Husband wants out but wants to sell home

[LostOnLand]

I've been in therapy and it has prompted discussion of our relationship. I very much feel alone and unsupported, no major problems otherwise right now. I have terrible depression and have been very withdrawn. I can be hot tempered but actually I'm much more aware and in control if this - it's a big warning sign of bad depression for me and I only fully accepted I had depression after having my second child. I was very angry and depressed when I met my husband so he knew how bad I could be and I'm a lot calmer and more careful. I didn't want a relationship initially but he pushed hard and I caved. He said he had premonitions of us marrying and having kids after only a short time after meeting. He proposed after eight months too, although we waited to marry, well we married a little quicker due to an unplanned pregnancy. We had a tough time with his family and I've never forgiven them, for their reaction to the pregnancy, prior to that they were very supportive.

I saw my therapist yesterday and had a bit of a breakthrough. It boils down to people projecting on me by using my insecurities/low self worth. I have a history of being the black sheep/scapegoat. I know my husband doesn't like me, he acts like I'm an awful person so is perpetuating my self hatred. Some of his views I suspect come from his family, his sister who really doesn't know me but accuses me of being controlling when I'm not - she was very controlling and manipulative according to DH, whereas he'd never allow me to boss him around, partly his baggage from a previous relationship where he was bossed around and manipulated too.

I'm also suffering with chronic pain and mobility problems caused by my second pregnancy/birth. I had surgery a few months ago and haven't had the relief I'd hoped. I know he's fed up of picking up the slack with housework and childcare. He works full time so I do most of the childcare, I gave up work as nursery was too expensive. My eldest is in school so I am considering how to get back to work.

Our mortgage is low and we live in London so I think it's best for me to stay here with the kids and DH to look at a flat share to make it work financially. He wants to sell and buy two separate flats. I'm pretty sure he can't make me agree to sell, both names on mortgage, and the courts usually allow the main carer to stay in the family home. He disagrees. He's also not going to change his mind. I'm obviously devastated but have yet told anyone, I just want to know that I can at least stay. If he make me move I will have to move away, probably near family and away from school and DH, or can he stop me doing this?

You need legal advice. I don't think him getting cash and you equity is fair either.

If you stay there and he's in a tiny flat then how will it be big enough for him to have the kids staying over with him?

He might want 50:50 care of children - very common now among the children in my son's school. The dad continues to work full time but pays for childcare - no different to both parents w

Working full time.

No I mean let me stay until the kids are older and then we sell and spilt the money. I don't want money I just don't want to uproot the kids and have to move far away. I thought we could do it all in a friendly and cooperative way where we could still be close but I guess not. This is new, I thought we'd get through it, we been through much worse and he's admitted I'm easier now, that I've changed and am better. I've not eaten all day but I'm vomiting, I'm not doing well but am trying to keep some hope of stability for the kids. I don't really have much here.

I thought we could do it all in a friendly and cooperative way where we could still be close but I guess not.

How have you come to this conclusion

You don't seem to rule out moving away closer to family, new and starting again. So, if he has a good salary could he not mortgage the London flat up (in his name ofc) and then release that money to you to buy somewhere mortgage free or even with a small mortgage. You can get a lot for your money outside London and children move all the time and change schools.

If there is a lot of equity in the house I can't see how a fair judge could rule that you should stay and your DH should move to a bedist or flatshare. You would be incensed if somebody suggested you should move out of the family home into a flatshare or bedsit. If there is money in the house then you both deserve somewhere decent and suitable to live.

We can't do 50:50 if I can't afford to live nearby, I really really can't unless I move out to rent a tiny place or share with a friend without the kids and visit them here. DH would have to pay and sign contracts as I have no income. My impression is needing housing benefit would mean very little options of rentals leaving us homeless. I also doubt I can be paid off and he keep the flat, he doesn't earn enough for a £250k mortgage. There is also no childcare which fits with DH's work and commute and it would be awful to have him pay for strangers to do this when I am there - one is still at home full time and the other is at school and he wouldn't even be able to cook dinner for them. Our eldest is already anxious and I'm trying to get help for behaviour and waking in the night. I can see why divorce is so destructive to children, I thought we'd be able to keep things stable for them but perhaps not. I trusted him, this was forver and giving up work was not a risk. He made vows to God I never thought he'd break, but he has and my world is crumbling.

Lost your posts are full of I want, I need, I can't etc. Nothing about what you can do to improve or change things.
A good place to start is going back to work for your self esteem and becoming financially independent.
Your older daughter's anxiety show how the current situation is,projecting on to her.

I'm confused, because all your prior posts made it sound as if you are the person who wants/is instigating the separation because you do not love your DH anymore, but then you say that your DH has broken his vows?

Separation is hard. Divorce is worse. It tears you apart and makes you wonder if there is any point in continuing. Many of us have been through this and know how soul-destroying it is and how bleak things can seem.

But your posts are all about you, and why DH should continue working and live in student-style accommodation while you remain in the family home. If he was proposing to stay while you moved out into a bedsit, would you feel that was fair? Even if it was "just" while the DC were in full-time education - so maybe 15 years? Would you really do that?

As said by others - go back to work. For the money, the self-esteem, mixing with other people, pension contributions, ability to apply for a mortgage in your sole name etc.

Your posts sound as if you are feeling trapped and blame your DH for this. If that is the case, then do something positive to change the situation, rather than just coming up with plans that maintain the status quo for you while seriously disadvantaging him.

Can you afford to stay in the house if your husband left? How would you support yourself? Am i right in thinking that housing benefit would only cover the interest on a mortgage? Your husbands wage after seperation will no longer be family money, it will be his, minus maintenance of course. Its a bit shit because being a SAHM meant you lost your financial independence.

You said earlier that it would be a stretch for him to rent a 2 bed is that with him paying the mortgage aswell? Have you applied for benefits?

You must both be allowed to live somewhere suitable. It is preposterous to suggest he should live in a flatshare or bedsit whilst working full time. It's posts like this that make me thankful I'm not a man. How can you not see that this is totally selfish and unfair of you. You are not prepared to budge an inch. Sorry OP but you are totally out of order. Why not talk it over with a friend and see what they think.

I agree with PP You sound very angry that your H has decided to leave. Is digging your heels in over the house and forcing him into a flatshare a kind of revenge?

For you to stay where you are you expect your husband to continue to pay the mortgage, support you and the children financially and fund his own separate accommodation and living expenses?

It's neither fair nor sustainable in the long term, as a pp said you are expecting him to live like a student for approximately 15 years, what happens when either of meet someone else do you expect your husband to still pay the mortgage on the flat whist you move someone else in? How would any new relationship work for either of you if your ex has access to the children only in the house you are in?

Unfortunately divorce brings wholesale changes to the lives of all involved, you can't avoid that you have to manage it the best you can.

I think that selling up and buying two properties is the sensible solution here. He needs to have space for his children n his home.

But if you think a flat share is adequate for one parent, perhaps you could volunteer to be that one? And if you think that sounds an unacceptable exclusion from much of family life, without even a place you can call your own, then you have realised why it is going to be unacceptable for both parents.

One move into two properties where there is reasonable prospect of being able to staying is often the best for the DC, and probably the most sustainable (both in terms of longevity of the arrangement and cleanness of the break).

Lost, are you both absolutely certain that your relationship is dead? You describe a long and seriously awful period of time where you have both been under severe strain. You are clearly very unwell ( are you on medication and getting the best medical support as well as therapy?) and maybe it's not the right time to be making such huge decisions. As pp says, it's not really clear from what you say just who has instigated separation.

Have you had any couples therapy? You emerging from a session with a sudden revelation relating to many people around you all sounds a bit 'unsafe' and uncontained. It certainly sounds hard for your DH.

I wish you well. Just be sure it really is what you both want.

OP if you get divorced your assets will be split roughly 50:50 to give both you and your ex the chance to start over again. You staying in the house with the DC while he camps in a bedsit like a student and pays all the bills on the house he's no longer living in is a) not a fair settlement, and b) not something I can see any judge suggesting. The bottom line is that if you and your DH divorce you will both have to move if one of you cannot afford to buy out the other.

And I'm sorry, but you do sound very self-absorbed (which is typical of someone suffering, as you are, from severe depression so I'm not blaming you, just pointing that out). Your posts are all about what you want and what you believe is best, but do not take into account your DH's right to an equal share of the marital spoils when you divorce and a real life for himself, not the kind of living arrangement he had when he was 22 and fresh out of university. I suggest you go and see a solicitor immediately and get it from the horse's mouth, because currently you are simply thinking of what is going to work for you, but that's not going to be how things are going to be divided up.

I suggest you also do some serious thinking about how you are going to support yourself once the divorce is finalised.

Get. Legal. Advice!!!

You are operating on the basis on what you want not on the basis of what the law is likely to consider fair to both of you. If you do this you may then be able to negotiate with your husband from an informed position.

Your situation is of course unique to you which is why you need legal advice.

I have no view on what is fair in your case, but i would have found suggesting that i live in a shared flat, unable to have my kids over, only contact at the former marital home, presumably with you hanging about completely and utterly unacceptable.

How much equity will you get if you sell and how much is a two bed place close to your family?

It'd be a no brainer for me. Why stress your self out trying to afford to live in London. You have to reestablish your career anyway. Your DC will settle quickly. And will probably be a lot better off without the stress that you are all currently under.

If there is a lot of equity in your home, you may not get a Mesher Order. The judge may think it more appropriate that you sell up and buy two smaller properties with the profit from the sale.

See a solicitor - she will be able to advise you.

Good luck!

But so often MN steers women towards 'stay in the marital home', 'make him leave', 'your children have a right to stay in the family home'... If I have read that once on a Relationships thread, I have read it a dozen times.

I often think that advice must be given by people who live in areas of very reasonably-priced housing, or who have parents/family members close by to take in the departing spouse. Unfortunately in the South East and London, one family home rarely splits into two single-parent-with-room-to-accommodate-children homes. It just doesn't dice up that way any more...

OP, I would look seriously into the idea of a separation agreement and 'nesting' as an alternative.

OP, you are getting a rough deal on here, particularly as you are suffering from depression and in physical as well as mental and emotional pain.

I don't think it's 'entitled' of you to think about your own practical and financial wellbeing and that of your children after your husband has announced that he wants to leave you. It might be more in the script that you should sit on the floor and wail (and I'm sure you've done your fair share of this!), but there's also a sense in which you need to confront these issues. That's not easy when you're depressed, and I actually think you've shown guts to do it.

You are entitled to do the best for yourself that you can in this difficult situation - no-one here is in your shoes except you, and no-one has to live with the consequences of this except you. You should seek legal advice to work out what you're entitled to at the earliest opportunity and pursue whatever you think is a reasonable course of action given your position and the need to coparent with your partner.

For those saying 'move elsewhere' - this is going to make aforementioned coparenting a lot more difficult!

But so often MN steers women towards 'stay in the marital home', 'make him leave', 'your children have a right to stay in the family home'... If I have read that once on a Relationships thread, I have read it a dozen times.

I think that this is good advice in the early days of a man saying, "I've been having an affair for the last 6 months" and thinking they get to continue living in the family home with their meals cooked and laundry done.

(Hit send too soon)

...but in this case both partners seem to recognise that the relationship has run its course and it's in everyone's interests to split.