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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you knew something awful/criminal about a family member would you tell his wife?

28 replies

amiarat · 19/10/2006 15:59

A family member has been dealt with by the police today, the only reason I know about it is because I know the sister of the victim.

The family member in question has been accused of stuff of a sexual nature and I feel so sorry for the wife(who cannot stand her dh-don't know why she is with him) I know that they haven't shared a bed for 25 years and they are both miserable.

It really concerns me that he may do something even more serious (due to his family circs)and I cannot bear the fact that I know. Is it safer that she is ignorant?

OP posts:

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 19/10/2006 16:01

Would you want to know if you were her?

Original poster

amiarat · 19/10/2006 16:02

Damn right I would-would you?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/10/2006 16:03

Absolutely.

bloodyhowler · 19/10/2006 16:04

If it is of a sexual nature and has involved police I would think she would want to know.Can you approach him and let him know that you know and then he may feel he has to tell her himself Otherwise tell her you may do her a huge favour

howlidaymum · 19/10/2006 16:04

Yep! Wouldn't forgive myself if he did something else within the family and by telling I could have prevented it.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 19/10/2006 16:05

Tell her, it's a horrible job and she may not thank you but I reckon morally it's the right thing to do. She may know already too.

Marina · 19/10/2006 16:06

I think in the circumstances you have to tell her I am sure it won't be an easy conversation, but if I were her I'd be grateful.

Original poster

amiarat · 19/10/2006 16:13

Ok, here's the complication. I married into the family and she cannot stand me. It's something I didn't relish doing anyway. I am really wrestling with my conscience here.

OP posts:

Marina · 19/10/2006 16:15

If by your OP you mean that he is likely to reoffend and assault vulnerable members of his family then hard though it is, I think for your conscience's sake you have to tell her.
Whether she will listen is another matter, given her view of you, but then it will be her problem and you will have done your best. Very hard for you though

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 19/10/2006 16:18

Iiwy I would be very straighforward and say something along the lines of 'I know we don't see eye to eye on many things but I genuinely take no pleasure in having to tell you blah blah blah. I'm telling you because I would want someone to tell me if I was in your position and I assure you that it will go no further, if you want I will never mention it again, even to you"

Original poster

amiarat · 19/10/2006 16:19

I didn't think about it like that Marina, the shift of responsibility.

perhaps the OP was a badly worded the victim is not a family member someone that this man knew, totally unrelated, i doubt anything would happen in a family scenario.

OP posts:

PeachyBobbingParty · 19/10/2006 16:21

My MIL can't abide me either (no losss) but i'd tell her in this circumstance- can you imagine if it happned again and you knew? Oh no.

Poor you though, having to do it. But I do think you ahve to.

Original poster

amiarat · 19/10/2006 16:24

What about an anonymous note? It makes me feel ill at the thought of it.
I panic that I may be called a liar (once she gets the family all involved)and he will definitely deny it (no doubt) is there any proof I can obtain to show it's on record at all?

God, I think this is bloody awful.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 19/10/2006 16:27

Poor you what a dreadful position to be in. I'm not surprised it makes you feeel ill thinking about it. I think you have got to get the information to her somehow, really. If you did tell her, would it put you in any danger from him? Is he violent? If he is then I would think an anonymous typed note would be the way to go. Otherwise I would probably do it in person and as gently as possible. I would hate it though.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 19/10/2006 16:27

An anonomous note is cowardly and a bit sisniter imo. Don't worry about being believed, don't get imbroiled in anything, it's up to him if he wants to deny it. And from what I can tell he has only been accused, you obviously believe that he has done it but it is up to a court to actually decide this.

Greensleeves · 19/10/2006 16:29

Hmm, I see how it could be seen as cowardly - but if I were in this position, and I thought that antagonising this man posed any danger to me or my children, then I'd be cowardly rather than risk it.

Original poster

amiarat · 19/10/2006 16:32

Yes Gl that's what I'm thinking. Why should I and my family end up the victims here? I really don't know how he'll react, I really don't know this man very well at all but certainly wouldn't have had him down as a man likely to do what he has done

OP posts:

janinlondon · 19/10/2006 16:34

Not sure I understand what "dealt with by the police" actually entails?

SSSandy · 19/10/2006 16:36

You say he was dealt with by the police. Was he questioned or charged? I would be careful what I said here. You cannot be 100 percent sure of the facts. I'm guessing it was sexual harassment, perhaps at work (?)

Also even if you dislike his wife and MIL, they're all part of your family set-up so I would discuss this with dh before telling the man's wife.

If he is charged with a criminal offence, surely his wife will learn about it that way.

geordiemacminx · 19/10/2006 16:57

I would send a letter.... possibly is the cowards way out but certainly stops you from getting too involved and having to deal with the potential backlash...

UCM · 19/10/2006 17:02

I think you should tell her either in writing or otherwise.

Original poster

amiarat · 20/10/2006 09:31

Yes I have decided to send a letter, not that it will be believed(which is why I must send it anonymously) but once I've done it then at least she has been warned. Whether dh's aunt chooses to ignore or act upon it is up to her.

Thanks.

OP posts:

PeachyBobbingParty · 20/10/2006 09:36

I think that's wise, in the circumsytances.

Really feel for you, and the family of course.

NannyStar · 20/10/2006 09:37

Amiarat, I know someone going through exactly the same thing...wife doesn't know. Does wife's name begin with M and husbands name begin with R?

UCM · 20/10/2006 09:46

I think the weight will be lifted from your shoulders really as you are obviously worried about it. At least everyone concerned will ahve the facts and can make up their own minds. Good luck.

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