Firstly i want to say sorry this is going to be a fairly long post as i want you to know the whole story and not just bits so you can give clear advice knowing all the facts.
So i met my erm partner ex partner unsure what exactly he is atm.
First year absoubtly fine lived together got on pretty well, one child involved, anyway nothing really to report the first 2 years fine and like a normal family, he used to moan alot about work how crap it was he wanted out, i stupidly found a vacancy at another place and he applied and went on to get the job which of course was good news, he soon realised at the new place he had to work alot harder than the old job but this did show in his wages , anyway in the 2nd year of the rel things were ok, He was working alot more gone frm about 25 hrs at the old job to 35-40hrs at the new place but we still got on ok just didnt see each other as much. we also moved house in year 2into a proper family home long term rent ( before we had rented but knew it wasnt somewhere to settle) at this point we had occasional fall outs nothing major though.
Now the real problems began in year 3/4 of the relationship he got a promotion and was now manager which was great news so i thought the hours increased and our child was at the stage of needing to mix with other children before going into education so i found local groups places to go whilst he was at work so i wasnt in the house all day, he didnt like this one bit and said i shouldnt go and he wanted me to stay in and look after dc i had a list of days and events that were on for about 3 days ( mornings each 2-3 hrs) wrote down but he said no way was i going out 3 mornings a week even though this was for toddler groups etc i was very isolated at this point i lost alot of friends as it was impossible for me to go out in the evenings and daytime was difficult with dc he made it clear he liked the family unit him, me and dc.
Things went from bad to worse and this is when the name calling began and slapping it was really lonely time of my life and writing this is bringing back all the painful memories, he would lash out and slap me across my face this was in the living room and yes dc would see this and cry / scream at points dc was on the sofa crying and i would try and get him out the room but he kept on shouting swearing and trying to get me. He eventually would get out to the hallway but still try and get in the door i had to move the sofa sometimes to block the door but hes strong so sometimes didnt work.
When he couldnt get back in he would go upstairs to our bedroom and smash my perfume up he did this only once but i had to clean up the glass and have my dc on the bed with me at all times. I knew then that he has issues ive never seen before.
He would then go to work and text me a hour later like nothing had happened. Anyway things like that kept happening for a good few months of hell i would often just cry at night and i remember how low i felt but i was stuck i had no where else to go so i stayed and hoped things get better,now going into year 5 the last year, we started getting on ok... and then the landlord seen the contract was coming to renewal but was putting the rent up . My partner was refusing to pay the increase for various reasons and said he wanted to buy a house so i agreed as renting was just dead money. We went through to almost buy a house, this fell through at the last minute and a few weeks later i had a mc this was all too much for him and he lashed out this time dc wasnt around thank god, he attacked me he pulled me off a bed and hit my head off a chest of draws and then pushed me agaisnt the wall and split my lip i was really shaken and didnt know what had happened this was the worst ive ever seen him lose it and i knew that was it i couldnt keep this man in my life or dc life.
I managed to find a place to rent a smaller place just for me and dc and moved out he knew i was going and couldnt change my mind he accepted he went too far and apologised over and over.
I stupidly gave him another chance at the rel a few months later , he doesnt live with us though i have been clear on that , i can never think about living with him again the thought of it makes me feel ill and sad. Since then we have been on and off and lately ive just gave up hope i keep trying and trying but since oct/nov i realise the feelings i lost for him all that time ago when he started calling me names i cannot get back, i dont feel any love for him anymore. Ive realised forgiveness is not as easy as i thought and i simply cannot get over the past like he says i should, we often talk about what happened because i bring it up saying i dont see the rel going anywhere and he just says things will get better and i need to get over the past.
I am just wanting others opinions as i have little contact with friends i dont have many . I have wrote most of the rel i cant be sure of the exact times things happened thats why ive wrote years although alot has happened the last 2 years especially the last year so its difficult to place events to time.
Now im in the situation where i havent spoke to him for the last 3 days and i havnt seen him since the weekend he texted me this morning and said he is 'so so sorry' for everything hes done, i have ignored this but finding it all difficult thats why i have come on here for advice.
Thanks for reading sorry its so long