Help me stay strong.

[TheDetective]

I know my H is an immature selfish bastard, so why am I feeling so let down time and time again?

He will never change (despite his protests) and I really really need to accept this and don't hope for change when it comes to him.

I really hoped we would be able to parent together at least given our children's ages. But I don't even think that will be possible now.

Yesterday as an example, he was sat in my house waiting for DS to wake from a nap. We were talking, everything seemed fine. I was asking him (once again) would he go to counselling with me so we could learn to communicate better for our children's sake. He refuses every time I ask, but I can see the same pattern in every argument and it needs to desperately change (he can't deal with any perceived conflict, gets angry, acts like a child, and runs away - not saying I'm perfect, but I don't do the above which causes a huge stress on DS when he runs away).

I was trying to show him a link to some information on his tablet and pressed g to go to google. Game website popped up as a link, but it was a link to something he ordered. He said he had ordered a Nintendo DS.

Now, given he has no money (his claim, and one I know to be true) and so far this month he has been on a night out, and now bought a Nintendo DS, but can't afford to have his car repaired (been off road since Saturday), didn't bring any money to my 20 week scan for a picture yesterday, and couldn't afford to have lunch to celebrate good news (my placenta has moved out the way for anyone who saw previous threads!), and refused to buy anything for the baby saying it was too expensive and he couldn't afford it when we visited some baby shops after the scan, I'm really questioning his priorities.

To me they are incredibly wrong. A night out and yet another games console (games became a huge problem in the relationship - he was spending all day on them when he should have been looking after DS) are not priorities. The car, and his children should be.

So he blew up because 'I looked at him he wrong way' and apparently I shouldnt have an opinion on this.

He said some nasty things once again, including the absolute gem 'sometimes I think you say things just to goad me in to hitting you' oh please - pathetic waste of space!!

He then proceeded to follow me in to the bathroom where I was sat on top of the loo as DS was in the bath. He then punched the swinging light pull several times in my direction. Did he think he would intimidate me? Tosser.

So now I'm back to square one. I tried to make a go of co-parenting. It isn't possible. And now I'm I a shitty position of potentially handing my 2 year old DS and a newborn to someone who I don't trust to put before his own selfish needs. He won't have food or nappies at his mums for them (DS dairy intolerant) he won't provide anything for them. He's just a horrible selfish person.

And I'm stuck with that for the rest of my children's lives. Brilliant.

Please help me stay strong and to stop giving him any kind of chance to change. It only ends in pain and hurt for me and my children.

Please read your post back OP. Why on earth would you want to be with him?
He is a bully, he may not have hit you yet, but he's building up to it. Please, take your children and leave. You will be so much happier in the long run

I very much doubt counselling would help him. I'm guessing he's the type who thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong?

This sounds like a horrible situation for you and your children. Although it is scary to leave any relationship especially when pregnant / with a young child, I hope you can see from what you have written what the right thing to do is. Are you in a position to get some help from family and friends while you work out some options?

Sorry OP but he sounds a right knobhead who has a lot of growing up to do. My 4 year old loves his Ds however the thought of a grown man prioritising this over his family's needs disgusts me.You deserve so much more.

He sounds vile. I wouldn't have him in the house and would seriously consider contact at a contact centre

I wouldn't bother with counselling to be honest - you're just giving him another stick to beat you with. The best thing to do is to never rely on or ask him for anything. It gives him control and simultaneously freaks him out due to the responsability - not a good combo

If the children are going to his house (I would still go for the contact centre, personally. That hitting comment was very worrying) - pack food and nappies. As you say, he's not going to have the stuff so you'll just wind yourself up in knots wondering if he'll have it then being cross afterwards when he doesn't

Also - don't ask him out for lunch etc again. Sadly, he's not on your team and it just gives him another chance give unkind and spoil things.

Be very business like with him - simply discuss the mechanics of dealing with the children with him. If he won't engage, fine.

Yes, that's right Elsie. :)

Possibly, his mum is more likely to provide those things because her son is a selfish wanker and I'd die of shame if he were one of my boys.

See, there in lies my problem. He will need to be around me and in my house when the baby comes. Given his behaviour I just feel completely unable to do that now. I've tried to parent together but it isn't working.

So how am I going to cope with him coming here every other day for an hour or two (or whatever the arrangements are) when he is unable to be trusted around me and his children?

I've asked him to stay away from us all for 3 months, if he wants to change, go ahead and do it. But I don't want my children around it being casualty to his repeated fuck ups while he reckons he is changing. And I can't take the emotions of it all either, the stress is unbearable. And then that upsets me because the baby is getting repeated stress hormones over and over.

I've got 2 children, an unborn and myself to consider here. Trying to do what is right for all is very difficult. But I think a total break might help defuse the situation. It isn't what I want. But nothing else is working at the moment. I guess I'll just have to see.

The other option is once a week for an hour to maintain the relationship. I'm struggling to see the benefit in that for DS though as he clearly didn't notice his dad wasn't here for 2 weeks when he fucked off earlier in the month. And he hardly seems bothered when his dad is here. And I'll need time to look in to a contact centre. I'm working full time. Having time to think and organise these things is in short supply.

You really don't need to have him around you or the house.

Here's the link to find your local contact centre - www.naccc.org.uk/find-a-centre

My understanding is that you can phone and self-refer in the first instance

This piece about "changing" and him staying away til he does etc - it's not feasible from the DCs' perspective. He's their father and its best for them to maintain some kind of relationship with them if they can. If not, there's a real risk that in years to come that they might ask ehy he was being td to stay away and for whose benefit that was. If he doesn't maintain the relationship, that is very sad but his look out and you'll know you've done everything you can to facilitate it.

Unfortunately, you've got to work with what you've got here and now.

I'd call the contact centre and get arrangements in motion now for contact with your DS. Your H may step up and then you can review things re: new baby

The contact centre here doesn't look like an option at all. :( so there goes that one. I'll have to think of other options.

Today and yesterday I've just felt incredibly angry. He is so selfish, it is painful to think about.

I keep going back to the same thought. How he could justify shagging someone else, in MY house, while I was working to pay for him and our children! Then how the hell he had the balls to carry on trying for a baby, and book our wedding and marry me 8 weeks later.

I mean, his justification for cheating on me was that he was leaving me, so in his head the relationship was over. He just forgot to tell me that bit hey?!

So why has he gone on to have a baby and marry me?! While we were TTC he cheated on me ffs!!!

Okay. That's all I need to know. He is a selfish cunt. He's shown his true colours. I guess it doesn't matter now. He did it. The world knows what he did. He has to live with that for the rest of his life. And his children have me, and I will be all and more than they need. Fuck it. Time to stop feeling pain and anger. Just pity.

Let's see what effort he makes for his children. I'm betting he doesn't. That's what selfish people do.

You're going to have to find a way to manage the contact with the children that a) doesn't involve him spending time in your home where he can intimidate you and b) neglecting the children in another location.

For that you're going to have to park the emotion, park the bitterness, and get legal advice and other practical support. He sounds like a pretty lazy parent so, if you propose something even half-way workable that involves very little effort on his part, he'll go for it.

2 hours every other week at my mothers is all I can think of as an alternative right now.

I don't trust his mum to stay with him and supervise. So that's not an option at present.

How the fuck is anything going to work with a newborn? I can't see how it's going to work and be fair on the baby. Baby isn't goig away from me, it will be breastfeeding for goodness sake. Last baby rarely went more than 30 mins without being attached to a boob! I'm under no illusions it won't be similar this time! So HOW do you have contact with a small baby that isn't in the mothers home?

It doesn't have to work with a newborn; it's perfectly reasonable to have different contact arrangements for a newborn and a toddler. You could possibly arrange that you'll stay for the first 30 mins of the contact at your mum's house so he can see the baby but then you're off.

I know you can't divorced yet (more's the pity) but as you're separated it's time to put in the CSA claim for the child you do have.

That doesn't seem right though, as if the toddler is more important than the newborn? I can't out my finger on it. I guess I'm worried that he will love/favourite one child over the other. If he loves them at all.

He's paying my car loan at the moment. So until he stops paying it, I'm not bothering making a claim. I'm taking that as it comes. I had agreed to pay part of the car loan to him, the rest being made up in maintenance. I have to aid him anything though as he went back on his agreement to provide childcare while I was at work. So I paid £900 last month for childcare. He can go swing on that since he went back on his agreement.

When he gets the car repossessed then I'll put that claim in . Which reminds me, I'll go look for a new car. Wonder how long I've got on this one...!

The loan is in his name, just to clarify. :)

You seem determined to create the conditions for him to be a good dad in.
I think you might need to accept that he's got to do that for himself.

He's a crap partner, a crap provider, a crap friend, yet you seem to think you must submit to having him around you all the time. You don't.

He can spend an hour or two with you every few days with the newborn and another family member. As baby gets older, he will have to organise things. These are his problems - and if he can't be arsed to contribute, to do anything - then don't try and sort it out for him.

Have you had any actual legal advice because this all sounds very haphazard?

Which bit cog? I don't feel I need any legal advice right now to be honest. Apart from the children, things are simple. Well, they are simple for me. Perhaps not for him. But definitely for me. :)

John, I just don't want my children neglected. He was on his way to that when he lived here. He did the absolute bare minimum unless pushed. He would get DS up and give him his breakfast. He would leave his night nappy on for ages after he was up 'because he will poo' well yeah, he might. So change it again?? Then he would leave DS naked, or in a vest all day. Which would be fine in summer. Not so in winter. He left him to run about the house all day, while he played computer games. He would take him out after I pushed him to do it over and over.

I just don't feel like it is in my children's best interests to spend more than the minimum time with someone who is so utterly lazy. Unless he is ready to change that part of himself.

I have another concern which I don't want to post about publicly here. But something that happened a few months ago, which left me questioning him as a person, was there something I didn't know about him.

I don't trust him basically. Don't trust him to act in their best interests. Don't trust him in that he actually cares or loves them. He isn't doing much in the way to reassure me that he does. I need to see that before I willingly let him take a non verbal 2 year old and a baby away from me.

It doesn't sound simple to me, I'm afraid. You've got a very unsatisfactory access arrangement which is being driven by a few incorrect fears and assumptions. I think a good solicitor could suggest something based on their previous experience and save you a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

The money side of things also appears to have too many loose ends with you offsetting maintenance against car loans and so on. Things like that can easily be used to manipulate you.

Legal advice isn't always required but it is vital when you're dealing with an unreasonable person that you say you can't trust and who displays behaviour that gives you cause for concern. They have to be controlled and managed... and that's best done with legal back-up

Absolutely agree with cogito's last post.

The solicitor can also advise definitively re: access centre or alternative as there will be one

Re: worrying about the DCs etc, it's quite normal for one late t to spend more time with another child when there is a newborn. I have a 2 year old and a 12 month old with a 13 month gap. My DH spent much more time with the then 13 month old just before our second DC was born and after as I was heavily oregnant and knacked and was then establishing breast feeding. That is totally normal and in no way means that DH dies t love our DD.

Please don't take this the wrong way bit would you consider counselling for yourself? Quite understandably you seem to me to be spending quite a lot of time thinking about unknown unknowns and how to control these. Which, to me, seems like a way of trying to manage anxiety but is actually making you more stressed