol related) problems and needed to protect the DC and myself from the effects of his addiction.

I don't know how to cope with the pain and anger I'm feeling. I've never had feelings like this before. How do I get through this?

OP posts:
WooltonPie · 29/01/2015 19:10
Flowers

I think you just have to wait it out, sadly.

The dating website thing is odd. In what context did he announce that?

Original poster
dinoswore · 29/01/2015 19:18

He says he is lonely. The DC and I moved out 6 months ago, but the final split only came last week.

OP posts:
Original poster
dinoswore · 29/01/2015 19:19

Context was just a friendly conversation. We are trying to keep it amicable. He said he couldn't not tell me. He wasn't gloating or anything.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/01/2015 19:22

Maybe he was not gloating, but he did want you to know. Why?

To make you jealous?

Or he needs someone to "take care of him"?

If he did care for you that much, he'd have been more serious about kicking his addiction, but he couldn't to keep you, so all the pain has been on your side. :(

Pensionerpeep · 29/01/2015 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worserevived · 29/01/2015 19:26

I imagine he feels very rejected, and wants to show you (and himself) that he's wanted by others if not by you. I can understand that. In his position I'd probably do the same.

scatteroflight · 29/01/2015 19:26

OP I'm sure this is hard, but just to offer my own experience here. I was with my DP 7 years, very happy, then various difficulties and tragedies occured and we slowly crumbled over a period of months. The day after he left for good I joined a dating site. He left me on a Sunday and on the Thursday evening I was sitting in a pub with another man on a date.

In no way was I over us. But I had to do something because the alternative was too terrible to contemplate. I thought if I didn't keep moving I would end up killing myself.

I'm sure your DH isn't over you and I'm sure there isn't a minute that goes by that he doesn't think about you and the family he has lost. The dating site is pure survival.

WooltonPie · 29/01/2015 19:28

Maybe he's hoping you will be jealous and take him back so that he can keep his marriage AND his addiction? Perhaps unconsciously/instinctively.

I was married to alcoholic. They are instinctively manipulative in that way for as long as booze remains their priority (i.e. for as long as they are drinking). I think it's true of all addicts.

Stay strong. Are their practicalities to busy yourself with?

Lweji · 29/01/2015 19:30

It's not dissimilar to the poor me card.

Lweji · 29/01/2015 19:31

Also, could you also join a dating site?
It might take your mind off him.

Original poster
dinoswore · 29/01/2015 19:41

I am not even a little bit ready to join a dating site. Apart from anything else, it wouldn't be fair on any men I might meet, when I'm still so raw out of a ltr.

OP posts:
Original poster
dinoswore · 29/01/2015 19:43

Oh, and he is an expert at playing the 'poor me' card. He's hidden his alcoholism behind it for years.

OP posts:
WooltonPie · 29/01/2015 20:24

Maybe you will have to create a bit more distance between you for a while to make this bearable?

Cantbelievethisishappening · 29/01/2015 20:56

Same as Scatter. Not sure if this helps but years ago when I came out of two long term r'ships I did the same. At the time it seemed like a good idea but in hindsight I guess I wanted some sort of validation that someone else would still want me, find me attractive etc etc. It was something to numb the pain and to take my mind off being dumped.It was not a reflection on my ex partners... it was very much me thinking in the here and now. When push came to shove I really wasn't ready to embark on another r'ship as I was still very much in love with my ex's.

Original poster
dinoswore · 31/01/2015 17:20

A friend said to me yesterday that when she split from her ex, one of the hardest things was that he was the one person she wanted to turn to for comfort, but of course he was the one person she shouldn't / couldn't turn to.

I'm feeling exactly like this today. I need a long comforting hug from him but I can't have one.

He's actually pretty pissed off with me at the moment I think.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 17:28

I'm not sure if it's any reassurance but statistically men are more likely to get back into a relationship quicker after bereavement or divorce than women. Why is debatable.

ashaaima · 31/01/2015 17:38

wow tough.but think.what kind of woman would bare him.?and does he really think he can have anything better then you.23years,...

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