heart broken losing dd....

[fishandchipsforone]

two sides of a story for me...

I am 70 years old.
dd is 47.
for many decades dd has suffered absolute depressions.
threats of suicide, unable to function on a daily basis.
I never knew if I would find her alive or dead when I would try to see if she was okay...she lived literally "round the corner" from me.
she turned her back on the whole family, finally it was my turn to be cast aside.
she would have gp's prescriptions but would ask me to hold them in case she took them all.
it has been 35 years of fear, loss, sadness, and heartbreak.
2 years ago, she totally refused any contact with me at all.

now, here is the other side of my happiness...if it can be called that.

dd, as I said is 47 now.
an much older man...who she has known for about 7 years....seems to have control of her life.
they are not in a relationship, but more like mentor and sort of "learner"
dd goes to his church, from what I understand a tarot/healer type.
this older man has directly told her blood relatives that she doesn't want to see them again, as they are "bad people"

but...dd seems happy now, depressions gone, surrounded by healers etc.
I should be happy for her, yet after the sorrow and devastation I suffered over the decades, I feel lost and alone.
I am selfish, but should be happy for her

I don't see selfishness in your reaction. She may appear to be at peace but I'd also be concerned if some pseudo-religious snake-oil pedlar is pulling her strings & insulting the family that have actively loved her for 47 years. How dare he condemn you as bad people? Who does he think he is?

I understand how you are feeling. For years you have been her go to person for support and now your place is being taken by a stranger. This comes to most parents in time but usually at a younger age, when they find a partner for themselves. Are you sure that the man is telling her to ignore her family or projecting what you believe must be happening or why would she do that?

I suggest you arrange to meet her, to say treat her to a meal or a coffee if easier and tell her how much you love her and that its great she has a new friend in her life. Emphasise that you will always be there for her as always and that you miss her. Suggest perhaps that you have a weekly meet up to touch base. Usually criticism of a new friend can lead to them being protective of them, make them assume you don't trust their judgment etc so steer clear of doing that. Hopefully she'll see him for what he is eventually and you will be there to hand hold for her again. Just be thankful that you have had a close relationship for so long - for many parents that closeness ends when their child is in their 20s but usually evolves into a different type of relationship. That is what happening now - accept the new style of relationship and maybe look for something new to occupy yourself too such as a group or class.

It's not selfish. It's heartbreaking, and I'm really sorry for you. I was estranged for a while from my parents (at a younger age - also partly related to mental health probs), I know they felt confused and very isolated.

You can be happy for her but sad for yourself, those feelings can coexist.

There are a few support groups that you might find helpful, standalone particularly.
standalone.org.uk/about/

And keeping some contact, any contact, is of course important - if/when she seperates from her church/this man then your tenacity and support will matter. But look after yourself too, as a priority!

agree with what HereIAm20 says about casual coffees if possible and avoiding any implication of criticism, if you can muster the emotional strength.

thank you for your replies.
hereiam20 yes, sadly this is actual truth.this man met her aunt and cousin, told them directly that "she doesn't want to see her family again"dd apparently sat quietly as he said this.

(it was odd, because the actual week before this happened, we had lunch together, and brought each other a small gift, and said happily, see you next week. she even sent an email saying what a lovely day we had together, then the bombshell dropped)

it is not possible to see/speak or contact her in anyway...she simply refuses contact.
I have sent xmas/birthday cards,texts/emails but she doesn't respond at all.
I have never met this man, but he told her aunt that I "hit him" maybe his way to isolate dd from me.
on the one hand if she has found "peace" I am happy for her, but just feel that she is isolated totally from her family, and can't see that as being emotionally healthy.
dd has no children, simply this older man, who as I have understood has controlled her life for so long.
in the past, dd "mentioned" him, as a "friend" never even using his name.
even when she moved house, I offered to help, being a mum, but she said her friend would do it.
I even feel a little resentful, that for so many decades I suffered emotionally and physically directly as a result of her view of life, yet now am left with an empty shell where my love for her used to be.

apart from that I have a calm and peaceful life.

just, I have loved her so much, it is painful, not even to be able to hear her voice.

It's heartbreaking reading your story.
I hope she sees for what this new group is and stands up for herself.

The cynic in me wonders what this man is getting out of the relationship (even if it's not romantic, it's a relationship). Does she own property? Have money? Unfortunately, unless she was classed as a vulnerable adult in need of protection and unless it could be proved that this man poses some kind of risk, there's probably not a lot you can do now except try to maintain contact, keep sending the birthday cards and occasional text and hope the peace she's found eventually includes her family again.

I remember dd saying...in passing a few years ago...that her friend uses crystals and spells, and other spiritual things..

it seems that this has been ongoing right in the middle of my life, and I never saw the signs, now it is too late....

one by one, her family have been discarded, dd even told me 3 years ago, that friend had said her brother one year younger, "should have helped her" when dd was a property developer, even though he worked full time and had family commitments of his own.
thus, dd went nc with her lovely brother, not a bad bone in his body, but under the influence of this person, hasn't spoken to her brother for years'

my sadness is that this week is dd's birthday, and I feel like I am grieving, although she is alive somewhere.

I guess, things happen in life, and I am no more protected than anyone else against pain.

Yes, don't give up your contact.

It lets her know your door is always open and I can tell from your post you aren't the sort of person to send condemning messages, so yes just keep them light as in everything's good here, glad you are so much better now and I'm here if you want a chat . Love mum

Good luck.

dowser, I wish I could....
as I said, there is never a response to any form of contact.

the last email I received 2 years ago, said she didn't want to talk/see me ever again, she was in a state because her cat had died, and totally "flipped".
she isn't on social media sites.
her income is full time tarot reading, so why can't she see my pain.

maybe, just maybe she is really happy in her life now.

Do you think this friend is gaining something materially out of property developer DD? Crystals, spells and isolating the victim from the family sounds like one hell of a con trick

Full time tarot reading probably less lucrative than property development.... . As for seeing your pain, she sounds like she's into full-time delusional psychosis, encouraged by Mystic Norman, and has opted out of reality completely.

well, cogito, this friend rents a small ..."squalid" mid terrace, and dd rents the single spare room from him.
not quite sure how old he is maybe even mid 70's.

as far as I can see, friend isn't a wealthy man, but dd has a healthy bank balance, due to me buying her a house when she was just 21, and it has gone from there.
but I don't think, even with the way things are, that he is after her money, but has got someone there for him at his beck and call.
on the other hand it must suit dd, or the arrangement wouldn't have lasted so long.
sadly, dd has had "issues" from the day she hit 13, and it has carried on ever since.
I just wish that one day I will hear her voice again.

Dear f&c, you sound so nice. Life is unfair. But life must go on...I understand how your love for her and her presence at the corner must have warmed your heart. A mum heart is very vulnerable when one of her child is sick and mental sickness is the worst of them all. I have a few questions. Answer if you want and forgive me if you find them rude.
1- Did she suffer from depression only or do you suspect other mental problems that were undetected (eating disorders? OCD? Narcissism etc etc )
2- If she has a house of her own why is she renting a room from this man?
Is she letting out the house you bought for her?
3- did she have to stop working as a property development (PD) a while ago because of some work related problems?
4- Is she working as a Tarot reader only now?
5- where is her dad? is he still alive? how does he react to all her problems/
It looks as if this man is after her- for her monies and of course also to have a company that he can control. It looks as if he was quite upset when the PD work stopped bringing her any income or might have even Anyway I am trying to make sense of his attitude but of course that does not help you. What might help you is trying to find some sense in your daughter's behavior. You say that since she was 13 she had problems. Maybe these problems prevented her from growing up emotionally. She might be just like a little 13 years old daughter and for her this old man is like a kind of old dad. You did not speak about her dad. So maybe she has some unresolved issue with him. Again all this is a pure speculation.

I think that the best you can do is what the ladies suggested in the posts above: keep contact with her even if she does not respond.
Does she ever leave her room? Is she still living close to you? Maybe you can arrange to meet her when she is out at the surgery or at shopping and smile to her and hand to her some flowers some nice greeting cards.

Another thing: do you think you can go to her and ask her to read your tarots? I think I might have tried to play as if I am interested in these things (Tarot and silly stuff like that) without being judgmental in her presence, so as to have a sneak/peek in her inner world. I would have tried to go to his church and know his 'congregation'. I would have tried to bring her to read my tarots without bringing up her behavior and slowly rebuild contact with her.
It is important that you know what are the principles that guide her now. You might then be able to find a way to bring her closer to you. Of course the question would then be: how much this would have cost you? the old man might suggest her to charge you a fortune, especially as this would have taken place in his den, to meet her in his church/house.
Anyway I think I would have behaved with her as if she was a little 13 years old girl. But then again it might be difficult with this bitter venom-daddy around. So it is tough. Try to be around her despite her and continue to love her. Close hugs on my heart dear....keep strong and focus on your son and his dear family and try to sneak to this old dirty man's 'church' to hear her... Good Luck. Oh this dear life! (Do you like reading books? If yes do you read Alice Munroe? the emotional and 'irrational' atmosphere of your story reminds me of her short stories...)

Sorry for the strange post- you had to scroll a while before hitting upon it. I had some technical problems. So here is the text of my post:

Dear f&c, you sound so nice. Life is unfair. But life must go on...I understand how your love for her and her presence at the corner must have warmed your heart. A mum heart is very vulnerable when one of her child is sick and mental sickness is the worst of them all. I have a few questions. Answer if you want and forgive me if you find them rude.
1- Did she suffer from depression only or do you suspect other mental problems that were undetected (eating disorders? OCD? Narcissism etc etc )
2- If she has a house of her own why is she renting a room from this man?
Is she letting out the house you bought for her?
3- did she have to stop working as a property development (PD) a while ago because of some work related problems?
4- Is she working as a Tarot reader only now?
5- where is her dad? is he still alive? how does he react to all her problems/
It looks as if this man is after her- for her monies and of course also to have a company that he can control. It looks as if he was quite upset when the PD work stopped bringing her any income or might have even Anyway I am trying to make sense of his attitude but of course that does not help you. What might help you is trying to find some sense in your daughter's behavior. You say that since she was 13 she had problems. Maybe these problems prevented her from growing up emotionally. She might be just like a little 13 years old daughter and for her this old man is like a kind of old dad. You did not speak about her dad. So maybe she has some unresolved issue with him. Again all this is a pure speculation.

I think that the best you can do is what the ladies suggested in the posts above: keep contact with her even if she does not respond.
Does she ever leave her room? Is she still living close to you? Maybe you can arrange to meet her when she is out at the surgery or at shopping and smile to her and hand to her some flowers some nice greeting cards.

Another thing: do you think you can go to her and ask her to read your tarots? I think I might have tried to play as if I am interested in these things (Tarot and silly stuff like that) without being judgmental in her presence, so as to have a sneak/peek in her inner world. I would have tried to go to his church and know his 'congregation'. I would have tried to bring her to read my tarots without bringing up her behavior and slowly rebuild contact with her.
It is important that you know what are the principles that guide her now. You might then be able to find a way to bring her closer to you. Of course the question would then be: how much this would have cost you? the old man might suggest her to charge you a fortune, especially as this would have taken place in his den, to meet her in his church/house.
Anyway I think I would have behaved with her as if she was a little 13 years old girl. But then again it might be difficult with this bitter venom-daddy around. So it is tough. Try to be around her despite her and continue to love her. Close hugs on my heart dear....keep strong and focus on your son and his dear family and try to sneak to this old dirty man's 'church' to hear her... Good Luck. Oh this dear life! (Do you like reading books? If yes do you read Alice Munroe? the emotional and 'irrational' atmosphere of your story reminds me of her short stories...)

@MaMaof04

Sorry for the strange post- you had to scroll a while before hitting upon it. I had some technical problems. So here is the text of my post:

We\ve removed the massive gap
Thanks

You have two (huge) issues here: you are grieving for the lost relationship with your daughter, and you are worried sick about this awful man.

If it helps at all I am in a similar position. The pain is out of this world. Younger people (sorry younger people) assume that as we get older our love for our kids somehow diminishes - but it stays exactly the same as when they were little. We've just learned to let them lead their own lives.

You have had years of agony worrying about her fragile mental state; now this. My heart goes out to you.

thank you again.

dd definitely didn't have ocd, ...quite the reverse...no eating disorders..just didn't seem to fit in anywhere.

she was always quite small and felt intimidated by the world.
she did numerous courses but never stuck at them, nor qualified.
was always afraid of her own shadow.-she was like my shadow-

her dad, well he was never around, was simply disinterested. still is to this day, he lives abroad, went off with someone the same age as dd.

so I can see why/how this friend became the substitute father.
she moved to another county far away, where this friend lives.
dd lives in squalor as she rents her house out.

but, it is so sad that one day we spent together, enjoying our relationship, then literally the next day, when the cat died, I received the verbally aggressive and abuse email she never wanted to see/speak to me again.(2 years ago)
today is her birthday, I feel so sad.
but I will imagine her smiling face, and wish her a lovely day.

this has happened many times in the past.
dd will go nc with me, then perhaps 6 months/1 year/3 years she will be as nothing happened.

Hello? Yoo-hoo!

There are others out here who are going through something similar. Perhaps you could meet with others who are facing the same pain. It certainly helps me to meet with people who know what it's like (as most people judge, assuming it must be something we have done).

Perhaps put a card in a shop window and set up a support group. NOthing like meeting others who know what it's like.