How to tell if he's not really into you?

[InTrepidNation]

My BF split with his ex wife 18 months ago. They didn't have children together but she had two from a previous relationship who he would love to see but doesn't.

I have a 4 year old DD who he has met a couple of times recently on outings. We've been together 8 months.

There's something that has been playing on my mind that makes me very cautious about us.

I wonder if it's me he loves or if he would have just anyone? And I don't know how to tell.

He has spoken about wanting children. Last night, he admitted that it's a massive worry to him that he will be an "old dad" and he feels so broody. (He's 33)

He has said a couple of times how wonderful it is to share a bed with "someone". I raised my eyebrows about the "someone".

I wonder if we met too soon after his ex left him for her ex. And if he is over it. He says he had counselling afterwards and he feels he came to terms with it sooner then he usually would and actually now he's happier with himself then he has ever been.

I should add that I think he's brilliant. I'm inlove with him. We have a great relationship apart from this one niggle. I've actually never been treated so well.

My ex, DDs dad, was emotionally abusive. It took me a long time to realise he didn't really love me. I don't want to make the same mistake again. How do I figure it out?

The key question here is: Do you want to sabotage this relationship? He sounds very interested and keen on a future with you. You say that you're in love with him and have a great relationship. Why wouldn't he want to be with you?

I suspect that you might be looking for the holes as a way of protecting yourself now from any future hurt.

Please don't overanalyse things, it will do more harm than good.

You're never going to find out what he actually thinks so why not presume the best ad just go with it?

From what you're describing it sounds like he's really into you.

I'm with Beyonce on this one - "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. "

In the situation you describe, I would be paying attention to his willingness to make a firm commitment to you.

If it is YOU he wants then he should be willing to marry you and give you that security - but I am old fashioned when kids are involved.

If he wants to share your bed; enjoy a family life with you and your child; and wants kids of his own; then I'd expect a marriage proposal to be forthcoming sooner rather than later.

With regards to sharing a bed with someone, it is wonderful. Us blokes can be a bit soppy like that, we're allowed ;-)
And that "someone" he was referring to was you. Agree with the pp - risking over analysing this one comment.

I'm not so sure you're overthinking. You've identified two fairly casual examples there that could be something or nothing in isolation but, if you're getting a vaguely unsure feeling in general, there might be something else going on. Could be entirely your own insecurity, of course. Could be that there's something about his manner that isn't sitting right with you, but which you can't put your finger on.

To me personally, a relationship break-up that was so traumatic that someone needed counselling afterwards was not just some run-of-the-mill thing but a seismic event. For someone to be denied access to their own step-children, there's got to be a back-story and I'd need to know what it was. Talking about children eight months into a relationship and only 18 months after a traumatic break-up sounds a lot like 'rushing'. I would also be slightly taken aback by the phrase 'sharing a bed with someone'.... English is a very precise language.

Don't ignore misgivings... be aware of them & test them out.

Thank you everybody.

I feel like I am over thinking everything at the moment. It's all been really nice, but now it's getting a bit more serious, I feel a little bit insecure and things are going round in my head. I am trying to figure a few things out before my DD becomes involved in the relationship.

But I don't want to ruin anything unnecessarily!

Sam I definitely don't want him to put a ring on it at this point haha!

I like it when he says things about how nice it is to wake up with ME! But the "someone" did make me think! My answer to that was "oh no! I love my own bed, I'll only share it with someone who deserves it!"

Cog, I do know the backstory. Their relationship deteriorated over time and they separated, at that point he still had access to the children. He treated them as his own. She then went back to her youngest's father, this caused bitterness and arguments. It was then revealed she had been having an affair with her ex and she cut contact so as to avoid confusing the children. He stepped back and continued seeing their marriage guidance counsellor alone. It does sound traumatic.

I don't feel like we are rushing. If anything it's been nice and slow. Lots of fun dates, spending nice time together. He's only met DD in last couple of weeks. The talk of children hasn't been trying to get me to talk about having children together, more talk of what we want in the future. He spoke about feeling worried about it when he was showing me pictures of a friend's new baby.

In the back of my mind I worry he is settling. I met his parents and apparently they liked me. He joked that I was a lot different to other people he had introduced them to. I am tall and blonde and quite outwardly confident (not inwardly as is being revealed here) and apparently his exes have all been small, dark and quite reserved.

That has contributed to this feeling that I might not be an ideal.

Everything came really naturally though, for the first several months, I'd never felt so comfortable with anyone. And I always got the feeling there was a lot of mutual attraction.

I just don't know how to "test it". I don't know how to tell if someone is settling for you?

I know what you mean.

When my dad and mum split, my dad was quickly out dating again and became what I call a 'serial monogamist'.

He never wanted to be on his own and in his eyes, any nice lady was the one until she ended it and he quickly found the next. He was desperate to have someone to love, and be loved.

I think all you can ever do in a relationship is trust the person you are with enough to be able to be open and honest and talk through your fears.

Thanks Joysmum, that is kind of the situation I want to be involved in.

My ex-husband was a "serial monogamist" and he repeated the same pattern with all his girlfriends. But I was the one dumb enough to marry him. As soon as we were married, everything changed and it was clear, he just wanted someone to look after him. Anyone.

My current BF's previous relationships were all very whirlwind. He says he thinks our relationship is great because he feels like I'm his best friend as well as his girlfriend, which he's never really had before.

Now the insecure side of me wonders if this just means he's not as "madly in love with me".

I meant it's the kind of situation I DONT want to be involved in !!!!

He has a history of whirlwind relationships and the last one ended in a real disaster. He's now talking about you being his best friend, discussing children and futures together. Does he have friends? A social life? Other interests? Do you?

I would be worried, on the strength of what you've written, not that his isn't 'madly in love with you' but rather the opposite i.e you're both very invested in a relatively short space of time. He's only met your DD twice, you don't live together.

No rush

Yeah we both have active social lives, and careers. The "best friend" thing I took more as meaning, we are good friends too. We knew each other a bit before dating and hit it off really well from the beginning.

I DO feel very invested. And I think that's why I'm suddenly getting paranoid it's not equal. But I don't think anything has gone too quickly.

I've probably made it sound like we have lots of deep and meaningfuls and serious talks about the future all the time, we don't. We mainly just enjoy ourselves but we have talked about what we want in the future for ourselves. I wanted to make sure we didn't want drastically different things before he met DD.

i feel like I'm being slightly defensive now, sorry! He is making an effort to change mistakes he's made I think.

So maintain the status quo. If it's working as it is, don't change it. If you feel uncomfortable with anything, deal with that specifically. No obligations, no compromises.... your life to manage your way.

I wonder if you are really the one who is settling. Just because he seems perfect for you doesn’t make it so. Is it because he is so unlike your ex? This happened to a friend of mine. Her ex husband was a womanising drug addict and her next bf was totally the opposite and seemed ‘perfect’ for her. But he bored her and was very needy and demanding. The only attraction was that he didn’t have the faults her ex had, but there was no spark after a while and he irritated her.
Take it slow and examine how you would feel if he wasn’t around. Would you be devastated if it ended? Do you feel that he is your best friend as well? Are there big differences between you which would be even bigger if you lived together 24/7?

It sounds like you're overthinking this. He left his ex 18 months ago, and you've been together 8, and he had counselling in between. Sounds pretty normal, and certainly not reboundy. He treats you well, and on a day-to-day basis you are happy. What's more, he's starting to talk about having children, which is surely a sign of growing commitment (NB That does not mean you have to go down that path if you don't want to. He has about 40 years of potential childbearing ahead of him, so you have time!).

It sounds like maybe he doesn't vocalise his feelings very directly - like many blokes, maybe he's embarrassed? The answer's quite simple: if you're worried about whether he's happy, just ask him. If you're worried about whether he loves you, just ask him.

8 months is early days. Carry on as you are. Don't get pregnant. Don't move in together. Maintain your other friendships. Don't start doing his housework. See how it goes.

Perhaps you should ask How to tell if I'm really into him? instead of How to tell if he's not really into you?.

To me it's just a gut feeling - it feels different - if the man is wanting "anyone" or if the man wants you-you.