Preparing to tell husband I want to separate.

[Picnicineden]

I posted on here before Christmas because I was coming to realise the extent to which I am in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and the support I was given on here helped me gain the mental strength to know I have to take the initiative to separate.
I've told my parents and a couple of people in real life.
I've been clearing my browser history.
I've seen the Citizen's Advice Bureau and have a free half hour with a family lawyer on Monday morning.
I've been referred to a domestic abuse charity but not been able to speak to anyone fully yet.
I've hidden mine and the children's passports under lock and key, and keep the key with me.
Is there anything else I should be doing.
I was thinking of telling my husband next week I want a separation. Has anyone any advice on timing, or telling children?
I know I'm going to do this now but it's the details which are confusing me...
Thanks for reading, and for any help. If I don't respond straight away it's because I can't but I am grateful.

I'm sorry that I have no advice for you but I wanted to say well done for all you have managed already

I didn't see your original thread so I don't know your story I'm afraid, but we recently told our children we were separating. We did it together, and told them we were unhappy, we made each other unhappy and we couldn't make each other happy. I didn't want to use 'we don't love each other' because I didn't feel comfortable introducing the idea of love ending (because our love for them won't'.
Despite DHs hideous behaviour, (emotionally abusive, paying for sex, betrayal) I have had to let it go for the sake of moving on, and this is really important - because everything from this point on is about putting the children first. We have been seeing a mediator, and if you can, I would recommend this path. She made me see how important it was to change my perspective and put them first in everything, despite my pain.

She also recommended a brilliant book called 'Parenting Apart' by Christina McGhee. It has become my bible and I can't recommend it enough, for holding your hand through the process.
Telling the kids was my greatest dread but it wasn't as bad as I feared. They knew, and they understood. (Aged from 7 - 13).
He's not gone yet, but he's on his way, and I feel so positive about the future. I think a lot of it is to do with having a positive perspective and focusing on the kids.
I wish you masses of luck with it.

Practically, make up a file of copies of salary slips, bank statements, mortgage statements, pensions, savings etc. do a really detailed list of outgoings, include everything. If he has a pension you will be entitled to a share of it. (And vice versa perhaps?) but it's helpful to have everything written down.
Check out entitledto for anything you can claim as a lone parent.
Remember to apply for single persons council tax benefit.
And if you work 16-30 hours a week you might get working tax credit. Those forms can take two weeks to come so worth ringing the, ASAP to get them so you have them ready to go.

Thank you, sewing, and thank you Goodbetterbest, your perspective is really helpful. There's no doubt my husband's been really abusive, but I'm thinking I have to put that aside like you have done, and concentrate on what is best for the children. If I am to extricate myself from this mess as amicably and civilly as possible so that there's a good chance of us being able to work together as co-parents then I will have to be restrained in what I say to him.
I really like how you told your children you were unhappy, but didn't say you'd stopped loving each other, I think that's good.
My dilemma is, part of the reason I need to end the marriage is to show my son I don't accept his father's behaviour as normal or acceptable..but by saying this I'll be criticising his father and I don't want to play the game of trying to turn him against his father or get him to take sides...
Thanks again for your advice, I wish you well.

I remember your post, the passports I think rang a bell. I think you want practical advice about the immediate hours that follow the announcement so here is mine.

The reference to passports leapt out, and if there is a concern he could take your children abroad then leaving them under lock and key at home is simply not enough. Get them out of the house (now or 24 hours before you tell) and with a trusted friend, who is unknown to him or won't ever hand them over if he suspect they have them.

Get a memory stick and save bank statements, and other financial assets and liabilities on to it and go back three years. If you can download from logins to both PDF and into something like Excel - it will save masses of time if you later have to work on the data for a financial settlement. Leave the originals behind then he wont know what you have or know of, and what you don't.

Keep a spare set of car keys with a friend, spare clothes, spare money, copy of address books, spare pay-as-you-go phone etc. Change passwords on any websites you use to access accounts.

Always think in your planning - What may go wrong? Walk through the physical and financial steps you want to take and always think those words. Then you will see gaps and will close them off, so that by the time you are ready it will be a well executed military operation.

For example, take a copy of the memory stick...they sometimes fail.

When a bank is advised of a split joint accounts are frozen. Your husband could phone the bank within minutes, the joint account could be frozen and his salary could be diverted the next day to an account in his name. You need the lifeline of enough money to last until you get straight.

You sound really sensible and considered.

With regard to teaching your child that his fathers behaviour Is unacceptable, remember you have a lifetime to teach your boy how to be a good person. His parents living apart will be enough to cope with for now. You can then let him take the lead, allow him to ask questions. If he knows you are there for him, he will feel comfortable enough to ask you what he needs to know. Baby steps. It's all baby steps and putting your child first.

This man will always be part of your life, for as long as your son wants him there.

This is just what I've done and I hope it might help you:

It's not in my nature to keep my gob shut, but I have and it's working. I defer to STBXH for his views on how the separation should proceed, and how much he thinks he should pay (I can do this because he hasn't got a clue so I'm kind of double-bluffing him). So far I have managed to show him how much our living expenses are and proved it with a budget so he hasn't argued. (Make sure you do not miss anything out). Always appear totally and utterly reasonable.

I haven't managed to keep my mouth shut in the same way when I've told his siblings the REAL reasons we are splitting.

I've been to see flats with him, and driven his move (because if I didn't it would take forever) I pack a box a day for him and hide them in the basement so the kids don't see. It all looks like business as usual from the outside. I don't discuss it with friends when the kids are around. It's all VERY considered. I hate it when he's around but I'm keeping busy and out of his way (means the ironing gets done and cupboards are getting sorted!)

Other things I've done is start exercising, stopped drinking (two glasses on a Friday when he isn't here and it's bliss), and begun to keep myself healthy. It's important to look after yourself.

It's taking a lot of inner strength to do this, but my point is, it doesn't have to be hideous. (Helps that he is a narcissistic, heartless fucker who doesn't give a shiney shite about me or know the meaning of remorse. )

Baby steps.

I agree with sexortaxrelief. I was posting stuff home and he was cycling past the post office on his bike. They step it up a notch if they suspect something is up so stay safe. No precaution is too dramatic. Good luck. Ask for help.