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Original poster

DH can't "get over" birth - advice/help needed!

14 replies

Fiona365 · 19/10/2006 11:32

I had ds 13 mths ago, and dh still can't get over the birth. He thought it was amazing, and I was amazing (LOL) but having been at the business end for part of it means he can't look at me in a sexual way at all.
This is one of the (many) issues we are currently facing, but I was wondering if anybody else had similar experiences, and advice as to how to move through this.

OP posts:
JJane01 · 19/10/2006 12:30

Was it a difficult birth? Traumatic experience? A run-of-the-mill birth? I do have friends whose husbands have hit this kind of hurdle, but it's been when they've experienced traumatic births, so emergency caesarean, things not going quite to plan.

I think my DH was a tad traumatised and I had a natural birth, but I think it was a two-way thing - when we were ready to bd again we took our time.

Have you asked him? Have you told him that you don't view your bits solely as baby-producing bits, and that they're actually first and foremost sexy bits...?

Is he fearful of another pregnancy soon after the first?

Original poster
Fiona365 · 19/10/2006 12:38

It was quite a quick birth - 5 hrs, ended up with ventouse, but the pushing bit was really tough (no urge to push) and that's when he got involved at the other end.

I have tried to talk about it a bit (neither of us is great at communicating), but it seems really stuck in his head.

OP posts:
lulumama · 19/10/2006 12:49

it might be a combination of a lot of factors

some men do find it hard to look at their wife as a sexual being after her vagina & breasts have been 'used' by the baby......he might also be slightly traumatised by the birth itself, especially if quick and complicated....and seeing you in pain

he might be scared of hurting you or of you getting pregnant again

whatever it is , you need help to communicate, especially if you have other issues to deal with

is this your first child?

bluejelly · 19/10/2006 12:51

No advice but lots of sympathy. Sounds like you guys really must talk.
Do you get any time away from the baby, just the two of you? A few intimate dinners sound called for...

Original poster
Fiona365 · 19/10/2006 14:06

lulumama - it is our first (and likely to be only) child.

bluejelly - we don't get away much just the 2 of us. We have started a course at our local church, and I am hoping that might start the communication channels working a bit better...

OP posts:
lulumama · 19/10/2006 14:08

glad to hear that you are starting something to help your communication......

if you don't want more children, fine...but if you are thinking you shouldn't or can't have more due to this..then it really needs resolving...

is there some guilt underlying this...does your DH feel he let you down and couldn't help you?

DetentionGrrrl · 19/10/2006 14:29

How about some trips down memory lane? As in 'do you remember that time we place rude act here ?' Maybe reminding him of the fun rudeness that came before babies would help. And talking- lots of talking!!!

Greensleeves · 19/10/2006 14:33

Is there any way he could get some counselling to talk about how the birth affected him? I don't know whether any of the birth trauma organisations could help, it might be worth a try. I had a gruesome grisly birth with my first, my dh saw me almost bleed to death, screaming in agony etc - and saw ds1 being resuscitated etc. He could barely speak, it took all of us a long time to feel normal again. We found ourselves talking about it over and over again, which worried me at the time, but now I think it was essential, it kept us in touch with one another's feelings and kept us close until our "normal" relationship returned.

Sorry you had a bad time with the birth.

Original poster
Fiona365 · 19/10/2006 15:33

We have had couples counselling, but he couldn't even start talking about it there, or explain it.

Greensleeves - how long did it take you to get over it?

OP posts:
lulumama · 19/10/2006 16:32

fiona - sadly, until he can tackle this...he's going to be 'stuck' in that bad place...well done for trying the counselling...do you think he might open up a bit more seeing a counsellor on his own...? esp if he is scared of broaching the topic?

Greensleeves · 19/10/2006 16:37

I've had another baby since, Fiona, and the second birth was much better (although I still had a PPH, shoulder dystocia and stitches). I think it really took me until very recently to get over it, when I found MN and was able to really discuss it in depth with other women who didn't get bored of hearing it over and over again. It was the talking and being listened to that really made all the difference. If I'm honest I still have very occasional off days where I think about ds1's birth and feel angry or sad or just a bit tense. I probably ought to have counselling at some point, I should have done it sooner. Which is why I say, if you and your dh can possibly have some counselling, either together or separately, I would strongly urge you to do so. You don't want bad memories getting in the way of your future.

Greensleeves · 19/10/2006 16:41

I understand about your dh not feeling able to open up in front of a counsellor though. Lots of people find that incredibly difficult. If he really can't yet then I would just be really gentle and try not to put any pressure on him, but just encourage him to talk to you about his experience of it all, talk to him about how it all felt for you, and hope he feels he can reciprocate. I think if he feels he's failing you and that he "ought" to be dealing with it all more easily, he will be more likely to close down emotionally, I think.

Good luck with it, I know it's hard.

Original poster
Fiona365 · 19/10/2006 16:48

thanks for al your support

I'll try a softly, softly approach and see how it goes

OP posts:
mumbleslikeazombiechum · 20/10/2006 10:12

bump for you

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