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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He didn't love me enough to deal with my shit

40 replies

starshaker · 27/01/2015 15:14

He left me. I feel so completely broken. I was happy for nearly 2 years then it was just gone. There was no arguments or anything. He just decided he had had enough and couldn't do it anymore. I thought he was it for me

OP posts:
Original poster
starshaker · 28/01/2015 09:43

Havent really slept or eaten since saturday. Forcing myself to have something but a couple of bites and i just feel sick again.

I am dealing with my shit. I think it was just an excuse to leave

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2015 09:52

Of course you're dealing with it. And if it hadn't been working for you, you'd have been the one who ended it. It's never pleasant to be on the receiving end.

Do you have friends who can look after you?

Original poster
starshaker · 28/01/2015 10:01

Not really. They are very much "you dont need him he was an asshole anyway". He really wasnt though. If he was then it would have been easier

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2015 10:05

Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to be the wrong person. Applies to both of you. If it wasn't working out for him and he was unhappy, however upset you feel right now, would you have preferred him to stick around and be miserable..?

Tell your friends that you don't want to hear he's an asshole just yet. Ask for practical help instead.

Original poster
starshaker · 28/01/2015 10:10

No of course i dont want him to be miserable. I told him I understood why he had to end it. Doesnt stop it hurting though

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2015 10:12

Of course it hurts but as MN likes to say 'this too shall pass'. Ask for help if you're not coping.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2015 15:05

And it will hurt for awhile. That's just the way heartbreak is. And it needs to be acknowledged that when it's a 'quiet break up', no huge fight, no abuse etc, it's even harder.

But you will get through it. You really will. It's only a few days old. Time does heal, even if it doesn't feel that way now.

Original poster
starshaker · 28/01/2015 20:28

Had a long talk with him today (over text). We had been texting minimally but it was very blunt and cold. I asked if this was how it was going to be now. He said he thought being like that would help me get over him. I told him it just hurt more because it felt like he didn't care and it was so easy for him to walk away. He told me he was finding it hard too and it helped a bit. He started speaking to me normally and I haven't cried since. I feel like what we had did mean something but it was just too hard (travel was draining on him too).

I love him and I think I always will but I can see its what he needed to do. All I want is for him to be happy

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Original poster
starshaker · 31/01/2015 15:17

Ive lost a stone this week. The weekends will be the hardest :(

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 16:54

You're going to have to detach from this person I'm afraid. All the time you're desperate for him to show he cares you're just setting yourself up for more disappointment. There may be some point in the future when you can regard him as a friend but, for now, I think you have to let him go and stay out of contact if you want to make progress.

If you're struggling mentally, please talk to your GP.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2015 19:59

In a way, you are in a more difficult situation than someone who broke up due to abuse, cheating, or in the heat of an argument. It appears to me that he's just a nice guy who was honest with you and explained that the two of you just don't want the same thing. It would be easier if he could be cast as a mean villain and you could hate him.

Be that as it may, it makes it even more important (as Cog says) to detach and blank him out of your life. You are NOT ready to be friends, not by a long chalk! You may never be. But in order to heal and move on, you are going to have to get him out of your heart. The only way will be to go NC with him and keep telling yourself that he doesn't want the same things you do. And that it wouldn't be fair to him OR you, or especially to your children, to pretend there would be a happy future together. It would only end in tears, anger, and resentment.

Original poster
starshaker · 08/02/2015 08:41

Hes coming down today to talk and try and find a way to make us work. Im not going to try and pretend its going to be easy but I do think it will be worth it

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springydaffs · 08/02/2015 13:51

I don't agree (sorry) that detaching will help you in the overall recovery. The end came very suddenly for you and you need some time to come to terms with it. Keeping up a level of (respectful) contact helps get over the initial shock.

But it looks like you're both going to try to give it another go. I hope some good comes of this, either way.

btw why do your friends think he's an asshole?

jasper · 08/02/2015 17:41

really hope you can find your happiness again OP , whatever happens between you x

Original poster
starshaker · 09/02/2015 18:46

It was a knee jerk reaction. He hurt me so he was an asshole. He does make me happy

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