Please help me to decide what to do. This is only my 1st post - but been lurking for ages! Apologies if it's long & rambling but I'll aim for succinctness.
Background:
Husband & I have been together 12 years & married 6.5. 1 pre-schooler & 1 3 month old. Recently moved house & doubled mortgage.
6 months ago (when I was 6 months pregnant) my husband declared he was unhappy, had been for years & was in love with someone else. The OW is somebody he talks to constantly on FB & plays online games with day & night. In addition she had just separated from her long-term bf who was apparently very controlling/did nothing/wouldn't let her go to baby groups etc & made her drive him & his family everywhere.
We talked, agreed we needed to do more to work on the relationship. Without a doubt we have spent less time together, done less, talked less since we had our first child who was a spirited & time-consuming baby.
I thought it was a crush/grass is greener thing with someone he'd only met once & that was when I was with him.
We also continued with the house purchase because (in hindsight) I didn't realise how serious the situation was & thought he was getting cold feet like all first time buyers. Equity from "my flat" & loan from my mum not ring fenced legally.
He never stopped talking to her & within weeks 1 week before I went into hospital he was supposedly on a football away trip with his friend, but was actually with her. A couple of weeks after baby was born he was breaking down & said he needed to clear his head & disappeared for the weekend & was with her & more recently I actually asked him specifically if he was with her rather than being out for drinks & he said no, but her fb then proved otherwise.
he periodically breaks down in tears & says he doesn't know what to do & has even talked about driving into a wall.
I want him to stay & actively make himself happy within our family. I can't imagine not growing old with him, sharing babies 1st steps, older one's first day at school, taking them on holidays.
He lost his social circle when he took redundancy & changed jobs which is a massive contributer to him feeling lonely & think this along with getting a better job (low self esteem about earning less than me) will help him. He's already lost 5 stone +
From a lot of what he says I think he's depressed based on nhs description
I have said we can't be together unless he gives up contact with her & he says he can't but wasn't actively doing anything to leave apart from do even less around the house and withdrawing from me. If he goes he says it will be to his parents 200 miles away but not to her as we can't afford 2 households here. I have suggested he needs to start job hunting there if he's not giving her up & committing to our family, which he is now doing.
It's almost like I've made the decision for him by making him be active - even though it's not the outcome I want?
Should i keep fighting or just admit defeat. Life as a single parent to 2 under 5's will be massively more difficult for me financially & therefore lifestyle wise, & I worry so much about the impact on the children. How much contact will he have living so far away, how can he choose her & her 3 year old over our children, when will they be able to go to clubs/birthday parties if they are on the m1 every other weekend.
congratulations if you've made it this far - any opinions, thoughts greatly appreciated