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Original poster

What to discuss/agree prior to cohabiting ...

28 replies

Mum4Fergus · 25/01/2015 17:06

Just that really...

OP posts:
Nomama · 25/01/2015 17:14

We just lept straight in, rented, and worked it out as we went.

Then again, we broke all the 'rules', mixed finances and all that 'wrong' stuff.

But we would both have been happy to just walk away if it had not worked out. We hadn't over invested in it - we moved in together, rather than co-habited, iyswim.

I am not sure how you could go about rules and regulations prior to moving in.. maybe who pays what share of the bills. But that is where we went wrong... we just pooled our money and made it last. A hideous mistake, apparently.

One that 30 years on we haven't yet regretted Smile

I am sure you'll work it out your own way, you are bound to get lots of ideas here...

Just remember, it is supposed to be fun, reassuring, a good thing. If it isn't pack up and move on!

Joysmum · 25/01/2015 17:15

Top of the list, money!

What happens if either of you lost your job of there was a huge disparity in wages.

Housework, how are you going to work out fair hours spent by each of you.

What if you need space or need more attention? Be sure you don't get into the habit of 'hints' and can say what you want.

Joysmum · 25/01/2015 17:17

we just pooled our money and made it last. A hideous mistake, apparently

That's us too, we both had equal claim to disable income from the start, despite me out earning Dh by quite a considerable amount.

expatinscotland · 25/01/2015 17:17

MONEY AND HOUSEWORK!

Any habits such as those who need to snooze for an hour or two before getting up.

Hygiene and washing - I am always amazed by people who live with people who don't wash their hands after using the loo, only shower sporadically, etc.

mousmous · 25/01/2015 17:24

yep

  1. money - who pays what and when. and what happens when/if there is less income than usual. what about larger buys?
  2. housework - who does what and when. is it fair?
  3. posessions - if you buy something jointly, who takes what should you split
Nomama · 25/01/2015 17:25

expat - did you have a conversation prior to cohabiting with anyone?

Not trying to be nosy, just wondering if anyone actually does or if some just wish they had, when/if it all goes horribly wrong.

KouignAmann · 25/01/2015 17:59

We discussed attitude to money, how to split bills, how to parent teenage and young adult DC and how much financial support we each give them. Also supporting elderly parents, managing clutter and tidiness, sharing housework and DIY etc and how we spend leisure time.

The we chucked everything into the pot and bought a huge rambling house together and so far so good! But if I had had serious concerns about any of the issues above I wouldn't have proceeded.

indecisiveithink · 25/01/2015 18:40

Get a cleaner.

kentishgirl · 26/01/2015 11:56

Definitely money and housework!

Fell foul of those in the past and made sure we discussed it beforehand this time round. It's so easy to assume that someone you love and think you are compatible with will obviously think the same way as you on important matter. Nope. I got a couple of shocks. I suppose they did too.

Also if relevant
Religion - any hopes of the other person giving up/taking up/changing
Marriage - on the cards or not
Children - yes or no, when, how many, SAHM or not, ideas on raising

kentishgirl · 26/01/2015 11:58

Oh yes, and any 'expected' change in lifestyle.

ie he spends 5 hours a day on X box - does he expect this to continue, does she expect this to stop - it's too easy to assume both ways. Or she spends the whole of Saturday and 2 nights a week with her parents - does she expect this to continue, does he expect this to stop.

Original poster
Mum4Fergus · 26/01/2015 12:16

This is all really useful...thank you all Smile any more from anyone?

OP posts:
mameulah · 26/01/2015 12:20

If you are moving in and one or both of you is expecting marriage as part of the future commitment?

If only one of you is then you can't move in together.

Remember, men marry women who insist upon it.

Chunderella · 26/01/2015 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mum4Fergus · 26/01/2015 12:46

Yes, one DS (mine), mortgage in my sole name only too ...

OP posts:
Meerka · 26/01/2015 12:48

could consider having a shared pot for household bills each of you pay into.

If one of you earns mroe than the other, shoudl they pay more in? or should it be equal no matter the income?

Who does what in the housework stakes (and can you be sure that he/she will really do what they promise, nothing worse than someone who promises to pull their weight and doesn't after the first month).

up to a point, you need to be within roughly the same range on things like going out. If one of you hates going out and the other wants to go out 4 nights a week, it could be a problem (specially if kids come along). It might be fine, but it's worth checking.

DrSethHazlittMD · 26/01/2015 13:04

How long is a piece of string...

I think some questions are more or less relevant depending on the ages of the people involved, whether you are renting or buying or one of you is moving into a house the other already owns.

Some aspects like the aforementioned personal hygiene issues should already have revealed themselves while dating, staying over, going on holiday.

For me, the two that really do matter are money and housework.

Oh, and if you're moving into a place that has an en suite and a family bathroom, there should be discussion on who uses which if one of you has to get up earlier than the other to cause minimal disruption Wink

bigbluestars · 26/01/2015 13:12

Pooling money works for us. We have been doing that for 18 years.

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 13:13

mortgage in my sole name only too ...

Does this mean you're both thinking of him moving in to your current home? I think that puts a very different spin on things.

Remember, men marry women who insist upon it.

I'm not even sure what this means.

Granville72 · 26/01/2015 13:17

Are you moving in to his house / him in to yours or getting a property jointly?

Maybe draw up a Cohabitation Agreement if you're worried about what might happen if you split up and he starts to claim he has rights because he's been paying half your mortgage.

Separate finances, joint account for household bills only. Discuss and agree finances (put it in writing if necessary) before you move in together. Discuss and agree household chores - all of them.

Joysmum · 26/01/2015 13:20

Get a cleaner

All that does is hide each other's attitudes towards housework and each other's roles so not a healthy start to finding out about each other in my opinion.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2015 13:31

I'm going to suggest that, whatever you discuss prior to co-habiting, you set up a system to review it on a regular basis. However well-intentioned and well-planned, things have a habit of changing over time and there will be stuff that crops up that you either don't anticipate or doesn't work out as well as you thought. So you need a method for airing problems before they become a source of resentment.

If there are any big assets or money transactions involved (and you mention a house to which I assume he'll be contributing) make sure your ownership is unambiguous and unassailable.

Gem124 · 26/01/2015 20:01

My grandparents always told us that the most important things in a marriage are money and sex! You have to share both and only with each other. Worked out pretty well for their 16 grandkids xx

Hmmm2014 · 27/01/2015 10:34

As you have a child already, then you need to discuss his role in bringing up your child. How old is your DS? Is your DP already involved? It's very different visiting and playing with someone else's child, to living with and being involved in parenting that child. I have been through this with my DCs and my previous partner's DCs, and it was the most difficult thing I have ever done - and ultimately the relationship failed (not solely because of that but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a factor). Vital that you both understand, and are happy with the extent of your DP's role, and that you are realistic with what can actually happen - will he look after your DS by himself? How do you feel about him disciplining your child? How will he be with a teenaged child? Does he have any experience of children? Bear in mind that this will also change as your DS grows up - do you communicate effectively about topics that could be emotive and tricky?

Do you want more children together? Another issue to discuss.

Agree also about finances - esp since you are a package with a DS. And housework - what are your expectations, what are his? My ex was OCD about tidiness and with 4 kids, his expectations were unrealistic and a source of constant tension in our house.

OhMrGove · 27/01/2015 19:08

Bloody hell. We just got a cleaner and moved in.

NoWireCoathangers · 22/02/2015 09:57

Money is an important issue. We divvied up the costs, he covers council tax, phone, broadband and mobiles. Mine covered the utilities, gas, electric, water and insurances (house and car)

We were in a fortunate situation that there is no mortgage or rent to pay (playing the property market in the boom years cleared me of any debt back in 2009)

It's worked out fine for us, we have a joint account for the entertainment, and we've got joint and individual savings we put into each month.

I'm sure everyone is slightly different, but open communication is key to making the move in together. Don't hide debt, credit cards etc, it will only come back and bite you in the butt.