advice please...marriage..pregnancy and in laws

[foreverconfused83]

This is my first post here..ive been married 2 years and together with husband for 3. We have had a rocky start to marriage with his.mother causing trouble. Hubby did take a stand and we.moved out. However his mother continues to have a hold on him. She controlled him all his life and doesnt like that he has shown some independence. She will use.emotional blackmail to manipulate him like saying she is ill and he always falls.for.it.
she hates me and we do not get on I have tried for 2 years to get along with her for hubbys sake but she cnt help have digs and loves arguments. She wont talk to any of my family and hates that her son talks to.them. I do get on woth FIL who divorced MIL years ago his advice is have nothing to.do.with her. However hubby cant /wont do that.

Basically we are now preg and hubby is.moody all the time as he feels caught in the middle. He doesnt accept when his mum is wrong and takes it out on me. We bought a new house together and he chose a location near my family yet now constantly throws this in my face as if I made him.move here.
He wants me to accept his.mother will never change and simply put up.with her constant shit. She has told him to leave me in the past etc she is very manipulative and vile.

Hubby has.mood swings and doesnt have the skill to communicate on this issue with me without arguing then he ignores me. Recently he always threatens to leave
Also hes nt working and if I tell him to get a job he gets moody.

Just need advice part of me wants to leave him but the other part loves him. I also have had low thoughts to end my.life or wish I die in childbirth...he knows this yet continues to be.moody and ignore me.

In all honesty in law stress is one of the worst strains a marriage can come under. If I was you I would do the following:

Do not criticise the mother to him

Go low/avoid contact with her as much as possible.

If you see her, keep it short and sweet. Listen, smile, nod that type of thing.

I know you don't like her but he does, she's not your cup of tea but she is his mother and think about how you view your own mother. Whatever you think he views his mother and values her just as much.

Don't give her your headspace, it will cause tension and rows. Pointless ones. She exists, he wants to see her and if he decides to stop seeing her, that needs to come from within himself.

Good luck.

Firstly, see your GP for support and advice for your intrusive thoughts, your currently unsupportive H could try and use them against you, if his current moddyness and ignoring you doesn't get you to back down.

This is who he is and right now his and his mothers feeling come before yours. Your focus now needs to be looking after your emotional health, as this will be of the most benefit to you and your baby.

I'm sorry your H chooses to behave the way he does but he is an adult and you are not responsible for his behaviour. This isn't a MIL problem it is and always will be a DH problem.

She sounds like a total control freak who must always be the centre of attention and throws a strop when she isn't. I am guessing that may have been one of the reasons your FIL divorced her.

Nor can she accept that her "little boy" is now a man and should be allowed to behave like one. It also sounds as though your husband himself could also do with taking that lesson on board, but he maybe goes for the quieter life rather than stand up to her and argue.

I think QuiteLikely and Isetan have both made good suggestions. Would some sort of couples counselling be helpful for you and your husband? He sounds so much under his mother's spell that he very likely hasn't even considered how it affects you. Either that or he simply has no idea how to cope with having ended up in the middle between you and his manipulative mother.

You have moved fairly quickly, it's far from a shotgun wedding, but still marriage after a year and a baby only a few years after - it's quite fast when you're in a relationship with problems and a husband who doesn't work.

I say this not to judge (I started TTC quite quickly myself!) but to say - it's OK to stop the ride if you made a mistake.

I'd forget the MIL.
First up, talk to your GP or midwife. Those thoughts are very upsetting and you need support
But your H is argumentative, non communicative, threatens to leave you, throws a joint house location back at you, and can't be arsed to get a job.
I'd say all that is enough to consider if you want to stay married, even if his mother was a peach!!
But please go and see your GP about your thoughts first. x

Thank you all for the advice... in relation to keeping it short but sweet with my mil that is what I usually do but my husband wants me to do more.

I have never thought of it as an issue with husband rather than mil... you have a point the last few arguments have been caused by him. The only similarity is that we only ever argue about her.

We are indian hence why we married so soon after meeting etc.

Husband wont do counselling as he refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions and is very much of the view that he is the victim.

I will think about talking to my midwife... when I used to live with the mil I was very depressed and was on anti depressants...again husband is aware of this and you are all right he is using that now as a weapon as I foolishly told him my biggest fear is him leaving me.

Husband wont do counselling as he refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions and is very much of the view that he is the victim.

It's endless hard work trying to have a relationship with someone who takes this position. He is not interested in changing. He is inconsiderate of your needs and feelings and incapable of protecting you from his mum, who sounds like a bully.

Do you feel loved?

You might find that the unwanted thoughts disappear very quickly if you leave him. It's good that FIL understands the situation a little. Can you confide in him and get support from him?

When his mum isnt involved things are great -she goes through phases of ignoring him for.months on end if she doesnt get her own way and on those times me and hubby are happy and I feel loved.

I cant confide in FIL as much as i would like..I always have the worry he will tell hubby tbh I dont trust any of his family enough. FIL has said in the past to let hubbu go back to his mum as he wouldn't last! As mentioned hubby keeps threatening this recently and done so again today... if he goes tomorrow I wont be stopping him I have no more energy to have the same argument over and over.

His sister is over today and despite my doing everything to make her welcome including cooking for her cleaning after her and staying up late to watch movies despite being tired due to preg hubby argued with me today saying I didnt make any effort!! I just cant seem to win

He is no victim. From your last couple of posts he sounds more and more like a selfish arse, rather like his mother.

If he wants to go running to mummy then let him. He clearly thinks (mistakenly) that he would be better off there and at least it would give you a much needed break from him. Maybe your FIL is right about it being the only way to get through to him??

Given what you have written about him I can not believe everything would be peachy if MIL wasn't a bitch. His mother might have done a number on him but that is no excuse for his bullying and lazy arse ways.

I know he's not mean and spiteful all the time, if he was, the slither of hope of the man he could be (that keeps you in the relationship) wouldn't exist.

If he's like this when your pregnant, god only knows what he'll be like when the baby arrives and your exhausted from lack of sleep.

The sooner you accept him for who he is the better, there is nothing worse than having your hopes continually crushed by the disrespectful and manipulative behaviour of the man you love.

Start arranging support now, hoping your H suddenly stops being a dick, is a huge gamble that's unlikely to pay off.

I just cant seem to win

You're not meant to. If you did everything your husband is complaining about now, it would be something else next time. The odds are always stacked against you with people like this. There is no winning, but you will exhaust yourself physically and emotionally trying. I know because I've been there. You seriously need to ask yourself whether this is the life you want for yourself and your baby. Growing up with this level if dysfunction will harm your baby as s/he grows up. Consider getting out now. The longer you leave it, the more it will wear you down and the harder it will become. If you are already having suicidal thoughts, it doesn't bode well. So often on MN we hear "if someone shows you who he is, listen". I thibk there is an adjunct to this: "if a situation is making you suicidally unhappy and seriously depressed, listen to what your subconscious is telling you (or screaming)." Time to re-evaluate your future. Time to get out.

Why do you say you only argue about MIL?
That's simply not true.
You've now described him being nasty about your "lack of effort" with SIL.

I don't doubt that your MIL is awful, but your biggest problem is your nasty husband.

In one way, that's good - would be harder to deal with a bad MIL if you had a great husband. But with a horrid husband, at least you can get rid of the pair of them.

Your biggest fear is NOT of losing him. It's of losing the marriage you hoped for. And, I'm sorry, it sounds like you don't have that.

Next time he threatens to go (or even before!) shrug, and say goodbye.

Go and see a solicitor. Understand all your options. Do you really want a lifetime of this?

Have you tried cuples counseling?

Your biggest fear is NOT of losing him. It's of losing the marriage you hoped for.

This is an excellent point. Try to remember that you can't singlehandedly will the marriage you wanted into being. The other person has to want the same thing and work with you to achieve it. No amount of effort and sacrifice on your part will help if you aren't on the same page.

Couples counselling in this instance would be a waste of time; he does not want to go anyway and sees himself wrongly too as a victim.

You need legal advice now re separation.

I am sorry but you are going to now have to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you got with this man. FIL was and is right; let your H (who is really a carbon copy of his own abusive mother) go back to his dysfunctional mother.

Your dh is a bully. Threatening to leave while you are pregnant is frankly unforgiveable. Tell him to go. On Monday, contact a solicitor. You do not have to tell dh. You should have a meeting to find out where you stand. It will make you feel stronger, so you can think to yourself, well if we split then I understand what will happen. Also, stop confiding in his family. tell your own friends and family and they will help you. you sound lovely op and deserve much better!

Thank you all...reading all your support alone has made me feel tons better. My family are aware of the issues with in laws but not told my parents re hubby. Only my big sister knows. Suprise suprise he hasn't left today. I will seek legal advice as a back up. I usually give in and forgive him once he stops his sulking but you are all right I need to focus on me and the baby.

When I say we argue about mil I should say we argue only about his family.

I had a long chat with his sister and told her some of what I feel (like im not a doormat for them and I need to be respected etc). For once she seemed reasonable.

My sister says that she feels he is like this due to pressure from his family and if the situation between me and them improved so would he...

His love for you is conditional... Conditional on his family not finding fault with you. You have no control over the situation.

I'm not sure how often unconditional love genuinely exists in relationships... Perhaps there are conditions attached to some extent some of the time... But the point is that the conditions your husband is applying are entirely external: he is failing to put you (and baby) first.

Your sisters point that 'if only things were better with his family' is not something to focus on, because you have no power to make it so.

You need an exit strategy.

Hold on a minute - not only does he expect you to offer yourself up to criticism and abuse from his family, he is also a work dodger?

Why isn't he working and why does he get the hump when you try to discuss it with him?

He doesn't exactly sound like a catch does he? I really cannot see why you are afraid of losing him, I would be desperate to get rid.

I agree with guyropes you need an exit strategy.

Do not trust his sister. That phrase 'she was reasonable for once" is a sign that she usually isn't reasonable. Once she reverts to normal, anything you say can be used against you.

I think you might be able to trust his father. If his own -father- is saying that he'll run back to his mother, he knows what's happening.

Beyond that, Im afraid you've married a child and a self-pitying child not a man. You're suppressing a lot of stuff so that you don't have an open argument, aren't you? This isn't a proper loving supportive marriage.

I think you need to think of your baby to come and take a long hard look at the situatoin and yes, go to your lawyer. Just to see what the options are.

This is all if he -won't- grow up. If he absoutely refuses to talk to you, to communicate and to compromise. If there is hope, then it's worth persevering. But if there isn't then you need to think of your child and your own needs.