abusive ex using my new address

[kittybiscuits]

Hi, feeling a bit panicky at the moment and wondering if anyone can help. I kicked out my emotionally and financially abusive ex in October last year. The family home has just been sold and me and the children moved into our new home last week. Ex has been impossibly difficult about money and contact. Forced me to do and pay for mediation and is now reneging on everything that was agreed. All obviously textbook behaviour. I am low/no contact with him which he is furious about. He asked me last week when he could visit 'his children in their new home' and I said that won't be happening. He is being a nightmare all at a low level. Nothing that I could report to the police - just usual headfuck behaviour. I went out today and when I came home a parcel had been delivered to ex's name at my new address. If I'd been here I wouldn't have accepted it. He is playing up with the children and is obviously cranking up the behaviour.

Can anyone tell me what I can do about him having mail delivered in his name to my address? My solicitor is useless and it's all quite low level/hard to challenge, but I think he's crossed a line having mail delivered to himself here. He has his own place. Can anyone please advise? I know that I will be dealing with this shit for at least the next 8 years until the children are adults but I am wondering what I can do about this latest incident. Thanks Mumsnetters! Oh and by the way MN opened my eyes to the abuse and was a big factor in my be able to eventually leave him.

Return it to sender. Return everything he has delivered to the sender and claim ignorance of anything which has arrived at your house, if he asks. Hopefully, he'll soon pack it in.

For this parcel - return it to sender with a 'not known at this address'
The rest sounds like haressement. Talk to the police on 101, have a list of the behaviour to hand. Contact women's aid, email if they don't respond on the phone. Don't worry about it not being urgent.

Ooh, and change solicitor! Mine was fantastic and recommended by my DV worker. She crapped on every single antic my exs (they colluded!) tried. Have you been in touch with women's aid?

Ooh, and change solicitor! Mine was fantastic and recommended by my DV worker. She crapped on every single antic my exs (they colluded!) tried. Have you been in touch with women's aid?

If I'd been here I could have refused it but my teenager accepted it and is seeing him later. I don't want to ask her to lie to him. I have put it out of sight and might not mention it further. The children are struggling with him already and I don't want to make it worse for them. It isn't me making it worse. ...

By the way haressement and stalking are illegal. And if you have told him don't cantact, except about the children, by email (for example) then it IS haressement.

I would throw the parcel away and claim I never saw it. The novelty of having things delivered to you will wear off if he doesn't get the post and has to pay for the item anyway.

Yes just put 'not at this address' and send it bak. He won't do it again if it doesn't have results ie you having to contact him/him calling over to collect etc. Keep a list of everything else and contact police if it escalates.

Yes, as other posters have said.return to sender and not known at this address. If he says anything say you will be doing thus with all post. If you don't stand up to him the situation will get worse. No matter how he responds to you standing up to him stand your ground.

I haven't contacted women's aid so far Amantes . The individual things are so minor but I know it's all part of the ongoing quiet terror campaign. Using my address just feels like a step up.

Do NOT let your daughter take the parcel to him or he will continue doing this. Make sure she can't get her hands on it as she might be under pressure to take it and explain that he has no right to use your address. I know it sounds harse but he will use the kids to get his way if you let him. If the children take even one piece of mail or parcel then it'll make it more difficult to stand your ground.

Even if your teen accepted it, you can return to sender. A good solicitor would be very proactive in dealing with this and the rest of his issues. Women's aid should be able to point you in the right direction. Just because it's 'low level' doesn't meant it's not harmful. If he contacts you just three times, for example, beyond you telling him not to contact you again, he should receive a police warning. This can include texts, calls, visits and even his mail to your home.

Your boundaries need to be clearly defined in order for the police to act. I.e. if you state that any communication needs to be via a solicitor and he steps outside of that, they can act. Maintaining low level contact blurs the lines, iyswim?

I haven't contacted women's aid so far Amantes . The individual things are so minor but I know it's all part of the ongoing quiet terror campaign.

They will understand. Abuse comes in many forms! The insidious is equally as harmful as the overt and he needs to be stopped. If you feel able, please do try to call them?

Take the parcel right now and put it somewhere safe so she can't take it to him. Return to sender and quietly do the same with everything he sends. Or bin it! Or open it and sell what is in there...

Who did the parcel come from ? You should check he hasn't registered any accounts etc at your address or in your name.

I'd email to let him know the parcel was returned to sender and that you have set up a royal mail redirection service (you can do this, saves you having to see anything sent to him at yours), so anything further will be delivered to his parents/the tip/wherever.

Agree with a pp it's worth finding out if he's registered at your address, most places will send a parcel to a different shipping than billing address but it's best to make sure. One of those free credit checks maybe?

Thanks everyone. The children asked in mediation not to have a regular schedule for contact and for us cooperate so they can see him when they want to. So I keep stating this has to be done via email and he keeps reverting to text. I don't want them being made to see him. They have stayed with him four times in four months and now that maintenance is due he is agitating for at least one night a week. He wants to meet face to face to discuss maintenance. He is a functional alcoholic.

I have magicked the parcel away and am glad now that I didn't send a strong email to him. He does love to get a reaction. He is shagging around and online dating. I wish he would just leave me alone. I know I know. Thanks for your messages x

You do not need to meet face to face (ie give him an opportunity to abuse you in person)
Change your number, keep the old one for a cheap PAYG for when they are with him. Do not respond to any texts.

I would honestly change your mobile number.

You can be contacted urgently by email via your phone should something arise when he has the children.

If he emails regarding anything other than drop off or pick up. Ignore the content and do not reply.

Anything else goes through a solicitor.

You said about maintenance, go through CSA otherwise he will use it a stick to beat you with.

Do not say anything nasty to the dc about him. If he upsets them or let's them down say: unfortunately we cannot control what other people do but we can control what we do. That means you and I can choose to be nice. I'm not sure why your dad has done this but it's best to realise it's down to him how he behaves and not us.

Good luck.

Oh and if possible try not to mention the parcel AT ALL. That would be feeding him.

Anything you say is feeding him.

How old are your DC, could they take charge of arranging their own contact?

So I keep stating this has to be done via email and he keeps reverting to text.

He can only revert to text, if you engage with him via text. If you don't respond, he'll have to go via email. If you don't want to change number, there are some very good SMS and number blocker aps available.

I know you wish he'd leave you alone but you're going to have to force him to, by making yourself as inaccessible as possible to him. While he has access, he'll just keep on going. It's absolutely not your fault that he's doing this, I don't mean to imply that but when dealing with a harasser, you have to keep in mind that they don't have the mindset of a normal person. They don't respond normally to being asked to nc, so you do have to go all put to protect yourself, iyswim?

Mine cannot have my numbers or address, for example. A normal person with a balanced mindset, would resist abusing that contact information - stalkers and harassers don't and their behaviour can escalate rapidly.

When one did get hold of my address, deviously, through a series of third parties, he came and started videoing me through my windows (my home being over 500 miles from his place of residence!). My solicitor is keeping him at bay, which is why a good solicitor is so important. One of my stalkers now has a criminal record for harassment and the other is in progress.

Thanks for messages. I don't feel criticised and Ihaven't done anything wrong, other than try to be reasonable with an unreasonable person. I will decide on some lines to draw, draw them clearly and stick to them. My children are 17 and 11. He was trying to arrange contact with them directly but I stopped it. It meant that any arrangements I had made with the children fell apart. Also he is very persistent about contact and if they say no he just asks again repeatedly. They need my support to deal with him. I amassertive in real life and have a responsible professional job. Just had 20 odd years of this arsehole messing with my head.