Hitting 40, feeling stifled and lost!

[creativeme]

I think I am having one of those midlife moments almost to the point where it is making me question everything,( midlife 40 crisis lol) with everyone and every move I make. I will be 40 next month and I am not dreading it but more thinking, I want to make sure I make the right moves and not the opposite.

I split from a rather insensitive man, the end of 2013 time and after that I have been rather picky about what I am looking for. I have a great career, lifestyle, own house, car, no debts and life too, with quite a high lifestyle with my friends too, which it makes it hard for me to need a man, trust me it is hard and men find this part of me difficult. I have already mentioned this to this man I have met about my lifestyle and giving everything up.

This man I met 3 weeks ago. He is 41, a lovely man, bought a house nearby so he could have a family with, this is his intentions, so he has the right set up as he desperately wants a family, more two children, marriage and to settle down. which is lovely but...I am not sure I want two, I already stated I would like one, before I reach 41. He still wants to see me and we still meet up twice a week etc.

Sadly, he lost two children with his ex partner which had a huge impact on his emotions and life at that time and still at times brings this up the fact two were lost and I believe, would like to have this back in his life again. She was rather destructive with money, that he admits he only tells me about it and he never told his parents. They would be devastated, as she cost him a lot of money and he paid off all her debts.

The sex is great between us, he is completely different to what I normally go for, he is very logical in life, I am more creative and emotional at times. He has had the same job for 15 or more years and is very secure with long term relationships, I work for myself and love my freedom and don't work 9-5. I am looking to settle down but feel pressured and feel quite down lately, like I ask myself, am I that type? he has asked me do I want marriage and kids, I said yes but just one would be nice before I am 41.

Then whilst having sex he pulls out to make sure we are safe as well as mentioning he doesnt want kids just yet as too soon.....I never really bring up a family, but he has yet again on text last night. Mentioning he has extreme fears about dying, when his grandparents died many years ago, he never really got over that and grieved years afterwards. He fears his parents dying too and himself dying and wants a family to secure this feeling. To which I reply, once you have a family you will feel more settled in life. I never said with me however. He agreed that it will make life better for him.

i hope he isn't just looking for a woman to produce with, as time is getting on. When i ask about any regrets he says that he didnt have a family earlier in life, so you can see how family comes up alot in questions.

I am feeling like I cant relax and cant quite think about children to this level. I too worry about my parents getting older and being left alone but the more I worry about it the more I think about him and pull away. Perhaps its the pressure he is putting me under to feel this more, I was ok before with him...

I am feeling I want to be alone and not always talk to him because of this emotional feeling I have when it is brought up. I feel confused about everything. He has booked my birthday off for my 40th which is lovely but I just wished i could be more upbeat, lively and happier about just us but all of a sudden deflated. I think I am taking this all too seriously but to me I know its a big thing too.

Has anyone else gone through this when they hit a certain age or situation?

I have also paid for a meal when out together and he said he isn't use to it and old fashioned and said it will take him a while to get use to it. He didnt receive that too well. I feel this traditional role isn't really me, I like to pay my share as well, as we earn the same. Also we are shopping this weekend and he wants to buy me a birthday present which is so sweet, but then i mention i may see something for him he said don't buy me anything. It isn't tit for tat its just me being generous.

I think I am more this alpha male in me to work hard and earn money , then this other side feminine and I flit between the two..... He said he doesnt need anything and doesnt want anything and not to buy anything for him.... Fair enough but I still feel urgh.....is this a male thing? I am struggling with this whole traditional male thing as my dad is like that and his parents too but I earn my money and do well, so struggling to get it.

I sometimes wished I wasn't so self efficient and independent as I am sure men don't like it....any help, one confused, upset and totally all over the place woman...hmmmm :(

I feel the urge to scream......lol!!

thank you
xx

Red flags all over the shop I'm afraid.

First, most importantly, you are using contraception, right? Not just him "pulling out". Although, to give him his due, mentioning he doesn't want kids at that moment is probably quite an effective passion-killer, no?

Secondly, he's telling you a lot of emotional stuff after a three week relationship. Death, the problems with his ex, children, traditional gender roles.

Is it actually fun? It's supposed to be fun. Especially after 3 weeks! If you're feeling you'd like to be alone, then bingo, do that!

BTW I don't think it's an alpha male thing to want to earn money and be independent. Anyone who dislikes someone because of their independence is a muppet. A red flag-waving should-be undateable muppet.

Woah there horsey. No wonder you're feeling stifled after only 3 weeks he has already mentioned children? I'm all for being up front at the start but it doesn't sound like you're having fun which is what the start of a relationship is all about! I'd distance yourself as you don't sound too sure of him

Three weeks. Three weeks. Keep repeating that to yourself. You're supposed to be having a laugh, getting to know each other, what the chuff is he doing laying so much emotional stuff on you so early? And PLEASE use contraception. One day he'll 'forget' to pull out and you'll be 50% towards his two child goal.

What about stis? Use condoms!
Agree with the other posters - it all sounds way too intense after 3 weeks! Tbh if you're about to turn 40 and essentially single then your goal of having a child by 41 sounds unrealistic at this point.

Three weeks?
I'm with everyone else.

This is too intense. You're tying your head in knots, which is the opposite of feeling happy, only three weeks in.
He's already telling you he wants different things to you.
He's already telling you that he doesn't like who you are (an independent woman who can pay her own way)

Nope, not a keeper.

I can't believe you're relying on 'pulling out'

I sometimes wished I wasn't so self efficient and independent as I am sure men don't like it....any help, one confused, upset and totally all over the place woman...hmmmm sad

Bollocks. Good men love it. There are good men. Lots of them.

This one is not a good one. Run.

Three weeks and you are feeling confused, risking pregnancy, risking STIs, letting him take responsibility for your sexual health and blaming yourself for not being a doormat.

RUN.

3 weeks? Errrrrrr, fun? We were shagging too much to discuss anything serious by this point!

I know it is pretty urgh at the moment, we are very different but a great chemistry in other areas I am not as attentive so just seeing what I am feeling here. I am wondering if he is just full of something else and its not real....that my suspicions ....nor does he like who I am, no wonder I don't like who I am around him lol.....

thank you

If he is making you feel like that after a few weeks, bin him off. No good will come of it.

Red flag-tastic!
3 weeks? Seriously??

How did he 'lose' 2 children? Do you mean they died?

Hi LadyBlaBlah

well he told me that with his 10 year relationship, she had one child with him, lost it yes, then had another a few years again i.e. tried again and lost that one too. He kept on mentioning how old they would be by now? ok this is like woah!!! - I wasn't sure how to feel, baffled, emotional or lost or all three...and strange.... I am sitting here not even wanting to engage in conversation with him, I feel just weird after the other night discussing this...

I thought I'd misread the three weeks part and had to read it again.

Why are you having these deep and meaningful conversations about family, death, having children when you have only just met?

That stuff takes me years to discuss with a partner.

YOu mean she had two Miscarriages or had babies who died ? Or children who died? Does he have a genetic health condition which could be passed on ?
Losing babies to miscarriage is not exactly the same as losing children ie children who are born then die.

He sounds full of angst. Desperation. It's only been three weeks. You are not a young person ... kids may happen for you or may not.

I totally understand your fear and mid life crisis. I thought it was for 'confused' people.Men who buy the ferrari, have affairs etc. My dear friend hit the big 40 before me last year and burst out crying, I thought she was happy and settled in relationship, children and no money worries.Couldn't understand where she was coming from. But she had her own wants & needs in life & when she hit 40 realised how she wasn't completely fullfilled. I recently turned 40, literally that week it hit me. WHat am i doing in life, what do i want, am i happy with where I'm going. I cried and irrational thoughts and feeling v unsettled. So it happens, even to the most independant and rational beings!
That aside. 3 weeks and you're dealing with alot of heavy talk. I understand that at this age alot of people have an idea then what we want & where we want to go. There are women here who are strung along by men who haven't a clue what they want. It can continue for years. Youhave met a man who has v strong views. What's important to him, what he wants and how a man should be in a relationship. Now some might envy you. Others would feel like you do a bit smothered. Some women here might tell youthat when they met their other half, that he knew instantly he wanted to marry them and did. It's different strokes, it's also timing, it's also aging that we then fear we haven't ticked enough boxes and rush headlong into something.
He does have baggage. no doubt about that. But most people at our age do.
I would be similar to you. I'm independent, I like to pay for myself. I met a man once who kept saying he wanted to spoil me. I couldn't handle it as i felt out of control. I like control in a relationship. A balanced control is ideal. At 3 weeks you don't really know each other yet. Skeletons in closet haven't even put a toe out never mind everything else.
It's a difficult situation, I have a dc. I would have liked another one. but i also have to think at my age this most likely won't happen. I had to deal with that on 40th birthday. I suspect you are finding it overwhelming also because you are seeing you would like a child and that might blinker you to go ahead with a relationship that might not be right purely because he's feeling similar.all the wrong reasons of course.
So, i'mnot sure what to advise you here. i think you need to spend a few months at least with him just concentrating on a relationship and getting to know each other first. Give it a timeline and if you aren't happy move on. I admire your independence but it is ok to have someone 'treat' you and look after you a bit in life too.
I'm sure others will disagree and red flag this but give it a bit more time, tell him to relax, deal with his issues and get to know each other, if you genuinely think he's a nice guy. From ivory towers it's would be easy to say bin him he's too much like hard work, but i see snippets of qualities in him i would want. that's just me.

p.s forgot to say. you might want to slap a condom on while deciding where you want this to go! I'm surprised you'd take that risk with head so confused right now.

On the one hand this stuff is madness after 3 weeks. On the other a friend of mine met her husband at the same age (nearly 40) and the conversations were this serious right from the get go. They both knew what was on the line, and they were both thinking seriously about kids knowing they didn't have much time. However much they tried to play it breezy they were both thinking - shall-we-get-married-shall-we-have-kids-gotta-make-a-decision-quick.

Unless you want to have a baby now and potentially an STI you must use protection.

Doesn't sound like he making you feel happy or comfortable so I would move on. I think its perfectly normal and healthy to re-evaluate your life (turning 40 is as good a time as any!) however this guy doesn't sound right for you if you feel under pressure after only 3 weeks, sorry. Trust me you will wake up on your 40th feeling exactly the same as you did when you were 39 (well, maybe a little hungover) and with another 40 years ahead of you... I also agree with pps: confident, independent women are by far and away the most attractive!

I can't believe you are angsting over the number of children you are having when you have known him three weeks!

This is ridiculous, lust driven craziness really, and has nothing to do with making good decisions about your future.

In fact, if you are not more careful with contraception, you are going to be saddled with this man, even if he turns out to be a wrong'un.

At this stage you are getting to know each other and that doesn't take talk, that takes experience, the experience of seeing someone interact with friends, cope with a crisis, get sick, have to support you. You may be in lust but you really really need to get to know this person as a proper all-round person and only then would I suggest making huge decisions about children.

That doesn't mean you can't have fun, go out, even fall in love. I would say that 6-12 months would be fast for this type of decisionmaking unless you want to utterly stuff up.

Have you got any good female friends you could sound this out with? I'm surprised they haven't told you to back off and cool down!

Did I read it right about him not wearing a condom!! Why Oh why???

It all depends on whether you want children or not, really.

Be careful he doesn't "accidentally on purpose" get you pregnant, tho.

Woah, woah, woah!

Did I hear right, or am I taking crazy pills?

You met 3 WEEKS AGO! And you are making decisions about whether to have one or two children?!

WHAT?!

Charming man tells woman about his two dead children while having unprotected sex with her and talking about how many children he wants to have with her. All within a few days of meeting her.

That could be the plot for a horror movie.

Don't go into the attic wearing only a nightie holding a candle OK?

wow, I'm 6 months into meeting my DH and we're only just tentatively talking on a "what if" level about where we might live if we move in together in maybe a couple of years time.

This dude sounds like the type who will stay awake all night watching you sleep. and not worry if you wake up and catch him starting at you.

Run