My parents, again, and again and again...

[Imisscheese]

My father is an alcoholic. He has recently gone on a binge. He does this every few years, almost every time my mother goes away. It is incredibly stressful for my Mum. I don't want to make this too long, but don't want to drip feed either. My Mum has often spoken to me about the problem, ever since I have been young. I have had to have counselling about this problem and it has interfered with my work. The main problem being that since I was a child I have found it difficult to deal with these issues.

That is horrible for you.

Your DM has been speaking to you about "the problem" since you were young. Oh dear. My DM did that.

I didn't realise how abusive and fucked up it was until I been out of contact with them for quite a long time. Responsibility was being pushed onto a child. As if I could fix it. What a horrible thing to do to your child.

Have you considered not talking to her about it? Suggest she gets a therapist instead of dumping on you? You should not have to deal with their issues.

Are you in the FOG: fear, obligation and guilt?

Thanks for your response.

Have you (or your mum) contacted Al-Anon? There is support for family and friends of alcoholics - support more appropriate than your mum offloading on you for sure.

Remember the 3 Cs -

• you did not cause this
• you cannot change it
• you cannot cure it

If you can completely detach from your father during the benders, maybe you can continue to have some kind of relationship with him. But what did your counselling concluded would be best for you with regards to dealing with him?

I'm sorry, thank you for your advice

I found it impossible to detach.

It may be then that your only option is to detach completely from your father and go no contact. Potentially you could maintain contact with your mother provided she never mentions him.

Has your counselling finished?

This may sound harsh, but ultimately your mother is choosing to live and suffer by him, and it sounds like you are choosing to continue being an emotional punch bag.

I heard a proverb that helped me " only a fool continues do repeat the same action again and again and expects a different reaction."

You may not have the emotional reserves to go no contact, but I think you are starting to realise that something different needs to happen for your own sake.

This is not a problem of your making, you couldn't fix it even with every resource, knowledge and power under the sun - but you can change how it impacts upon yourself.

Apologies that this is long, it sounds like you're at the end of your feather and I hope you can find some respite.

My father is an alcoholic - sad but nothing to do with you (unless you choose to live with him and then you have to deal with the fall out)

It is incredibly stressful for my Mum - ditto, sad but nothing to do with you, how she deals with her problems is up to her. Does she detach, divorce, ignore - it's up to her and her alone.

My Mum has often spoken to me about the problem, ever since I have been young - not fair especially as you are a child, as you can then do nothing about it, so you are given the worry and stress and sadness about it but cannot resolve anything so are left carrying the stress.

Detaching doesn't mean not caring or being cruel, it means saving yourself from an unsaveable situation. You can still be a good DD, just not get involved in the drunken episodes or any discussion or debates about them.

*tether!

there are al-anon groups online. You can just sit and read, not contribute until you are ready. I found they were really helpful, even just reading, and I could see myself in the other people's stories. There is a session going on pretty much every hour of the day, and because its online, you could be chatting to someone in Europe, America, Australia....so it truly is anonymous, and you wont be bumping into other people you know.

It can take a lot of mental energy to be able to detach. And even then, they creep back in - especially the binge drinkers because they lull you into a sense of security and then hit you again with their issues.

I would also suggest to your mum that she needs to offload to an al-anon group, not to you. Theres a couple in every town. The local CAB or Vicar will be able to help her find the group closest to her. She wont go, BTW, but I think its worth saying that these groups are the place to offload all the shame and guilt, not you. She had a choice to stay with him, you did not. SHe needs to come to grips with her situation without drawing you in.

What about offering to go -with- her to an Al Anon group for families of alcohol addicts?

Perhaps if, every time she starts talking about it, you bring it back to what she can actually do about it, then she might be the idea that you are there to help but not to just be a target for moaning about it. Secondly, if you keep things focussed on the practical - she actually might just do something. Every time it comes up, turn the conversation to the practical. Be relentless about it. Don't give her the space to dwell on it, but ask her what she's going to do.

And if you can, do actually go with her to an al-anon meeting and take any other practical measures you can.