DS has finished with his first love. How can I help?

[DoristheDonkey]

They're both 20 and have been together for just under a year. The relationship was very intense to the point that they have practically been living together for most of the time (he has a room in a house but spends 6 out of 7 nights at her shared flat).

The reason he broke up with her is that she is incredibly possessive, eg he has had to drop all but one of his Uni friends because she felt threatened by them wanting to spend time with him. He wasn't allowed out for a night out without her, except for very rare occasions when she chose what he could and couldn't wear.

So anyway, he finally finished with her this morning and is really sad. Obviously it was his choice but it's still hard for him as well.

Any wise advice as to what I can say/do to help? He's 200 miles away, and as he's drifted away from his friends there, I suspect he's just sitting in his room brooding

Poor thing, I feel for him. This happened to my DS who is 21 just before Christmas, he was heartbroken, angry and sad.

I think we've all been there. Just give him time and if he's brooding in his room and that's how he deals with it, then that's okay. Just let him know you are there for him.

Maybe send him some treats in the post

If his friends are true, then they will be there for him.

One other thing, don't say anything bad about her or that he's better off without her.

let him know you are there if he wants to talk, even if its to talk about the weather and not mention his g/f problems. As your ds might want to talk to you but not be questioned if he is alright - so tell him to phone and talk about the weather and you will know not to mention ykw

One piece of advice I would give is don't say a word wrong about the girl in the next 6 months - you don't know if they might get back together….

If he's at Uni, can you send him a bit of spending money? Suggest that he heads out into town, Union bar etc. even if its with just one mate for a couple of pints and a take away.

Do not criticise the ex but quietly support the fact that this is his chance to hook up with his old pals again.

Thanks all. It's definitely for the best, he was getting so anxious his hands were shaking when he picked up the phone as there would often be a barrage of texts asking where he was, who with, when he was coming home etc. and he hasn't slept properly for weeks.

I was careful to not criticise her until yesterday when he said that he was getting really anxious and depressed about her behaviour, and I suggested that he google "Emotional Abuse". He recognised so many of those red flags.

He specifically asked me again yesterday whether I thought he should end it, and I said that he should never be afraid to walk away from a bad relationship. So I kind of did influence the decision but when I said that, he said that I hadn't said anything he hadn't been thinking for weeks.

I do feel for his ex, she is distraught and has previously threatened suicide when he tried to split up, so he's obviously worried about her. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes back out of guilt.

Whilst I wouldn't say anything bad about her I wouldn't hesitate to discuss what a healthy relationship looks like with him. And stress that he is not responsible for the behaviour of another adult. Id probably also suggest that as the relationship was making neither of them happy they might both be better off with other partners.

Have taken the advice about giving him some money - just transferred £100 so he can go out if he wants to.

I wouldn't waste your sympathy on his ex either. She's unhappy that he's not sticking around to be controlled.

I admire your restraint, Doris. Thank God he's finished with her - encourage him like mad to pick up his old friendships and make new ones so that he is less likely to be pulled back in. If you can afford to, send him some money so he can go out a few times in the next week or two.

Oops, took me a while to post - I see you've already funded some beer nights. Well done .

Oh Doris how I feel for you and what you are going through I had this with my DS2 he was living in Wales with a girl who was his first real GF and she controlled every move he made and he was a full time serving soldier so he was not at all the kind of person to allow this to happen,she just had "that way" with her,he was not allowed to look at other girls even girls he served with in case he fancied them it was painful to watch her, he made the decision to leave and move back home and it was hard for him as she bombarded him with texts and also texts to other members of the family,she finally got the message but we never slated her even though I could have wrung her neck at times,he went on to meet lots of other girls and enjoyed his freedom and is now married to the most lovely girl who I adore as much as my own.I do hope your boy enjoys his night out on the town with his pals thats what Uni is all about (well 75% of it) lol.

Thanks. He isn't answering his phone so I suspect he's turned it off to get some peace.