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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Puzzled on behaviour of male colleague. Am I overthinking things?

21 replies

Abitcomplex · 24/01/2015 10:47

Bear with me, I am hopeless at reading people and situations, so might be overthinking things.

I get on with most colleagues in the dept I work in. They are very friendly, like a big happy family so to speak, which is lovely as I normally find it hard to get on with people. ( I have Asperger traits).

Anyway, one of my male colleagues seems to be behaving a little strange. When he talks to me, he barely looks at me.

If I ask him for help on something, he flies through what he needs to help me with very quickly, like he can't get away from me quick enough.
If we are alone in the same room, he laughs nervously or giggles, and I feel a sort of atmosphere, and its a very quick concersation always regarding work. But when other people are in the room, I get short sharp conversations from him, or he acts like I am not there, or only speaks to me if there is somebody else involved in the conversation.

Plus also, he has moved out of the dept, although I see him around during the day. I feel like I've done/said something wrong.

Should I ask him if I have? I'm scared if I do ask, that it might not be anything personal I've done/said, and looks like I'm 'finding' problems if none there, plus he might have been moved out of the dept by management and not him voluntarily, iyswim.

OP posts:
lougle · 24/01/2015 11:20

Have you given any indication that you may be attracted to him? It sounds like he feels uncomfortable. Having said that, if you find it hard to read people, your post could be reflecting your feelings about the interactions rather than the reality, if you see what I mean.

When was the last time you had a 'normal' interaction, and what was it about?

Abitcomplex · 24/01/2015 12:01

The last proper conversation was a couple of months ago regarding changing my shifts to suit the dept, and he said he was happy I was doing that, as it showed commitment, and they'll jump hoops for me in return.

He is very work orientated, always dashing about doing things. He even came in on Xmas Day helping out. Very seldom has he said anything to me other than work related things. He does talk about work to other colleagues, its just his behaviour.

OP posts:
lougle · 24/01/2015 18:25

It sounds like perhaps he doesn't have confidence in social interactions himself. I wouldn't worry.

MadeMan · 24/01/2015 18:41

"Bear with me"

I hope you've got him on a tight leash.

TitchyThings · 24/01/2015 18:46

Any chance that he could have a bit of a thing for you OP.

catsofa · 24/01/2015 19:03

Is there anyone else at work who knows you both, who you would trust to ask about it?

Could you say

"Bear with me, I am hopeless at reading people and situations, so might be overthinking things... Is it me or is X behaving a little strangely around me?"

Sounds like it'd be really helpful to have someone else's perspective who has actually seen the way he behaves.

MadeMan · 24/01/2015 19:19

"When he talks to me, he barely looks at me. If I ask him for help on something, he flies through what he needs to help me with very quickly, like he can't get away from me quick enough. If we are alone in the same room, he laughs nervously or giggles"

Yeah I'd agree with Titchy that he probably fancies you.

beaglesaresweet · 24/01/2015 20:09

but why would he avoid OP if he fancied her? it's usually the opposite, i.e. prolonging contact unnecessarily - unless of course he's not single and tries to stop fancying her.

MadeMan · 24/01/2015 20:16

"but why would he avoid OP if he fancied her?"

Because he is sc-sc-sc-scared of her. Grin

Chocolou · 24/01/2015 20:48

I think he likes you. I had a similar situation years ago with my exh bst friend. There used to be a big group of us that hung round together. He would laugh, chat and mix with all the other girls except me. I thought he didn't like me cos I wasnt as funny or loud as the others. Fast forward a while and one night he tells me I'm beautiful, he misses me (in army so goes away).

Whenever I watch love actually where the best friend videos the wedding but only the bride and his behaviour afterwards always makes me think of him. And how shit I am at reading people!!

SelfLoathing · 24/01/2015 21:23

I don't think this is something that anyone here can realistically give you any advice about - because it's so sensitive to context - including things like his personality, how you have been behaving with him.

Putting ideas in your head that he "might" fancy you could be WAAAY off the true position and might make things worse.

It could be a myriad of different reasons. If you ask him directly it is very doubtful you'd get a straight answer. The best way to try is to see if either a close friend of his has any idea what the issue is or get someone else to explore it gently on your behalf (but very casually and softly so doesn't look like they are your stooge).

Honestly, I think speculating he might fancy you is really irresponsible given your statement that you have Asperger traits. How can anyone here know that? And him "avoiding" you sounds very doubtful.

SelfLoathing · 24/01/2015 21:25

I'd go for catsofas advice

KatelynB · 24/01/2015 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitcomplex · 25/01/2015 08:20

OMG, no, I don't think he fancies me Shock

.... Or should I say, I can't even look in his eyes for long enough to tell because of the speed in which he says something, then legs it! Grin

He has a girlfriend who works in the same building, but not the same dept. Looking at it now, I don't think I'll say anything to anybody.

OP posts:
catsofa · 25/01/2015 15:55

Ah, but we're all curious now Grin! Come back and tell us if you do find anything out.

heyday · 25/01/2015 16:33

Perhaps his girlfriend has said something and he is worried that she might think he fancies you so he is being ultra casual.
He may find you slightly difficult to understand because of your Aspergers traits or who knows, he may have similar traits himself.

Abitcomplex · 25/01/2015 17:53

Re: his girlfriend.

Once in a blue moon, she rings our dept and asks for him, and we have a quick pleasant chat (not about him, just general things)., so can't really say with that one. Ok, I'll see how it goes this week and report back..Smile

OP posts:
Abitcomplex · 25/01/2015 17:59

Heyday, he seems to interact well with everybody else, not sure if he has Aspergers.

No, really, I don't think he fancies me, I'm about 10 years older, for a start. Just going to be as pleasant as possible to him and hopefully this will come out in the wash, and we can be friends Smile

OP posts:
TonyThePony · 25/01/2015 21:15

MadeMan, that leash joke took me far too long to get but once I got there.. Great work Grin

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 27/01/2015 14:57

Perhaps you remind him of his girlfriend lol.

Abitcomplex · 27/01/2015 19:46

Lol Grin at reminding him of his girlfriend. Poles apart. Totally.

Anyway. He's off this week so can't update, unfortunately. Feel a bit relieved tbh, no atmosphere....

OP posts:
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