If you're low/ no contact with parents, do you have wobbles over it and how do you deal with them?

[Lottapianos]

My parents are narcs. I've never been allowed to have my own feelings, they're not terribly interested in my life as an adult and have difficulty with the fact that I'm not a little girl any more. I find them stifling and suffocating and they make me very angry. I've been in therapy for the past 6 years and over that time, I have become a very different person, all for the better. I am developing healthy boundaries and getting much better at standing up for myself and valuing myself. Over this time, I have massively reduced contact with my parents - I see them about once a year (they live overseas), never phone or email them and have text contact a couple of times a month. They virtually never visit us. They know nothing about me being in therapy so have no idea (probably) why I'm not in touch with them very often. Overall, I am calmer and happier for them not being in my life very much and I've made a lot of progress in grieving for the relationship I thought we had, and letting go of the hope that things will magically get better.

And yet..... because I'm so well trained, the guilt rears its very ugly head at times. I find myself feeling sorry for them, wondering whether they think I have abandoned them. In some ways, I guess I have. I've had to, for my own sanity.

I'm just interested in how other people feel about similar situations in their own lives and how you manage the waves of guilt, if you have them. Thanks

We are no contact with dhs parents and I often feel sad about it even though I agreed with dh and his reasons for us and our dc dropping seeing them. I feel sad for them, his extended family. for us and for our kids. But deep down I know that I feel sad for what I would like the relationship to be and not for what it would actually be. Reality is, it would massively impact us and our kids lives in a negative way of we did start to see them again. It's taken me a long time to be able to start to detach myself from thinking about it daily. This year, I've started to simply say 'stop, think about something else now' to myself each time they creep into my mind. I think if there's no hope of reconciliation then you just have to try and move on and not let it affect you but it's taken me years to be able to begin to do that. We're only 27 days into the year but already I feel sooooo much better for doing it. Not sure this helps you kick but didn't want to not reply, hope you're ok.

'But deep down I know that I feel sad for what I would like the relationship to be and not for what it would actually be'

Yes I feel the same OneDay. For example, I find Christmas terribly hard because I think how lovely it would be if I had 'normal' parents who I could look forward to visiting. But then I remind myself that I just don't, and that's the way things are. I have a wonderful DP and I get to spend the day with him and so I'm very lucky. And I don't really give a stuff about Christmas anyway!

We have a triple whammy really because his parents are also extremely hard work, although we are in contact with them, and we don't have any children, so I feel that we don't really have any positive experiences of family at all. I get very jealous of other people sometimes. Its getting easier but it does feel like we've missed out on a big source of potential happiness.

You haven't excluded your parents, by the sound of it. You've done what I did in my early twenties which is to create some physical distance and take advantage of the space to forge your own life and identity. I don't know how old you are now but I found that by the time I was mid-thirties, I could deal with difficult people much more effectively - parents included. Once I was confident that I could maintain the upper hand I resumed a closer relationship although the physical distance remains.

I'm 35 Cogito and yes, it's definitely getting easier to stand firm in the face of other people's crap! I'm not sure I can ever become closer to them because they are so engulfing, but I can feel the anger subsiding very slowly, so I may not feel the need to be so rigid about keeping them at arm's length forever.

That's where I got to (and it's my DM more than my DF that I have the problem with.) We are never going to be relaxed, live and let live, share all your secrets, buddies in the way some mums and daughters manage to achieve unfortunately, but we eventually found a level of connection that worked. She's now got a rather worrying form of dementia which has taken all her worst personality traits and magnified them ... ... and ironically I rather miss the old version. :)

Thanks Cog. That sounds really tough

It is tough. But I think all parent/child relationships evolve over the years - even the dysfunctional ones. We start as total dependents which is one type of relationship and gradually it turns a full 180 degrees until the parents are dependent on the children and it's a very different dynamic. In between it's a good old Freudian power-struggle!

My 'stifling and suffocating' parent, I realise from my vantage point of 50yo, may have made me completely furious in my teens and twenties but has also contributed to a lot of my positive qualities. In my work if there is a tough negotiation up against really difficult scary types, guess who they send in to disarm everyone? :) I'm also fervently independent - a reaction to the suffocation, no doubt.

It's also why I'm interested in human nature. Analysis creates emotional distance and emotional distance keeps me in control.... Nothing's ever wasted.

That's a very interesting perspective Cog. I haven't thought much about the positive outcomes of having a parent like we have. I'm a very good listener and very interested in other people's stories, and I've noticed how many other people are dreadful listeners and not remotely interested in anything past the end of their noses. So I'm glad that my experiences have made me more empathetic. I also have a good sense for when someone is being fake, or saying one thing but meaning something else. So you're right, there are positives, despite the heartache.

When the guilt pops up I remind myself that

• I didn't make this decision freely and without foundation (I'm totally NC), it was the least-worst option available to me.
• I feel bad because, unlike them, I am aware of how I treat others.
• That guilt isn't MY voice, it's them internalised in my head. And then I tell it to shut up.

It doesn't happen much now I'm totally NC. It tended to be triggered by contact which, in my experience, undoes some of the good work you do the rest of the time.

Yes, I have been no contact with my Dad (who brought me up alone) for a year now. He is also a narc, and his behaviour towards me became increasingly worse in adulthood as he could not stand that I put my partner and children before him and attempted to put some much needed distance between us.

Last Christmas we travelled back to the UK and had a disastrous stay with him. Ugh, awful. When I returned here, he sent a nasty letter detailing all my faults and saying he "used to be proud of me, but he wasn't any more". I have been absolutely no contact since then.

It has been hard. At first I was terrified that he would try to make contact and was in a constantly anxious state. Gradually I calmed down, and with the help of some therapy I now feel much better. My head knows it's the right thing, but he still haunts my dreams, sometimes often. I often feel guilty and question whether I am the bad one and if I am making it up. He has been very ill over the past 4 years including bladder cancer and pancreatic cancer - and had major surgery for both. He's been expected to die so many times, but he's still going strong, the old bastard. Only 5% of people survive pancreatic cancer for any length of time, and it had to be him. In many ways I just want him to die, because then I will feel like I can finally relax. Maybe the dreams will stop. That sounds awful, but there you go.

So yes, I have wobbles. He sent a Christmas card and birthday card recently, so I think he's trying to reach out. But even though I may feel guilty, I actually can't face ever having contact with him again. It's too stressful and I am left feeling destroyed every time.

That guilt isn't MY voice, it's them internalised in my head. And then I tell it to shut up.
That's a brilliant perspective on it, I'm going to remember that.
I grew up with an englufing narc mother but like Bifflepant's parent I think it was, she couldn't cope once I moved away, got married and had kids. Couldn't deal with not being the centre of everything and so set her sights of trying to turn me against DH and making herself more and more dependant on me...like a kind of "choose him or me".
Luckily in one way NC was precipitated by a large falling out and she basically ignores me. I expect she's said to people "Goodtobetter is dead to me".
When I wobble a bit (was I too hard, too hasty?) I remember how it feels to have her in my life and compare it to that blue sky feeling of lightness that my NC life is in comparison. And it's a world apart. I have to remember that when I feel guilt, it is HER voice, not mine and the way I've been trained. Also that what I'm pining for is just a dream, we can't have the relationship I want so it's better just not to have her in my life.
It's hard though. Sending you strength.
xx

Glad if it helped. I got that from counselling - it taught me to sort out whose thoughts I'm really having.

None of this is easy, but it does get better.

Yes yes about the guilt - its my parents voices I hear, not mine. And there's no denying that I'm calmer, more contented and I just like myself more without them around. I can't face no contact right now but very low contact is working well. The guilt has gone from being so painful that I honestly thought it might kill me, to being manageable, like the volume had been turned down. Thank you all - it helps to know that other people have been through the same and are doing ok