can he do this?

[dontcallnotdating]

I have been separated from my ex for nearly two years. I have custody of the kids. For the first year, ex lived at his mum's, then in a shared house. Now he lives on his own and has the dc two nights a week and a couple of hours mid week. He has never taken the dc on holiday and I do 95% of holiday care, as I'm a teacher with holidays at home.

He is now saying he wants 50/50 custody. We already have a separation agreement drawn up legally, which says I have main custody and he agreed to this. We have stuck to this for nearly two years. I work part time, school hours, with holidays off and he is away from Tuesday to Friday morning every two weeks with work. He works full time. I am really upset. I'd never stop him seeing them, but I don't see how 50/50 would work here and I feel as if he just doesn't want to pay maintenance.

When I asked him how he'd manage half the school holidays, he claimed his 75 year old dm would do it!!

My parents had the exact same discussion over us... When wicked stepmother got involved. My mum agreed to the lot; 3 days a week, every weekend, every birthday, every Christmas, every holiday. It lasted 2 weeks before reality set in, as my mum knew otherwise she'd have fought tooth & nail xx

He wants it formally through the solicitor. I won't agree to that.

How do you get on with him usually?

But why should his grandmother have the right to mind the children when you are free and want to do it?

Stick to your guns - he can't possibly do 50:50 and he knows it.

Perhaps he wants the legal recognition that he is still a 'team' parent i.e. Equal shares so the concept of joint custody is more about him having recognition for equality as a parent.

Am I making any sense?

In reality, it's not going to be possible and he's daft to try and pull his 75 year old Mum into the equation in order to try make this work.

Is having this 'recognition' of being an equal parent behind this? Or does he genuinely feel that he can pay you less and use his mum for childcare?

I sometimes get on ok with him, but he's up and down - so I try to avoid him as much as possible, unless it's about the dc. He's sworn at me in my house before, so I try to distance myself. I think he's still angry about the split, which I instigated, because of his gambling. I think he's still probably struggling financially.

I think perhaps he's doing this as a way to upset me. He flares up every so often. A few months ago he was talking about moving to the other side of the country! He also refuses to commit to set days at the weekend, so sometimes it's Friday, sometimes Saturday. I've let him drop maintenance by 200 below what he should be paying, thinking he was struggling - but I only work part time and he's causing so much stress.

It does sound as though this is all about the money as he wouldn't have to pay any maintenance if he claims 50/50 and gets XMIL to have the DC.

Tell him to take you to court. If it's all about the money, he may back down when his solicitor tell shim it will cost him £XXXX and there's little chance of success.

Just tell him you don't agree and leave the ball in his court.

The thing is, xmil could not physically cope for half the holidays. Stbxh could not afford to take me to court either, but he's saying he won't sign divorce papers unless I do what he asks, which obviously I won't.

At 5 years a divorce can be finalized whether other party signs/agrees,or not.

Go and see a solicitor and discover exactly what he can and can't do, and then you won't have to worry about his half-baked threats any more. I doubt anyone would award him 50:50 when he's not actually able to do his half, but is delegating it to an elderly woman - but you need to be sure of this, so go and check.

And then, if you can afford it, take him to court and get it all formalised.