Second marriages

[Racmactac]

I have been married, got divorced, have 3 children with ex who is incredibly selfish and argumentative, controlling man. I left him and it took me a long time to realise how crap his behaviour was.

Fast forward 3 years, I have met someone else, he lives with us, he isn't perfect, we argue at times but he wants to do family stuff, he is forever baking, takes kids to play football, he is renovating our house, when he is working earns a decent salary, we get on well, sexy is amazing.

Question is he wants to get married,he wants to know I'm in it for the long term, but I just don't think I'm ready.

I don't want it to fuck up again, I'd hate the thought of having 2 failed marriages. I'm fairly cynical about marriage generally given that I'm a divorce lawyer!

I just don't know what to do

How long have you known him?

Perhaps you should try to understand what your reservations /fears are (privately /with friends) and think realistically if you would be going down the same path twice

You are probablying seeing the worst of it from your job...and can protect yourself financially with prenup eto. ..

How long have you been together?

If you don't feel ready then don't do it.

Maybe say it's not a never, but just not yet. Buys a bit more time and if he cant deal with that then maybe he isn't for you.

I wouldn't get married again unless I was 100% sure about wanting to enter into the legal commitment, far too messy/stressful/expensive to untangle if things don't go according to plan.

How long have you been together, can you perhaps suggest you wait a bit and see how you feel and then go forward from there, in the mean time living together as a family is a massive commitment anyway.

Been together 18 months, lived together 12 months.
Some days I think I really love him, would like to be married, can't imagine life without him and then other days I think I can't be bothered getti married, what's the point.

Some days I think I really love him, would like to be married, can't imagine life without him and then other days I think I can't be bothered being married, what's the point.

I am married and this^ is an accurate description of how I feel. A lot of ltr are like that. TBH, if anything, that you think like that makes me think more that what you have is real.

For second marriage and with the fears you have, I think 18m is too short a time period to really know the full person.

I met someone after my divorce who I thought was the love of my life. The first 24 months were bliss and I could never see us parting. However within months of this lustful honeymoon period, cracks started to show and it became apparent that actually we weren't that suited after all. The relationship fizzled out 6 months later and it taught me a lesson because if he had asked me after 18m I would have definitely said yes.

I would assess again after 3 years together and see how you feel then.

Eighteen months is way too soon to get married especially when children are involved. Everything is still new yet you are already arguing so I would wait and see how you feel after five years together.

'In it for the long term' - I may be an old cynic but marriage would not evidence this, as you've already proven OP.

What do you mean 'when he is working'?

I am about to get my decree absolute and then I'll be free.
I don't intend to ever get married again.
I have a partner and we love each other but marriage is not on the cards.
There is no point as we have both proved with our past relationships.

I disagree with Rosy I'm married and I never ever think "I can't be bothered being married" and I'd be bloody hurt if I found out my DW thought that!

I wouldn't get married unless you're 100% sure it's what you want.

Also, "he isn't perfect" and "we argue at times" do you want to say what that refers to? I know none of us is perfect but some have personalty traits that go far beyond simple imperfections.

You sound like you are not ready to get married, so don't be pressured by anyone. FWIW I was with my DH 5 years, living together 4.5 years before we married.

When he is working - as in he is renovating house at moment rather than regular paid employment.
Marriage means an awful lot to him but not a great lot to me. I'm not entirely sure my view will ever change, I grew up in a single parent family, deal with divorce day in day out .
Should you ever compromise if something means so much to one person?
I don't intend to get married in the immediate few months it is just something that comes up from time to time.
Just because we argue doesn't mean it's doomed right? Everyone argues

Arguments centre around my ex and the way I deal with him, he doesn't always agree it's the right way although I am taking steps in getting professionals to help with this one

The time you have been together is not enough time to make the decision IMO.

You don't know somebody that great after 18mos.

Give it a few more years most relationships are great in the beginning!

What's wrong with the way you deal with your ex? Are you abusive to him, do you mess about with access, demand ever more money on top of any maintenance he pays? Or is the new guy jealous that you still have contact?

The fact you refer to the fact you argue as part of how you talk about him would be what set alarm bells ringing for me. Nobody's perfect, but most of us don't need to make reference to that fact when we talk about someone we love and want to spend the rest of our lives with.

I don't agree there's a "too soon," or whatever because every relationship is different, and while something might unravel after a year for one for someone else it could take ten years. the fact that you came out of a marriage with three dc is testament to the fact that even a long term relationship has no guarantees.

But you are already talking about arguments, about not wanting to bother getting married etc, and that is what makes me think that this relationship isn't right for you. In fact I would question whether the relationship itself has a future.

IMO you are more likely to be against a second marriage because statistically more second marriages fail and you don't want to go there again.

I can relate to this OP and I think to be wary is only natural.

I was married for 25 years before divorcing and I think I knew before the wedding that it wasn't right but went ahead anyway. Now I am happily divorced I have a lovely DP who suits me perfectly despite being a messy bugger. We have bought a house together and all is well. But when he popped the question I panicked. If I said no he would have been very hurt, but I wanted to say "not yet" even after three years together. I am stalling on setting a date out of fear of failure although there is nothing wrong and we get on well.

Maybe have a chat to your DP about your fears and see what he says?

I got divorced with 4 very Young DCs. 7 months after the split I met my new partner. I married him after 14 months.
It had never ever felt so right! (Been together 15 years now)

I also knew that I could manage a divorce if I had to and I wasn't scared of being alone.

I got divorced after a long marriage. I have a partner whom I love but I don't want to go down the marriage path again.

It willbe a very long time before I would be prepared to go through that hell again, even though I have total faith in my other half.

I split up with my first husband in 2006, I too had 3 children. In 2010 I met my lovely husband, we dated for a year before living together and he made no secret that he wanted to get married, he had never been married but had been with his previous partner for 20 years. I wasn't bothered about getting married at all but it was really important to him, I was happy living together and knew we would be together so in 2012 we got married. I worried about stupid stuff like being the oldest bride in the world but honestly it was the best day of my life . I am so glad we did marry because it means so much to him for me to be his wife