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Original poster

Lack of empathy

14 replies

SharonCurley · 29/01/2015 10:44

Just looking for some opinions on this please.I would consider myself a sensitive person.We have two young children and both work full time.Dh works away part of week.I feel that he lacks empathy and is very focused on the practical side of things...last night older child was sick and hopped into the end of bed..dd was crying with a pain in stomach and the first thing he said was-whatever you do do not get sick on our bed.Didnt show any concern for how she might be feeling.This morning we decided that I should take a days annual leave as he would not get paid if he didn't go to work.He said maybe I should drop dd off at childminder today so I could get the house cleaned and was very anxious about how soon our cleaner could come.I feel housework,laundry and cleaning has become a major issue.Everything seems to revolve around it.He only seems to be at ease once the cleaner has been

OP posts:
MadiSontRoy45 · 29/01/2015 11:41

I'm my god I'm on another thread for emotional abuse my partner the exact same has no compassion if kids sick or frightened at bit obsesses if the house ain't clean dosent want them eating in sitting room,expects a two year old to make the toilet if they feel sick,we both work full time we don't have cleaner he cleans all time or he wants me to do it and never be sitting down,he cleans he's car all time it wearing me down.i think he's a narcissist.

Original poster
SharonCurley · 29/01/2015 12:05

Wow that's really interesting...I'm becoming increasingly down about it.v similar situation.Doesn't like me to cook because he would do a better job,seems to see nothing but housework,I see happy children playing-he sees mess.Everything seems to be connected to how things affect him.Does not engage with me or the children.Flipped last week because I cleared out a room in our house and put his printer on a shelf in his wardrobe as there was nowhere safe to put it.I am walking on eggshells.If he speaks to me these days it's usually to give out to me about something I have not done properly.I work,look after our kids,do the shopping,cleaning,drop offs,collecting,Breastfeeding,baths and anything else the children need.He does not think about whether a nappy needs to be changed,whether the children have eaten,how they are dressed,have they brushed their teeth,hair,do they need a bath.He does not engage in play with them...rather brings them places he wants to go to.He does not wake to tend to baby.He does not do homework.He cleans and tidies obsessively..meanwhile our children are growing up and he is missing out on lovely moments and bonding with them because he is not interested.The more I write the more apparent it is to me that this is not okay.I see myself as someone who just contributes financially and looks after the children.I don't feel loved or respected at all

OP posts:
Handywoman · 29/01/2015 12:21

my relationship with my ex was like this (minus the obsessive cleaning, well any cleaning).

He doesn't see you or the kids as, you know, 'people'.

I'm afraid the only way is out......

Quitelikely · 29/01/2015 12:34

Have you tried telling him how his behaviour makes you feel? What did he say?

If you haven't told him I would send him an email of sorts because sometimes they can read and re read it and it sinks in. They can't argue because you won't be there when he reads it.

This is no way to live.

MiniTheMinx · 29/01/2015 12:40

He is using the housework and other obsessive things as avoidance. The children are probably unpredictable and seem chaotic to him. It may not be lack of empathy at all, but fear.

I might be a bit similar to him, I like order and calm, and DP deals with illness and cleaning up after. I organise trips, homework, holidays and talk to the children. DP hugs, play fights, checks bags, cleans house, whilst I moan about mess and try to delegate! I avoid things I can't cope with and things that bore me in favour of the bits I do well. The DC are 8 and 12 now and so far this balance has paid off. Both like similar things to me and enjoy holidays and days out, we talk about philosophy, theology, politics, science, history and maths. I don't and never have talked to them about cbeebies or whatever, as a result both seek out adults to talk to, always have. They haven't missed out on hugs and love either and both are very emphatic and caring in the same hands off kind of way in which I am.

Just trying to illustrate to you that first you should speak to him, second it might not be the end of the road and lastly this split of parenting styles might not be such a bad thing.

Original poster
SharonCurley · 29/01/2015 14:54

I have.I wrote a long letter last year.I am concerned really that everything seems to revolve around what he wants to do...holidays,the house,TV,weekends...and lately he is just so grumpy that I can't seem to do anything right.I take your point on the different parenting styles.I'm not sure whether it is just a matter of different parenting styles.He can be affectionate when he's not in foul humor.He is actually a better parent when we are not speaking.When we are he leaves most of it up to me.He seems very dissatisfied in a lot of areas in his life.He does not like his job.He pushes himself and works 12 to 15 hour days so that he can earn as much as possible.He likes to push himself to the limit at his favourite sport and is not doing this at the moment and this annoys him.I'd imagine...looking at it written down...there are several big things in his life out of control and he is trying to control the things he thinks are within his control.Would that make sense?different parenting styles are one thing but he shows no kindness or affection...I suppose what made me start this thread was looking at the thread on nice things your partner does for you.My partner doesn't do any of those things.Things took a turn for the worse when I became sick on second pregnancy and he could barely talk to me because I was signed off work and incapable of doing very much.Even when I had dd2 it seemed like he just wanted all the newborn business out of the way so he could focus on his sport-which he did..and showed v little interest in baby.I'm not sure where to go from here.I'm not going to make any rash decisions but think I might go and see a counsellor to gain some confidence

OP posts:
Handywoman · 29/01/2015 15:05

Counsellor for you sounds like a very good idea, OP. You should start to explore these issues. From reading threads on here, sometimes when you push a baby or two out of your vagina the respect from the DH seemingly evaporates and family life becomes a source of frustration or dissatisfaction to him. This was certainly true for me. In the end I LTB. I feel for you. Sounds more to it than 'different parenting styles'. OP It is not your job to make him happy.

MadiSontRoy45 · 29/01/2015 17:49

Sharon I am going through same situation no interest in kids dosent even kick a ball with the boy,like I told you if they get sick it like I made them on purpose he won't let them set biscuit if he's just hoovered thinks the house should be certain way I have been diagnosed with high blob pressure ibs all due to stress I see him coming back from work I'm making sure house is clean we have only eaten dinner he wants dishes cleaned it constant and wearing me down that I feel like screaming my head of all over the house and saying stop going on!

MadiSontRoy45 · 29/01/2015 18:48

Sharon same here when we not talking he try's to do everything for them bringing them out playing games with them i feel he does it out of spite or to be hurtful.

Coyoacan · 29/01/2015 20:41

I suppose the question is what do you, OP, get out of this relationship? Do you love him?

Original poster
SharonCurley · 31/01/2015 20:45

Good question.In truth I don't know any more.Its up and down.Today we went out with the kids.We had a few things to buy.It was clear he didn't want to be there.Went for lunch which I paid for.He didn't speak to me at all and I got the usual there's nothing wrong response.I attempted to make conversation.It should have been a nice family day but it wasn't.He went off this evening and came back in good form and apologised saying he thinks he might be a bit depressed.I've heard it before though and he won't do anything about it.I just feel everything is dependant on his mood.I know it doesn't have to be though.I spoke to a counsellor before who told me to start doing things for me and thinking about what makes me happy

OP posts:
Hobbitwife001 · 31/01/2015 20:56

His sport wouldn't be cycling by any chance would it?
He sounds horrible, why does he think he can treat you and your children like an inconvenience? Try Relate, and if he dosent improve, bin him.

Original poster
SharonCurley · 31/01/2015 21:03

There are a few.It's one of them alright.How did you guess?i will talk to him tonight.We went for a session last year but need to try again.

OP posts:
Hobbitwife001 · 31/01/2015 23:16

Because they are all selfish Lycra clad idiots, self obsessed and entitled, sorry, he won't improve. Take care, xx

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