Don't know what to do

[Nomorewords]

DH is working a lot, and working away from a home a lot more than he used to.

I have anxiety and depression already and I am struggling to cope with him being away more. My depression and anxiety is down to a number of factors- abusive parents, bereavement, job loss and sexual assault. I collapsed a few years ago and have been struggling to get back on my feet ever since. I was on anti-depressants before, managed to come off them but I think I need to go back on them now, I have a doctor's appointment on Monday.

My husband has been promoted a couple of times since we first met and he is now has a much bigger role. He travels more and he is also struggling with some of the politics in the organisation as there has been a lot of change recently. I want to be able to support him more, but he just won't talk to me about what is going on, or be specific about what he needs to cope better.

He expects just to be able to say at short notice that he is working late/going in early/going to be away overnight every week for the next few weeks and I'll be able to take it in my stride. I would like to be able to, but am I getting really anxious staying on my own just now as we are in a new city recently having moved for his job and I don't have any friends here yet. He just expects me to be able to take up the emotional slack of sudden changes of plan, and I would like to but it's about to send me back over the edge into depression again.

We are fighting a lot and its not getting any better. I want to be able to support him more but I am struggling to cope myself just now. Everytime I fell like I am getting better and start to make progress, there is some new work demand for him and he has to spend less time at home/go away more and I feel like I am back to square one.

I would like to be able to retrain and go back to work to relieve some of the practical pressure on him. As soon as I try to talk about doing something, taking a course, volunteering or even just to talk about a future option, the next day there is some reason he has to be away more or that he has to do less. So I feel that he is subtly discouraging me from doing that. I don't feel like I can rely on him- everytime I try to do something new, the boundaries change and my relationship with him becomes harder and my daily life becomes harder.

Every day I feel less confidant and less able to cope and I don't know how to break the cycle.

I think you have to prioritise your health first and foremost. Talk to the doctor, tell them the problem and let them diagnose and treat accordingly. Your DH doesn't need your support really. He's chosen to do a stressful job with a lot of travelling... he could make a different choice if he was really struggling.

Why would you be unable to go on a course or go back to work just because he's away more?

I am sorry no one has replied and you are going through a tough time. I think reading your post though you may have to be prepared for some ladies on here to suggest he could be having an affair. Have you noticed any other changes eg his appearance, phone with a lock etc and being precious with it. Have you any rl life support when he is away eg close friends you can talk with. It sounds you don't get to spend much time together and he is not showing your depression or feelings much respect.

Thank you IthoughtIsaw

Think you hit the nail on the head- I don't feel respected.

I don't really have anyone I am close to in real life. My mum died a few years ago and I lost the person I could turn to for talk and advice about anything. My best friend back home just lost their mum suddenly and I don't think they are in any place to listen to someone else. I don't have any friends here yet. I'm thinking about finding a counsellor once the antidepressants have started working a bit, I'm a bit too anxious just now to start a new relationship without some support.

I really don't think he is having an affair. He has a phone of his own and a work phone and regularly lets me use one or the other for google maps, internet etc as he has smartphones. I know the passwords to both phones and he isn't guarded with either of them.

To be honest, I think we are both struggling with different things at the same time and both missing the support we normally give one another, practical and emotional.

Hi. So sorry to hear about your mum. My heart goes out to you. I would recommend to see your gp as soon as you can. It does take a while for these things to happen with the nhs.
It sounds a possibilty of life just getting in the way. Can you try and book an evening out at all say a comedy evening that could set you both on a good path. I understand how you are feeling as i have alot of on going health issues but i have had to train myself to take an interest in him too rather than blurt out about how shit i feel everyday i can say this has helped but its not completely dismissing the problems. he opened up alot and things are getting easier. Are there things you enjoy. It could be you do a course in something you enjoy before retraining to go back to work then you will feel you have also acheived something other than helping with finances xx

Thank you IthoughtIsaw that is good advice. Sorry to hear about your health troubles.

We do need some time outside the house that will clear our heads. And I need to feel a sense of pride/achievement in something I do, that isn't just about necessity.

I try to ask him about how he is doing, but he tends to bottle things up too, so when he is struggling, asking him how he is is the worst thing I can do! As he just asks me back what is going on then it gets into my difficulties too and then we are both in a mess. When I am feeling better I try to distract us both, but I'm struggling to do that now. Maybe just a case of try to focus on the small positives for a bit.

Thank you, you've given me some real things to think about.

Thats ok.take each day as it comes and focus on what is important for you and your family everything else can fall around that. Be kind to yourself too on your bad days its easy to beat ourselves up because we cant do whatever but i think being content is almost more important than being happy on those bad days.

That's lovely IthoughtIsaw. Focused on what was important for DH and me and phoned him at work to say how much I was struggling today.

He came home for a bit, we had a cuddle and good chat (I had a cry). We have worked out that he needs to spend a bit longer at work each day but we also need to spend a bit more time with one another. So we are going to get up an hour earlier every morning so we can eat breakfast together and have a chat/look at the headlines online together or something, rather than just both dash past one another in a flurry of coats and boots and lunchboxes and bags, shouting things about what we need to do at night.

Then he can go into work half an hour early to get a good start to the day. If he gets ahead by doing that during the week he will come home early on a Thursday or a Friday too.

I told him that I need a bit of moral support getting my confidence back so that I can retrain. He said he hadn't realised that, probably because he has so much confidence that he doesn't realise I don't always have that much faith in myself.

We'll need to go to bed a bit earlier but we are both pretty zonked by 9.30pm anyway. We will need to get up a bit earlier at weekends too, but that's good as we can get stuff done before everything gets too mobbed.

Thank you so much IthoughtIsaw. I really needed someone friendly to just help me see what was important. Thank you . You really saw me through a shaky bit back there. Take care.

OP, I couldn't tell from your posts whether you had children or not. Is it just you and your husband in your house?

Really pleased i could help. I don't read the board everyday because it drowns my battery but thought i would log on today. i am pleased that you were able to talk through some things and i hope things start looking up. X

You were my angel today IthoughtIsaw2angelsaheadofme x