Is this not on? Or am I being ridiculous?

[thehumanstain]

I live abroad and about 6 months ago hooked up with a guy here on a night out and subsequently went on several dates with him and hooked up a few more times. At the time he made some huge vocal gestures about staying in the country for me etc but had to leave a month after we met as his contract was up. He then returned to the UK (where we are both from) but continued to message/skype me (he initiated) saying he missed me and wished we could have made a go of things and wanted to see me again.

Fast forward to now - I am due to go home in a month or so and we have made plans to see each other but I have always had a little niggle that he had something else going on when he was seeing me (he hasn't got the best rep) - so I decided to ask him straight and he admitted to having slept with another woman a few days after I had been back to his apartment before he left to go home.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong as we weren't together. I'm confused about how I feel but definitely feel deceived, or as if I have been lied to through omission. I wouldn't have continued contact with him if I had known. Unfortunately I have become quite attached to him (or attached to the fantasy!) otherwise I know the solution would be to sack him off. Do I need to be brutal with myself and cut contact or am I blowing this out of proportion?

My friends here are all lovely but I feel I may need someone to be harsh with me and tell me to get a grip and get rid.

Many thanks!

You have to be true to yourself. Doesn't matter what he thinks or what friends think or what the mass collective of MN think..... if his admission makes you feel like you've been deceived then that's probably how it's always going to make you feel. If you're also aware of a bad rep, then I'd have thought that would make it difficult to trust him. LDRs can acquire a fantasy quality making it difficult to exercise good judgement. Maybe chalk it up as a holiday romance and move on?

I don't think he's done anything "wrong" as such, as you don't sound like you were in a proper relationship.. but, I wouldn't want anything to do with him after finding out.

1. Because he kept it from you.
2. If he genuinely felt the same for you then he wouldn't have slept with someone else, he would have been pursuing you.

Find someone better x

Well he told you honestly when you asked him so hopefully he's not a liar or a cheat even if he is a player.

Out of interest, what is the difference between 'hooking up' and going on a date? (Im obviously old)

If you are keen I suggest telling him straight that you would like to be with him in the context of an exclusive relationship rather than so casual and see what he says. It will determine whether he sees you as a fun time friend or girlfriend.

Good luck.

In this context I think 'hooked up' = 'shagged'

I think technically, he didn't do anything wrong. Regardless though, your suspicions were raised. Is that because he was being dishonest by omission? He was being sneaky and your gut instinct knew it. If he was certain there was nothing wrong in what he was doing, wouldn't he have been more upfront at the time?

I don't think the issue is that he slept with someone before you were in a committed relationship, but more that you have already learned to be suspicious of him because of his behaviour. And your gut is telling you it's not right.

For that, get rid! You'll never trust him. Do it now before you are in too deep.

I personally, wouldn't be able to respect a man who could shag around and then act as though they missed me and wanted to be with me

Oh seriously, why would he tell you? That is not a lie by omission. Surely if you are just casually seeing someone, you don't tell them who else you are casually seeing do you? I think get a grip and date him. No need to get rid. But be clear with him about whether you two are now in a relationship, and exclusive, or not.

I don't think he did anything wrong, or was sneaky. If I wasn't exclusively dating someone I wouldn't tell them when I slept with someone else, unless there would be health implications (i.e I'd had unprotected sex). I'm not a liar or sneaky, I just think most people don't want to know? I wouldn't want to know.
You already sound a bit insecure about it all, though, so maybe bin it off regardless.

It's not a courtroom. In a relationship, it's not about rights and wrongs but good and bad feelings. If this person's behaviour, personality or attitude is making you feel bad OP - rationally or irrationally - then you're under no obligation to them. If you wanted something to take forward into the future, however, it's don't ask a straight question if you're not prepared for an answer you don't like. :)

otherwise I know the solution would be to sack him off

The solution is still to sack him off.

I don't think he's done anything wrong, but you obviously hold different values to each other or are at least at different stages of your life.

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate it. Yes hooking up = shagging, in this case.

I am 100% with cog - no place for being rational: when it comes to the heart, follow your gut