Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How can you make a marriage survive a personality change?

15 replies

ImBatDog · 28/01/2015 16:52

Just that really.

If during a long marriage, one of you goes through something that changes you as a person, how do you adapt to that?

I married very young, been with DH 14 years, i've been to hell and back the last 18mo and at nearly 34 i am no longer the same person i was 14 years ago, and its changing the balance of our relationship and dh is struggling to come to terms with the older, more mature, stronger person that i've grown into.

I thought love on its own would be enough, but i don't know any more.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 28/01/2015 16:54

Has he not matured,too? In what way are you struggling?

Original poster

ImBatDog · 28/01/2015 17:00

he's a fair bit older than me.. i'm just coming up to the age he was when i met him :) So he was already 'grown up'.

I guess we're struggling because he has always been 'in charge' so to speak, and now i'm asserting myself and what i think/feel about certain things a lot more, he's finding it strange, and has voiced a couple of times that i'm making him feel unloved and unvalued/unappreciated.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 28/01/2015 17:03

Why does asserting your pov make him feel unloved?

UptownFunky · 28/01/2015 17:05

Similar thing happened to me too, and my marriage isn't going to survive it.

Gfplux · 28/01/2015 17:07

When you grow apart sadly you rarely grow together again.

InternetFOREVER · 28/01/2015 17:08

I think if bother partners are willing to accept that both of them will change and their needs, etc, will change over time, then a marriage can definitely survive. If one partner tries to resist change, and keep the other trapped in the role they initially had in the relationship, then there might be trouble. So it might be time for your DH to accept he's not the boss and he's going to have to adapt to being more equal partners.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/01/2015 17:09

So now that you're no longer a biddable youngster, he's displeased?

It doesn't sound like this marriage can survive: people who choose partners that they can wield power over are not the kind who will willingly give up having the upper hand.

Relationships based on power struggles are not healthy or viable.

Congratulations on growing into self-knowledge and learning to affirm yourself.

Georgethesecond · 28/01/2015 17:09

I think this is the sort of thing counselling helps with

Original poster

ImBatDog · 28/01/2015 17:09

i have no idea twinklestein, i really dont!

I can only think that because i've always deferred to him, he's liked feeling like i need him, and i guess lately i've kind of proved i don't. I know being out of work for the last year (made redundant and struggled to find a new job) and having to rely on me financially during that time really made him feel useless and like he'd let us down, so maybe its a hold over from that?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 28/01/2015 17:15

Love is never enough to make a relationship stand the test of time, mutual respect is the key, in other words, you have to like each other!

Also, having a good moral compass and believing in being there throughout the bad times helps a lot! There should never be competition, you are each other's half.

Don't like the in charge - makes him look controlling.

Original poster

ImBatDog · 28/01/2015 17:24

he's not really Jan, i've allowed him to take on that role, partly because it suited me.. now it doesn't.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2015 17:26

I'm with GoatsDoRoam.... was he expecting you to stay a naïve 20 year-old for life? Most people would enjoy seeing their partner grow in confidence and capability, not least because it rather goes hand in hand with getting older. If he's struggling with his own self-esteem because he's had problems and been out of work, that's unfortunate and of course you're sympathetic. But he should also feel lucky that, when there was a crisis, you could step up and be so supportive.

No more 'deferring'... you're his equal

MerdeAlor · 28/01/2015 18:53

I'll second councelling.

People often change during the course of a relationship and if it causes difficulties councelling is the place to work it out.

I disagree that couples that have grown apart rarely grow together again. Yes it takes commitment and effort but if both are willing to put that in then there is every chance it can work.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/01/2015 18:56

Well he's not the boss anymore. He liked being the boss. Do you really want to stay with someone who wants to be your boss?

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 28/01/2015 21:20

dh is struggling to come to terms
Like you said, it is his problem, not yours. Carry on as you are. He will either get over it or he won't. It is out of your hands. Just be consistently your new self so he knows what he is adjusting to.

Flip