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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend has cancelled... again

24 replies

Pierrette · 29/01/2015 11:08

A longstanding friend of mine moved away from this area last year (about an hour away by car), and I haven't yet seen her new place. When we were chatting before Christmas, she invited our family there for the day in January. Just after Christmas, she let me know her MIL had booked tickets for her family to do something else that day and could we rearrange. I was mildly irritated given we'd set the day aside, but these things happen so I didn't show it... We set another date in early Feb. I had a text message several days ago to say she had to cancel again as her partner had booked the kids on some obscure course that day and that she'd get back to me. I haven't heard a word since. I know she is quite disorganised, but I feel upset. Annoyed that we obviously weren't on the calendar, annoyed that she has cancelled 2 weekend dates that we have kept clear (in the space of one month), and annoyed that she hasn't called to apologise and set a new date. I feel dispensable...

OP posts:

Buddy80 · 29/01/2015 11:35

It could be a coincidence, but reading your post it does sound as if she is mucking you around.

As to her motivations, who knows? It could be that she wants the security of knowing she can see you, without the real-life effort.

Advice? You have kept it polite, so that gives you more options. I would leave it for now. If she contacts you again to arrange something you could joke back "Yes, lets go for third time a charm. Will be lovely to catch-up. Lets pencil in XYZ date and firm up nearer the time"

Hope that is of some help.

Mum4Fergus · 29/01/2015 11:35

Maybe you are...people and lives move on. It's sad, but it happens. Id let friend know you are (again) disappointed and leave ball in her court to reset a date. If she doesn't, you know where you stand...

Original poster

Pierrette · 29/01/2015 12:56

Thanks for the advice. I suppose what's really upsetting me is that if I had messed someone about twice through being disorganized, I would be desperate to show them it was nothing more than that and to make amends. The lack of phone-call or followup had made me feel rubbish about it all.

She's been a good friend for a long time & I miss her...

OP posts:

SoleSource · 29/01/2015 13:16

Pierette

I understand!

Let her come to you.

She could have called you, that is shit.

I'm sorry you understandably feel hurt.

SoleSource · 29/01/2015 13:16

Understandably

Buddy80 · 29/01/2015 14:29

Is your friend going through a busy time (apart from moving)? You don't say how old you both are, etc.

SoleSource · 29/01/2015 14:46

She seems disrespectful to not even afford you a phone call.

Original poster

Pierrette · 29/01/2015 15:44

Were both in our late 30s Buddy80, and yes lives are busy as they usually are with kids and work. We used to hang out a lot when we were young and fancy free, and now not so much as our kids are at different stages and there's not so much time. But still, we always have loads to talk about when we do meet up. I agree SoleSource, I feel like a phone call would have made things OK, but not getting in touch feels disrespectful & like I'm there as an option but not a priority.

I'm sure she will get in touch sooner or later (apologetically), and guess I'm wondering if I should say something or take it on the chin.

OP posts:

Buddy80 · 29/01/2015 15:58

That is tricky. I would not say something directly at this stage but I would acknowledge it, if that makes any sense.

"It will be great to see you! I hope the date works out"

Joysmum · 29/01/2015 16:08

I'd text back saying I was really disappointed as if been looking forward to it and could she at least you for a catch up when she can.

Original poster

Pierrette · 29/01/2015 16:10

Yes, you're probably right. At the moment I'm feeling really pissed off so probably best not to say anything. Thanks!

OP posts:

chimichanga1976 · 29/01/2015 16:59

Hi Pierrette, if it were me in your shoes I would give her a final chance but I would withold any communication and let her do all the chasing. Let her come up with a 3rd ( and final ) meet up suggestion and if she ( God forbid! ) cancels on you yet again, you speak ( by whatever means ) communicating your exact feelings about this, no holds barred!

Tell her honestly how it makes you feel given that, no way can 3 cancellations be a coincidence, and you're feeling a bit messed about and pissed off as a result, quite rightly too! I know I would be thinking, if it happens a 3rd time, that she clearly does not rate your friendship as highly as you do.

I totally understand you being hacked off but maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and let her have 1 final chance. If nothing else, it's a test of how much of a genuine friend she is. She should be just as eager to see you, and show you her new place, as you are to see her surely.

shovetheholly · 29/01/2015 17:13

It is quite rude behaviour, whatever the reason.

A couple of possibilities:

She's just really disorganized and doesn't understand the impact of this on others

She's stressed about the visit. You say you haven't seen her 'new place' rather than you haven't seen her family, which makes me wonder if you are quite a housey person? People can be quite weird about new houses and want to 'show them off' to their best (especially if you have a lovely house yourself). Perhaps she hasn't done as much to it as she wanted? Perha[s the move hasn't been everything she hoped? I think I'd be tempted to suggest a day out half way between your houses and see if that goes down better and is easier for her.

mortil2 · 29/01/2015 17:19

I agree with shove about the house thing. I know people who go all out with tidying and cleaning before someone comes around for a coffee. If this is a house you have not yet seen, she may not feel she has the house ready to show to you

Original poster

Pierrette · 29/01/2015 18:39

Good point, but I'm sure it's nothing to do with the house. I know of quite a few people who have made the trip already and say the house is lovely. Anyway, she knows I'm not likely to judge given the cluttered state of our house! We've known each other for ages, through student digs & a good few houses, so that's not the issue.

I'm not a confrontational person, and sometimes I think I've become that friend you can cancel at the last moment because I'm easygoing. There have been little things in the past, like making arrangements and it always being me to send the text the day before to check the plan is still on. But then, when we do meet up, I really enjoy seeing her so I push those uncomfortable thoughts away... (you can't beat an old friend!)

Who knows? We'll see what happens next

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 29/01/2015 18:54

Maybe you could suggest meeting up just the two of you? I have lots of friends from way back who I get on with like a house on fire but our families are completely separate and mixing them is just hard work.

I'm sure she does want to see you. I would be irritated by the cancellations. I think we all have someone who has form for this. It's not a good habit. I would make reference to it by mentioning that you need to know it's definite due to cancelling other plans. Surely she gets that?

Buddy80 · 29/01/2015 19:16

To be honest, it sounds less about your friend and more about you, in the sense you no longer want to be "the friend you can cancel last minute".

I really would leave it with her. To be honest, if she really wants to see you, she will.

I would also be tempted if she gets in contact and suggests a date to meet-up don't be available, and suggest another date.

springalong · 29/01/2015 19:25

I had a good friend do this to me. Somehow our arrangement was NEVER in their calendar when I would call to confirm the day before. Always an excuse. It was the beginning of me not seeing her and the family for many years. I saw them again this New Year - it was easy but I am even now slightly wary of getting as close again. I feel like you do that because I never made a fuss I was an easy person to cancel on and not that important.

Countyourchickens · 30/01/2015 05:43

I would leave her to suggest a date. Then if she doesn't you have your answer. Both excuses sound plausible and I know our weekends can get booked up but TBH I would have expected her to rebook at the point if cancelling which makes it look like an excuse. Sadly people move on so that's a possibility.

Buddy80 · 30/01/2015 09:09

If it is the case that she has moved on, don't dismiss the time you had as friends as not being genuine.

Some people just draw a line in the sand and leave things.

shovetheholly · 30/01/2015 10:09

I don't know, OP. I am not sure that it's the unimportant people that friends do cancel on - often it's the most important ones, the ones they feel will understand.

I know how you feel, because I always seem to be that friend! A friend of mine who was supposed to be visiting me just cancelled at the last minute, but I know for a fact she is seeing another friend this weekend. I'm due in for an op next week, and having a rough time, and I really could do with her support right now, but heigh ho. Nonetheless, when she has an issue I am the person she has on speed dial.

I don't have good advice on how to get out of it. I think if you push back it is likely to change the easygoing nature of the relationship and I'm not sure you won't lose as much as you gain. But, as I said, I'm a sucker for this behaviour myself.

Original poster

Pierrette · 30/01/2015 12:06

That's tough shovethe
holly, I hope your op goes ok next week and that friends rally round.

Yes, I think you're right about changing the nature of the relationship. It's a weird one, isn't it. I think my friend would be really shocked if I kicked up a fuss as it's just not us. She has always traded on her reputation for being disorganized to some extent - she is a bit of a whirlwind and it can be annoying, but her charm gets her off the hook. However, this time, I just feel she has been thoughtless and inconsiderate - and when she does get round to getting in touch, it will be difficult to pretend it's all OK. I certainly won't be running after her anyway.

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 30/01/2015 12:32

I wouldn't text anything too prickly as it's difficult to send out the right level of annoyance. She might get a different message to the one you intended her to get IYSWIM.
Wait until she calls and see what comes naturally. If you've been friends a long time, you'll be able to breeze through this disagreement (of sorts).

I am the sort of friend who cancels. I wouldn't even say I am disorganised, just very busy. Don't know about twice in as many months, though. Maybe you should make more "special" plans? I think most people would be less likely to cancel plans that they don't do often- i.e. afternoon at a show, specific restaurant you've never visited, etc. Of course if you would rather not do those things, don't do them just because she might not cancel, but she may be thinking along the lines "well the house is always here to be looked at, what's another few weeks".

All in all I'd give her one last chance. She might be really annoyed with both MIL and DH for making plans (maybe without consulting her?) for the kids

Three cancellations and she's on incredibly shaky grounds, though! I wouldn't bother with her after that, actually.

DaisyChain87 · 30/01/2015 12:46

One of my best friends from uni days did this to me last Christmas- I'd arranged to drive 200 miles to visit her, changed plans with other friends to accommodate her, and then she sent me a TEXT the day before saying that another friend had bought her 'surprise' tickets and so she couldn't meet me any more. I was really hurt but let it go. She's since cancelled on me (and a few other people) numerous times. I've decided that I won't make an effort unless she does- there's no animosity, I'm just fed up of being left hanging! I don't think it's anything personal really, I just think she's very 'out of sight, out of mind'- so we're less important somehow because we aren't on her doorstep. Maybe your friend is a bit like this?

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