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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know why I'm getting married...

16 replies

Blue73 · 28/01/2015 10:16

It's just a few months away and I'm dreading it. We got engaged when I was pregnant, and then while in the midst of newborn happiness I thought we should set a date. My partner just wanted his family and mine at the wedding, but I have several friends who have been wonderful to me over the years and wanted them there. So already there was a difference of opinion, I won't go into the rest but basically he came home last night from a client meeting and it is not good news - he thinks he might have to go bankrupt. Our wedding is a modest affair, but even the £1,000 budget feels extravagent at this time. He's obviously depressed about his situation, and that's compounding it because he would rather lie in bed then get up and do something about it. He's a good, honest man and a brilliant father who pulls his weight around the house. But obviously he's not enthusiastic about a wedding when he's facing financhial ruin. I don't know what to do- hope it all works out or post-pone the wedding!

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 28/01/2015 10:25

The first question to sort out is whether you want to be married.

Have you looked at the legal differences between marriage and cohabitation?

If you want to be married, then it's a case of replanning the actual wedding to something you are both happy with and can afford (which might mean very low key now, and big party later).

If you don't actually want to be married, no amount of budget wedding suggestions will fix things.

Bumbiscuits · 28/01/2015 10:25

From what you say, postpone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2015 10:26

With respect, 'hoping it all works out' isn't much of a strategy if you're facing bankruptcy as a family. You need urgent advice and intervention - financial and possibly medical if you think he is depressed. I don't know how much of your wedding has been paid for in advance or what deposits would be lost if you cancelled but there may still be ways to go ahead but scale it down further.

Who knows about his financial problems? Who can help you?

intlmanofmystery · 28/01/2015 11:14

If you don't know why you are getting married then I'm not sure you should be getting married! If you are confident that it is the right thing for you both (your post hints that not everything is right between you) then better to postpone and take the time to (i) let your partner sort out his finances and (ii) make sure marriage is still what you as a couple actually want...

Crunchybadger · 28/01/2015 11:24

Dreading stuff isn't a great indicator of future happiness....!

If it's just about the £, why not pop into a registry office for the legal bit, then have the party when you're back on your feet cash wise?

Personally, marriage ain't for me, but I appreciate you might want some security/legal protection first, then the celebration but when you can afford it.

Crunchybadger · 28/01/2015 11:25

bit

Original poster

Blue73 · 28/01/2015 15:48

Hello there - cheers for responding. After writing this I sat down and discussed it with my partner. I do want to be married, I'm just worried that at this time splashing cash on the event is not the best thing to do! And I don't want to put pressure on an already stressful situation. There's no rush for us to get wed! However, just talking it through has helped - he's aware he needs to get help and has spent the day sorting stuff out. We've also decided that rather than have a sit-down lunch, we're going to have a buffet so that will cut about £300 off the budget. Thankfully we have amazing friends who can help out with photography, baking cakes ect and we've asked for help rather than presents. He got an email from the client just now saying they will do all they can not to cut his fees! So he may yet avert financhial meltdown! It goes to show that being open about how you're feeling does help to improve a situation.

OP posts:

Millie3030 · 28/01/2015 20:55

Glad you had that chat, there are great ways to cut costs for weddings. Friends doing photos is great if you ask everyone to take photos as you don't have a photographer they will all try and get a good shot of something and you will get loads of great ones.

And a buffet is great, people would rather you both be happy and relaxed than have a sit down dinner and you both be stressed about the cost.

NomNomDePlum · 28/01/2015 21:01

i don't want to be negative, it sounds like it's what you want to do, but is it wise to marry if he is on the verge of bankruptcy? i'm not altogether clear what the rules are in relation to this, but it may be better for you to keep things legally separate until it's clear that's not what's on the cards, for both your sakes. you can always marry later, when things have improved.

Heels99 · 28/01/2015 21:04

Does he owe people money? If so, do you still have the budget to spend in the wedding or should it be used to pay creditors?

Heels99 · 28/01/2015 21:05

Seriously discussing sit down meal or buffet is crazy? He is about to go bankrupt!!!!

Broaderband · 28/01/2015 21:18

Good luck and I do hope it all goes well. The wedding and the business. Hopefully the wedding will lighten his mood and make him more positive about the future.

getthefeckouttahere · 29/01/2015 00:04

I may seem a bit old fashioned here (jesus!!!) but nowhere did you say or did i detect anything along the lines of 'i'm crazily in love with him/ i am desperate to spend the rest of my days with him good times or bad/ or even he drives me crackers but i love that dude.

It all just seemed a bit........meh.

Have you considered a bit of pre marriage counselling to examine your motivations?

GoatsDoRoam · 29/01/2015 00:10

If you are married, won't you be legally responsible for his debts?

bitbybitbybit · 29/01/2015 02:19

I would definitely recommend postponing. Getting married and organising a wedding (even low key) is stressfull. And you've said it yourself can be tough on a couple's finances....i don't really see what alternatives you habe hun....and it's not at all a bad thing! You wanna start off married life on a light note and both be ready for it. Dealing with bankruptcy and feeling depressed will need to be dealt with first i think.

You'll set a date eventually, once you're both back on your feet Xx

Joysmum · 29/01/2015 06:22

I suggest you both speak to citizen advice or the money advice service only go to organisations, not business who want to make money from renegotiating your debts!) and look at this page too:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan

My understanding it that you won't be liable for his debts but it will of course impact on your lives together and will affect your ability to jointly get credit to live when married.

Get advice about your position and how best to manage to avoid bankruptcy.

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