I was married for ten years but we married young and things didn't work out sadly. I met someone else and we left our marriages for each other.
There followed an amazing relationship - passionate, full of love and sexual attraction but it was also dysfunctional and absolute hell at times. After 18m of trying to make this thing work, we split and didn't speak for about 2m. The fallout from this relationship was enormous - it shattered both our families and it was just huge. Basically public arguments which got very heated and on one occasion actually ruined his aunts 60th birthday party. I was blamed entirely and there's no way his family would accept me 'back' easily.
Then we gradually got back in contact and much to my utter distress, He had already moved and had a new g/f. I know she's not The One and is basically a rebound and for that reason I decided that I was OK with contact, knowing he was in a casual relationship with someone else.
By this stage I'd received a MH diagnosis and appropriate medication for it which removed a lot of my reckless, erractic behaviour. I'd basically been suffering from this illness they think for the best part of ten years and a lot of choices and behaviours were partly the product of this. He was very understanding, but also struggled to get past certain things that happened.
There followed a month or so of increased contact, nights spent together, long, tearful conversations and discussions as to our future. I cannot stress enough how much I truly LOVE this man. In every way possible. The bond between us is exceptional - people don't have that often - and we both knew how it was. It's only ever been him since the day I met him.
BUT - not only did he have a new g/f but he is also tied up in her world in lots of ways which it's very difficult to extract himself from (can't say what for fear of outing). At the same time he was very honest in saying that although he loves me deeply he is simply not ready to be in a relationship with me yet. He needs a chance for a clear head to sort his life and business and get everything back on track. So we reached an agreement (after several tearful conversations) whereby we would end things for the moment, go NC and that he would be back in touch at some point in the future to see what the situation is then. I agreed through having no choice if I wanted him in my life - and this man was my best friend, my lover, my everything. I adore him. But I can't do it. I can't have him and yet by leaving it 'open' I can't get over him which leaves me in a horrible no mans land of emotions. I do understand his situation and thoughts but at the same time I think that if he loved me properly he wouldn't be able to walk away from me like this?? And it's not reasonable to seriously expect someone to be waiting for you until you're ready?? He says it isn't like that, but essentially that's exactly what he's saying "You can't have me now but you might be able to in the future". I agreed, but with misgivings and tonight I have ended it permanently. I can't live like that and in terms of my own self-respect I can't allow it.
It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I was going round in circles of: OK, I can handle this - no I can't - wtf does he think he's doing?! - I'm worth much more - but I love him and the relationship between us is amazing - ad infinitum.
So have I done the right thing? Or should I have left the door open? I would so genuinely appreciate wise advice from others - and someone to tell me that my heart will mend one day! Because this pain is almost literally unbearable.
(Sorry for the mammoth post)