Problems with a friendship

[Deliciousmuffins]

I'm troubled over this. A very long friendship - 35 years, met each other at work. We live some distance from each other so it's not a case of popping round. Anyway, over the years I've felt my friend - who was my 'best' friend for many years - has become extremely self-centred. She's made some major decisions with her personal life that I supported her with at the time but now I think she made a mistake and was very selfish. All in all, I feel differently. I tried to cool things last year by not keeping in touch as much - we used to talk at least once a week by phone, sometimes more. She realised what was going on and confronted me (by phone) on it, asking why. Under great pressure and insistence from her, I mentioned a few things she had done that I felt were 'wrong' and she went ballistic- became verbally abusive, sarcastic and said hurtful stuff back. We've sort of made up- we both said sorry- but it still isn't like before. Our lives are totally different to when we first met and in some ways we have nothing in common except our history. I don't know how to handle it because when we do meet - which is not often- her topics of conversation are so alien now to my life, I can listen of course but there is no common ground any more. I'm actually shocked that I feel like this because she was a very dear friend and I feel guilty that I don't feel quite the same any more. Any suggestions?

That is tricky but you really need to think of why you feel guilty? You were honest with her and her reaction sounded quite OTT.

I am tempted to think that the friendship may drift but it sounds like through all the changes that is happening in her life, she may think of you has her "rock". Whether you want that or not, is up to you.

You could still meet-up if you want, but if she is more keen, tell her she is welcome to travel to you . Or, if you want to keep things going and just see what happens, you could arrange things that don't require too much conversation...theatre, etc.

I guess it is all down to boundries. Would you cope if things ended badly and you were no longer in contact? Or, just relieved.

Most of us have been through this with friends. 35-years is a long time, but it sounds like you do not want to waste another 35-years?

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I am one of a handful of close friends she has so I don't think she'd be mortified if she didn't see me, because she also has a busy social life. I am aware that I may regret ending the friendship- or at least letting it drift to the point where it's clear I am not invested in it as I used to be. She has rejected a couple of long standing friends over the years but no one has done it to her and I think she'd be hurt. We don't meet often anyway- every few months- but last time her conversation bored me to tears as it was all so trivial yet she was making a huge mountain out of a first world problem.

From what you have written it sounds like you want to keep things on her terms?

I have to ask, does she really have this "busy social life"? As a happier person may have enquired why you were not in contact more, but been mortified if they had put a foot wrong. She just comes accross as defensive.

Did she really reject these friends?

I guess, I would think ironically she is thinking more of this than you.

It does sound as if you are not getting anything out of this.