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Relationships

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Original poster

Contact with the Ex for the Children

18 replies

Sunnyside88 · 25/01/2015 19:03

Is it right that my ex can refuse to give me their mobile number, therefore only to communicate via email and this can only happen in case of an emergency, birthdays, holidays and Christmas arrangements? Recently I have sent an email and have had no reply, any ideas on what I can do?

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 25/01/2015 19:57

I believe it is their right, yes. As you are now their ex,really the only htings you need to have regular contact about is about the children.

Can I ask what you were emailing them about? (in general terms)

Original poster

Sunnyside88 · 25/01/2015 20:05

Hi, thanks for your response. The correspondence is purely about the children, we have both moved on and his life has no baring on me.

OP posts:

NumTumDeDum · 25/01/2015 20:05

No there are no hard and fast rules but if he us having the children for contact you must have his number for emergencies and you must know where they are staying unless there is a very good reason why not, such as an injunction or similar.

Original poster

Sunnyside88 · 25/01/2015 20:10

Hi, we had a very straight forward divorce but as of the past year things started to change, ie mobile number changing and not letting me know, only wanting to correspond through email and having to meet at a mutual place to drop/pick up our children. I did highlight the fact that I should have his number for emergencies but this got ignored.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 25/01/2015 20:19

I'm thinking his email is on his mobile so as soon as he gets an email he can see it as quickly as a text message.

If you think about an emergency and how likely they are to happen then I think you are worrying unnecessarily tbh.

He has decided that he wants no further contact with you and that's his right. Also he does not have to respond to emails about the children that he does not feel are worth discussing or are relevant to him.

Original poster

Sunnyside88 · 25/01/2015 20:23

Thanks, I thought it would be quite important to discuss our childrens welfare, I am obviously being very naive.

How do I discuss parents evening, events, organise collect and drop off? Its ok you saying that he doesn't have to, but it doesn't help for a straight forward and easy life for our children.

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AcrossthePond55 · 25/01/2015 20:57

As far as school events and evenings, he can find out these things for himself, you don't have to tell him. Collecting and drop off scheduling can be done via email.

I can see where it would be preferable to be able to contact him by phone when the children are with him, but he apparently doesn't want that. Is one of the children old enough to have a cheap phone to take with them to his house so he or she can call you if there is an emergency?

You aren't being naive, and I'm not pointing a finger at either you or him, but it appears that there must have been some problems in the past with phone calls between the two of you.

Original poster

Sunnyside88 · 25/01/2015 21:05

No, there has never been a problem at all. All correspondence have been purely about the children and not on a regular basis. Unfortunately the children are not old enough to have a mobile as yet. Please do not think that I want regular contact with him for my own reasons, this is purely for our children and each correspondence is discussing the children. Its ok saying the school will pass messages on, but they don't, parents evening for example you have to book a time in, so of course we need to discuss if these times are suitable for us both. I just want what is best for our children, nothing more!

OP posts:

Starlightbright1 · 25/01/2015 21:09

To be honest I would not want my child to go anywhere with someone I had no contact with...How often is he having contact? Why isn't he picking up the kids.

How old are the children do they know their own number...My DS has learnt ours he is 7.

The parents evening stuff. If he doesn't want to discuss it leave it... I remember asking my ex who used to read new scientist as a hobby to look into the safety of the swine flu jab.. 3 times...He didn't bother in the end I had to make the decision myself...

What do you think has happened to change things?

Original poster

Sunnyside88 · 25/01/2015 21:23

Firstly I do trust him with our children, he has them 3 nights a week. In the main we pick and drop off at school to help normality for the children. It was mid last year when it was decided to meet on mutual territory. I don't know if it has changed since he has moved his partner in, or he wouldn't discuss him having the children more nights each week. Who knows. Yes, our eldest has memorized my number.

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AcrossthePond55 · 25/01/2015 22:42

Do you think his new partner is at the bottom of this? Is she the 'jealous type'? I do believe you, but I can't imagine why he feels that way since you say there has never been any bad blood between you. I do think it's just odd that he won't allow any phone calls at all.

If the school fails to pass information on to both of you that's really his problem, isn't it? Same for parent's evenings. If he can't be contacted by phone & you are pressed for time, just book what works for you & email him. He can either show up or book his own. BFF always had a separate meeting than her ex, but that's because he was an arse & turned the meeting into a bitch session to the teacher against her. In your case, if he won't make himself readily & easily available to you, it's his problem, not yours.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/01/2015 22:49

I have to say, I think the thing that would bother me the most would be if the children weren't allowed to call me if they wanted to from their dad's to say goodnight or tell me about the school day. And vice versa! It would also bother me that the children couldn't call their dad when they wanted to.

Isetan · 26/01/2015 08:44

Set up a protocol for how, when, and why you communicate (Google Parallel Parenting). If there is an emergency involving your children when you are the parent in charge, any delays in him getting your message are on him, likewise for non emergency contact.

In an ideal world you would be besties but you aren't, your children will adapt to the new landscape but may pick-up on your dissatisfaction with the set-up and that could be an issue.

You can't make him be more amenable, so don't waste your time trying.

OllyBJolly · 26/01/2015 08:54

He should give you contact details; he doesn't have to.

He just might not want involved in parents' night, activities etc. His loss.

And you can't possibly blame the new partner if there is one -this is his child, he's the parent. If he doesn't want to be that involved in their lives then that responsibility is squarely on his shoulders.

Quitelikely · 26/01/2015 09:04

You can tell him whats arranged etc by email. If he doesn't want to respond or deem it necessary to respond then he can do so.

From what you have said he is stepping up to the plate with regards to seeing his children and being a parent so to save yourself any further anguish just accept he doesn't want contact with you. This is not an uncommon arrangement.

wallypops · 26/01/2015 09:35

There is an app called 2 houses. I used it with my arsewipe of an ex quite successfully.

intlmanofmystery · 26/01/2015 16:01

My exW does the same - refuses to answer calls or texts (unless she wants something) and sticks almost exclusively to email. There are times when it can take a week to get a reply which is hugely frustrating but not much I can do about it. However she knows my number and if the kids want to talk to her/text her when they are with me then it is absolutely fine as I want them to be happy! However if she doesn't want to communicate that way then she won't. I also book separate meetings with school teachers etc.

Some interesting suggestions on this thread but just sounds like your exH wants to keep his distance (for some reason). As long as you feel that he will contact you if there is an emergency or A&E visit then you may just have to live with it.

Original poster

Sunnyside88 · 26/01/2015 18:20

Thank you all, its much appreciated

OP posts:

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