Deep breath....

[VulvaVoom]

Afraid to post but my mind is whirring, so I feel I have to, to get some advice, a slap or some clarity.

Not sure about my marriage anymore and it's not DH fault at all. He's lovely, he does 50/50 if not more with housework and is a great Dad.

However, over time some things have become really wearing and I expect they sound so incredibly trivial but here goes.

DIY always turns into a disaster, I can't tell you how many times things have gone wrong or been ruined. Last night he painted a skirting board and managed to rip of the whole bottom of a freshly wallpapered wall with masking tape. If I get cross about it, he'll say he shouldn't have bothered etc, so I dont anymore but it's worn me down so much.

We don't have much sex, my problem, I'm overweight and have depression but I tried to make myself examine it all last night and I think I don't fancy him like I perhaps used to. Which is mad as he's really quite good looking and looks after himself.

I'm afraid that Im becoming a worn down old hag. He can get quite bitter about things and angry when things go wrong and I just can't listen any more.

There isn't an option to split up, I just can't see that outcome. My mind is fucked today so apologies if this reads weirdly. I also haven't included it all but you get the jist.

I now wonder if part of my depression and overeating has been about denial of these feelings. I have no one I can confide in in rl. I would so appreciate some support and advice. TIA

In my experience, how we feel about others is HUGELY affected by how we feel about ourselves. HUGELY.

Plus, helping yourself (tackling your depression, getting to a weight you like more, etc) will only bring good things into your life.

I'd start with you. What would you like to be by the end of this year? Make a list and plan how you can get there.

And some people just aren't very good at DIY. He's one of them! (I'm another.) He gets defensive about it because he knows he's rubbish but wants to be good!

Thanks What's. Are you saying that my depression could be clouding my judgement? That's kind of what I fear but also hope as DH doesn't deserve this. He actually deserves much better than me.

I think that is a great post from WhatsGoingOn.

I think you are feeling crap and helpless so everything he does that annoys you is magnified through the 'everything is shit' filter you have on.

Is it possible to concentrate on making yourself a bit happier? However you do that it helps.

When I was depressed it seemed like my DH was a miserable sod. Now I am happy I realise I was part of creating an atmosphere where there was no lightness, no laughing, no looking forward or enjoying the moment.

I get out if the house when I can. I do little things to cheer myself up if I'm bored or feeling at all down. I do yoga, I read a lot, walk the dog, meet up with friends. It's changed our home life.

Is he a man child around the house and therefore you fancy him less?

To resolve that, take those jobs away from him and give him more that he can do that doesn't irritate you. And how can you get more me time? To relax, exercise, read etc? Can he be that good dad nd take the kids out so you can get a breather to get back to your old self again?
X

Also write more, I would like to read it x I have a day at home today x

Thanks Pag and Something. I will write more, just need to collect my thoughts.

Take your time. It's so difficult to analyse how we feel isn't it.

One thing - maybe try and think of times when you feel happiest at the moment. That can sometimes be a clue.

Without being too nosy, are you having treatment for your depression?
Is it helping?
The point at which I realised I had to do something was when my lovely GP asked me what I was looking forward to and I couldn't think of one solitary thing.

-- you have no obligation to write more btw.
Go away and think about it but it's your thread

I'm on meds Pag but not sure they're working that well anymore. Been on them over a year. Have had counselling in the past through work. Wondering if I should try to access. more. I don't look forward to anything either

Depression really can cloud your judgement. If your meds are not working ask your doctor to change them.

Also can I ask if your eating became a problem whilst taking them? I know mine did! I just didn't have an off switch regarding food and eating made me feel all lovely! Crazy but true.

You say about your sex life, well the meds do reduce sex drive in the majority of people and affect the ability to orgasm.

I'm not trying to persuade you to come off them btw but just highlighting that they can have side effects that can outweigh there original purpose, although that would depend on how depressed you were prior to taking them.

I would also be really annoyed if my dh ripped of the wallpaper with the tape. Don't do that anymore! Use u sheet of A4 paper against the wall so the paint goes onto that rather than wallpaper.

I totally get how you are feeling, don't give up, get up. Start doing things that will give you a little boost. A little walk, each day maybe. Explain to your dh that you are aware you haven't been great to be around but you are going to take steps to change that.

Sometimes it can be sooo hard to take responsibility for ourselves, a magic wand would be nice but not realistic.

Think about what you are going to do about meds for a start........

I think you're right that a lot of the dissatisfaction here is do with your perspective. I would go back to your doctor and request another round of counselling and/or to review your medication.

I too swear by enriching your life - living healthier, trying new things, meeting new people etc. When you're really down in the depression you can't face these kinds of things, so it becomes a vicious circle. It sounds to me as though you're ready though.

Quite, now you mention it yes, I've definitely put on weight on my meds. I was overweight anyway but this is the biggest I've been. I'm thinking of coming off or changing ADS after this 3 months worth. Thank you all so much. I was honestly going to tell DH I wanted to separate last night, so glad I didnt, thanks for the virtual hand holding and for unravelling my mind tangle.

I'm thinking of coming off or changing ADS after this 3 months worth.

Do not do this without your doctor's guidance!

For me, the first symptom of depression is always overeating, the first step in recovery is always a return to sensible eating, the second is regular exercise.

Now I recognise the pattern I focus on gradually moving myself towards the same steps that always take me back up out of the dark.

What are your steps?

I guess my steps are the same Run but I'm finding not overeating so bloody hard at the moment. You're so right though.

I also think that not everyone is good at DIY. Men in general are expected to be good at DIY, change the oil in cars etc. Is there a possibility that you could pay for someone to help with the DIY? That might take some of the pressure off both if you and also give you both time to do something you both enjoy.