Boyfriend and DD

[InTrepidNation]

Hi everyone,

I am 33 and my DD has just turned 4. I split from her dad when she was 1. I did a bit of dating when she was a toddler, but nothing serious and I never got to the point where I introduced her to anyone.

I met my boyfriend about 10 months ago and we have been dating for about 8 months. I love him and we are very serious about each other.

So far in our relationship, we spend our time together when my DD is with her dad two nights a week. They are the only nights we spend together. Other than that, we often meet up during the day and a few months ago, he started coming round most nights after DD has gone to bed and he goes home when we are tired. I never let him stay when she is at home as she gets up really early and always comes straight into my room.

I'm always very conscious of doing the right thing and not just bringing them together to make my relationship easier.

But, I do feel like my boyfriend and I are committed and in it for the long term, we've discussed things. He was more than ready to meet her, so for the last few weeks we have "bumped into each other" a few times at a park or at a cafe. This week we are going to all go to the farm together.

I want to take it slowly.

I am wondering though how to build it up. I'm not going to lie, I would really like it if he could come round for tea and stay over occasionally. I wouldn't et him become a permanent fixture as I don't think that is fair on DD but eventually, when they really know each other, we like to think we will move in, maybe next year.

What do you say to a four year old?

In a few months time, how do I explain to her that my friend will be sleeping in my bed?

I wouldn't overthink it, if I were you. A 4yo's world is very much as you present it. They are not clued up to the nuances of adult relationships by and large. They know who you and Daddy are, they know family members, teachers, neighbours etc and they know that you have various friends of all genders. They don't really understand the difference between a 'friend' and 'a lover'... not on their radar. If you want your boyfriend to be a more frequent visitor then tell her he'll be staying for tea or staying overnight or whatever. See how they get on with each other. The main thing to avoid is any idea that this is a 'new Daddy' or the horrendous 'Uncle' tag

Sorry I've got no experience of this, I just wanted to say how lovely you soundand caring of your dd, hope it all works out for you, sounds like she will be very happy

Really Cog? I am a bit of an over thinker in general but there seems to be so much advice about not introducing children until you're sure it's a long term thing and not letting them get too attached etc.

I understand why that is, but I also think how can you be sure? I feel sure, I feel in love and like it will last. But then I felt that with her dad.

Your approach seems much easier then mine though! I like it!

And thanks so much MotherOIT, that's really nice of you say x

You can't be sure of anything. You have to proceed with caution but you can't dictate how attached anyone gets to anyone else... young or old. Some DCs are totally bereft when they move up a year and lose a beloved teacher. Others go without a backward glance.

The other side of it is that she might not like the guy. If you get so far down the track of sinking all your hopes into him, introduce them and it's clear they rub each other up the wrong way... what then?

I've always taken the view that DS has friends, I have friends, some friends are more special than others and DS is more special than all of them put together.... :) Don't have a permanent partner.

When DD gets to know him a bit more and looks forward to seeing him, that sounds like a good time. You are being very mature about this, so it looks like whenever you decide is fine.

I think that you are overthinking it. You love him and have been together 8 months. If it is going to last you need to trust him and let him share in your whole life, including therefore spending time with your daughter. You are right to be cautious initially imo but taking sensible, well thought out risks is part of a happy life. Good luck