Living with parents

[GeorgieT81]

My parents are in their 60's and are not very well off. About 3 years we built a "granny annexe" on our property and they moved in with us.

Whilst they contribute to household finances we subsidise them to about £250.00 per month.

They do help around the house but sure let me know about it.

One of the main issues we have is they will just walk into our house at any time of night or day meaning we have little privacy. My mum is very argumentative and picks on me for the slightest of things. My parents have held me back ever since my early teens and as such I have very little confidence. Even though I am now married with a daughter and in a professional career they still treat me like a child. They have little respect for our house or boundaries.

We recently found out that 1000 new houses were going to be built in the fields opposite us so discussed the possibility of moving.

My parents went ballistic and said they didn't want to move but if they had to we needed to get a house with another annexe and under no circumstances would they move into rented accommodation.

We would like to move within walking distance of my daughters school and get our family life back without the influence of my parents.

They have resorted to SEVERE emotional blackmail, never in front of my husband, to the extent that I feel I cant move even if I wanted to.

My husband is very angry as he feels our lives are being dictated by my parents and this is causing a rift between us.

I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place - any advice?

Well, you say they moved in with you in this granny annex but you have issues with them being in your home...

I am assuming that they are conjoined. Do they have full kitchen facilities/bathrooms etc in their annex?

So they moved in with you for financial reasons. I would assume that they don't feel very stable. I can understand why they would be apprehensive about you looking to move as this throws their home security out of the window... Which at the age of 60 might be quite stressful.

If you didn't have a great relationship to start with, why did you let them move in? Now, either you will be unhappy by your compromise or you risk not having them in your life at all by making them homeless. (Assuming that they can't afford anything else.)

Can you cut off the annex (via a lock or whatnot) and only have it open for agreed times? (Ie: Mon/Wed/Fri between 4 and 9pm and weekends... Whichever suits you all best.) You clearly need some defined space of your own and to take control of your own home.

I'm a great believer in that parents give so much and forgo alot when we're growing up, that when elderly a bit of giving back when they need us is warranted.
I have assured my mother/father that if and when the time comes i would step up to the plate and look after them if needed. they are hitting early 80's now. I also realise I'm a little unrealistic when it would become a financial burden, medical, or effect my own family to the point where we would always have a +1 in tow. But i'd hate to think of them unhappy, lonely etc, particuarly if one passed away.

I commend you on helping them out. That's wonderful. But they are 60's. Hardly 'old'. I wouldn't be happy with the popping in sporadically. Pass remarking by your mother and blackmail.
I would set boundaries. I'm not sure the set times as mentioned above would work. That's a bit regimented.
I think yourself and your dh need to sit down and think what is best for your own life/family here. It's very much a rock and hard place but they can't dictate your life for you. Gain some confidence and make a decision for you both, your parents will have to go with whatever you decide to do. If it means moving to their own little place. So be it. It might force them to become more independant.

Given your history with them, moving them in was a bad idea.

But what you do next depends on what happened 3 years ago.

Tbh, if you offered (or they asked and you agreed) a permanent home, then I think it's pretty unfair for you 3/4 years later just to say "tough, we're moving". Did they sell to move in with you? Give up social housing? Give up a good rented deal?

If it is ruining your marriage (genuinely, after trying to address issues with them) then unfortunately for them it's tough luck, they're out. But that's pretty harsh on them.

What have you done to make the current set up work?
Why do the come in and out of your house? Do they have kitchen / bathroom / sitting room?
If yes, then you MUST set boundaries. Just as if they were miles away - call before you come over.
Even if you do decide to turf them out and move to a new build, presumably that's a year away - you need to sort these boundaries NOW.

Being sixty-two myself, I don't see why your parents have to live with you, OP. If it is for purely financial reasons, is there no financial solution to this? They sound way too young to be living in a granny flat and inflicting so much stress on you.

Thank you for all the quick replies.

They did have a rented place but my father would have had to continue working past retirement age to afford it.

Their annexe is fully contained and completed to a high standard with the exception of a basement utility room that they share with us. The utility room also has direct access to our house, which is the route they take into our home.

We have tried requesting simple things such as don't let your dog into the house etc but these requests are just ignored when we are not around. Whenever they run short of things they just take it from our house when we are out.

We did offer to give them £20,000 to help them out financially if they had to move to rented but they said it wasn't enough and would claim "sitting tenants rights" if we tried to do something they didn't agree with.

I wouldn't give them access to your house. They don't need it. If they were actual tenants you wouldn't give them it, you'd make an arrangement for regular access to the utility room alone. Could you add another lock so that this room no longer gives access?

I would move. If your parents are capable of work then perhaps that's what they need to do to have a life/home of their own. They sound manipulative. You're doing a good thing for them and they don't appear appreciative.
250 saved a month? Plus you're offering them more money. You obviously are in a different financial situation to me (can't imagine ever having 20k) but 250 every month is a lot of money!

I'm with your husband.

I agree with the PP.

Put a lock on your door leading to the utility room, that way they cannot just come in and out as they please. If they mention bitch about it mutter something about security. I wouldn't then discuss it further....just ignore the moaning.

If you want to move then move and Ignore their emotional blackmail. By locking the conjoined door you can choose when to discuss this with them, for instance only doing it when your DH is about. Your parents seem to making you unhappy, so personally you now need resolve this by doing what is right for you and 'your' family (DH and your daughter).

Another suggestion could be that you rent out your house (not the annexe so they could stay there) and buy a house nearer to your daughters school. Could you afford to do this?

the first thing you need to do is put a lock on the door in the utility room they use to access your house.

the next is to stop subsidising them with the £250 a month

you really need to sort out your boundaries with them, threatening you with sitting tenants rights and the rest of it is not the action of loving (grateful!!) parents.

imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your husband's parents behaving like this and encroaching so much into your life. Your poor husband.

The rift will only continue to widen between you.

What is the severe emotional blackmail? What else are they holding over you?

If this is causing a rift with your husband then you need to put your husband first.

your parents gave you life but they aren't entitled to suck it out of you and consume it later on.

There's a balancing act and it sounds to me like the biggest battle you have is to actually stand up to them in the first place. You are entitled to live without have arguments picked with you all the time and to have them walking in and out all the time.

Guilt tripping and emotional blackmail is a nasty, nasty trick. Look outside your own family and look at the sort of people who do this, how selfish they usually are. Then look at your parents clear eyed, as if they were strangers.

I think you need to actually talk this over iwth your husband, to ask his help in supporting you and for his sake and the sake of your daughters to tell them that you are moving. Full stop.

You can stay in touch with them and support them (mind you in your 60's a lot of people still work!) and be there for them but you need to achieve a balance with that and your home life.

for some reason a Biblical quote comes to mind: A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife. Yes, you honour your father and mother. But your primary loyalty is to your husband and daughters.

And yes, put a lock on the door. Or get your husband to do it. Prepare for their storms but this is something that is necessary.

Why didn't they receive help - Housing Benefit - on the last rented place?

To be honest they do sound like they are using you and behaving very badly.

How dare they!

I don't think they realise how lucky they are. I would love to be able to do this for my mum but she certainly wouldn't act like they are.

Do not let them dictate your life. Because remember it's not just about you anymore, it's your husband and child. You have to fight them for their sake too. They are being incredibly selfish. I would give them an ultimatum, they accept your offer of financial help and find their own place or when it comes to you moving they'll have no place to go.

Oh and put a lock on that door!

Your parents are not sitting tenants. Get a lock on the utility door in to your part of the house. The four of you need to sit down and have an adult conversation re moving and financially subsidising your parents.

Very wise words from Meerka

They are being selfish and they cannot make you stay. You could also talk to the citizen advice bureau in regard to 'sitting tenants rights', I say this as they are not paying rent and in fact you are paying them to 'live' in the annexe. You have been more than financially generous and your husband is right they are dictating your life.

And anyone can sell up and require tenants to move out, if done properly.

Surely your parents are entitled to quite a few benefits, housing benefit being the first. When you go to the CAB ask about that too, if you can.

Wow! These two are acting very entitled!

Write a letter to them stating:

All of their actions you find unacceptable.

What you expect them to do about it

And what will happen if they don't.

Be clear, firm and courteous throughout the letter.

Your parents aren't actually your responsibility and they are taking advantage of your generosity.

The other thing you could do is write a letter stating you are selling up and moving to somewhere without an annexe. Tell them you will provide evidence of this fact to the council so that they can get LA accommodation.

Do not pay £20k to them. Fair enough help with removals etc.

You'd give the £20K? Are you (a) crazy (b) made of money?!

I did say earlier about it being somewhat unfair if you'd led them to make big changes based on this annexe. But any sympathy I had is dissipating with them threatening to squat!

You do need to grow a pair though. Why on earth haven't you put a lock on the utility room access?

Presumably you were browbeaten by them into having this granny annexe built for them three years ago.

They are still treating you like they did when you were a child and thus have not fundamentally altered. The additional problem here is that your own family unit are also being affected by their actions and outright selfishness.

You are still in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to them aren't you and those damaging legacies still rule your existence even now. They still have you in their iron grip.

It also does your child no favours at all to see her grandparents treat her mum and dad like you are being treated.

You need to move and live your own life without them in it day to day.

I'm assuming that they did NOT move in before 1989? In that case, they are NOT Sitting Tenants. They don't even pay you rent, just a contribution to household expenses, so they are merely lodgers.

As lodgers, they have no legal protection at all. They most certainly do NOT have the right to stop you from selling the house. In fact you can give them 'reasonable' notice to leave, and if they don't do so you can lock them out when they leave one day. So please stop worrying about that.

I agree with everyone else though, get a lock on the Utility door and start setting some boundaries. They will probably get worse though. With luck after awhile they will realise you are serious and they'll stop this behaviour, but they may not, and you need to realise that they will happily destroy your marriage if they think it will safeguard their easy life.

Well, it depends whether you want to continue to have a relationship with your parents, daughter's grandparents.

If you don't, then, sure, you can evict them, lock them out etc.

But they're not some random lodgers. They're family. You're going to have to be a lot more subtle to get what you want, without causing a permanent rift.

When you built the granny annexe, it sounds as if they were given the impression that it would be a long-term arrangement. Most probably, they thought they'd be living close to you till they died. 60 may not be old, for some, but most 60+ don't anticipate chopping and changing their housing situation more than once.

I can see that they'd expect a similar arrangement if you moved house. But you've had a change of heart. It's not working out for you. Are you being unreasonable?

How much help did you agree that they would give around the house? Difficult to do that, if you're thinking of blocking access. What household expenses do they contribute to? Do you actually give them £250? They wouldn't be entitled to housing benefit as things are.

From their point of view, £250 p.m may not be a subsidy, just payment for services rendered. Are they right?

I think you all four of you need to sit down and have a frank discussion, with the premise that, of course, you, as their daughter, do not want to hurt their feelings and their welfare is important to you BUT ... Then work together to come up with a new set of guidelines.

It might be a difficult meeting, but the alternative is likely to be a lot worse.

What a nightmare situation!

They sound toxic.

You need to move out of this.