how to relax, new relationship

[Celestria]

this is going to sound so silly but im hoping someone might identify with me anyways.

im four weeks into a new relationship. my bf is someome ive known for thirteen years but hes been abroad for eight of those.

my problem is that hes so different from my past relationships. I had a terrible childhood and subsequently picked men that were bad news.

my new bf is a sweetheart. I dont think he is even capable of raising his voice, hes such a softie. very attentive and selfless.

and I feel like a fish out of water. I actually get very emotional when he is being so attentive and keep putting my guard up because I feel vulnerable with him.

hes really understanding, knows ive been through a hell of a lot. i just wish I could relax and not be so guarded. is it a time thing? my last relationship was very emotionally abusive and I lost my self esteem.

Hi OP. No great words of advice I'm afraid, as I'm in a similar situation myself (albeit almost 6 months into the relationship).

In my case, I have concluded that it's a trust thing. Basically, I keep waiting for the inevitable 'catch' because he's just too good to be true. I realise this speaks volumes about my self esteem (subconsciously feeling that I don't deserve a decent man).

I'm sure some wiser MNers will be along soon with some good advice

It's good to hear you have made it out of your abusive relationships. Only time will heal you from your horrible experiences. Carry on working on yourself and enjoy having someone around who cares about you. It will take time but eventually you will let your guard down. I think it is good to have some guards up in the very early days anyway. Good luck

Just take it slow and have fun. A bit of guardedness at the start is fine (in fact it's healthy).

As you build trust you will naturally relax.

Enjoy it and go with the flow. Love is full of risks and I don't believe it is right or fair to project things into this new man due to your past mistakes.

If this persisted I would assume you weren't ready to be in this relationship at all.

Good luck with it all.

The best way to relax in a relationship is to have personal confidence. IME anxiety within a relationship is usually a result of insecurity, and that can often be because of low self-esteem or bad experiences. If at any level you don't think you are worthy of love and affection, if you think it's only matter of time before you are abandoned or the nice guy turns out to be a big fake, you will find it difficult to accept to the point of being suspicious or even hostile

What does 'get very emotional' look like? Upset? Angry? Head-fuckery? Be aware that, however nice someone is and however understanding, you should not take it for granted that they are going to stick around until you have resolved your personal problems. That wouldn't be fair.

'It's never too late to be what you might have been' .... so be the person you want to be.

I can get tearful when he is being so affectionate. it just happens. then I feel silly.

I do know its a self esteem thing. the last relationship saw to that. definitely the too good to be true thing too. yet I have known him a long time and I know he is lovely.

Then work on your self-esteem. Leaving your new boyfriend out of the picture for a second, what do you do that makes you feel good about yourself? Are you sociable? Successful? Interesting? What makes you feel worthwhile? What are your goals in life? .... that kind of thing

Honesty over is the only thing that's helped me, along with a very understanding partner who is very willing to express why he loves me so that I could begin to see myself as he does.

You can't change feelings and attitudes quickly, it takes longer to undo the damage than it did for the damage to occur in the first place.

cognito, working on my self esteem is a good idea. I'm not successful in a career sense but I think I am successful in other ways. I'm a lot less sociable than I used to be as I removed a lot of people from my life that weren't good for me.

I'd feel better about myself if i was working, I was up until November but finding it hard to find something that fits the hours I can work.

I struggled a lot last night as his mother really dislikes me and had said some horrible things to him about me. thankfully he knows they aren't true but it really knocked me hearing such nasty things. I started my defensive thing of wanting to be on my own again to protect myself. We sorted it though.

Can anyone recommend some books that might be helpful? I know really I could do with more counselling but I just can't afford it.