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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uncle finally arrestedLa

28 replies

delicatematter · 18/10/2006 17:53

Last week, he was finally arrested, questioned,fingerprinted and sample of DNA taken.
Of course he denies charges doesnt understand why DH has done this and told DC that DH has his time wrong that he can only have been 4 when the events took place, thus trying to say straightoff that DH is a liar.

You wouldnt believe whats happened over the weekend, DH has been getting calls saying "the family name will be dragged through the mud,think of your children" and "nothing will come of it, whats the point in going to the police" and "You will have to face the consequences if you pursue this case" and the best one was last sunday night DH dad got a call telling him that uncle had tried to commit suicide and that he,d had his stomach pumped and was in the local hospital and could he ask DH to drop the charges.
Soon as we got home DH said "bollocks" and phoned the hospital and after gving them enough information to convince them that he was a family member he was told that uncle has not been admitted at all and that they checked all the other local hospitals and he hasnt been admitted, they went back a month to make sure.

So he phoned his dad and told him and his dad immediately said it was another day it had happened on and DH said "No dad ive had them check back a month" so we now know that his dad was in on the scam as he sees his sister who sees the uncle.

So anyway DH says whoever is bullshitting me tell them its not working and that its made me even more determined that im doing the right thing.
FIL came last night and put it to me that maybe uncle was just experimenting as he was 16/17 when he abused DH.

And, "uncles girlfriend managed to make him sick and bring back the tablets so there was no need to go to the hospital"

Ermmm, ok then.

Police are coming to see DH tommorow and have told him that this psychological pressure is to be expected.

So thats the update for now, suffice to say that me and DH are very very stressed out and are dreading the phone ringing as to what scam is being put together next.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Overrun · 18/10/2006 18:01

YOu are doing such a brave thing, I really hope that the family backs off, perhaps they will when they realise that you are not going to be blackmailed into dropping your complaint.

RottenOtter · 18/10/2006 18:07

its all standard behaviour sadly -for the family to close ranks and not want the whole thing raked up
just makes it harder to get arrests

HumphreyComfreyCushion · 18/10/2006 18:11

delicatematter, this must be such a difficult time for you all.

It is fantastic that your DH has the strength to do this, and I'm sure you're a great support to him.

He is doing a very brave thing, and I hope his Uncle gets the punishment he deserves.

lulumama · 18/10/2006 18:12

it's easier for other family member to distort or deny the truth than to front up to the brazen wickedness that has been perpetrated. they know there is no excuse for it....they are grasping at straws....

as for the suicide attempt

wishing you and your courageous DH the strength to see this through

emmatom · 18/10/2006 18:14

I don't know the history of your situation but I'm getting the gist from this post.

Well done to you and DH for being strong and not backing off due to this pressure.

Keep a log of all comments, especially the 'experimenting' thing.

Let the police know if the comments become threatening in any way, and lots of luck to you in following this through.

Californifright · 18/10/2006 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JackieNoHeadJustABloodyStump · 18/10/2006 18:16

Thinking of you and your DH - you're both very brave.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 18/10/2006 18:49

Finally it took them long enough to arrest him . I hope your DH is bearing up ok under the circumstanceses . Be strong .

coppertop · 18/10/2006 18:57

The family name will be dragged through the mud??? It's a shame the uncle didn't consider that before asbusing your dh.

Piffle · 18/10/2006 18:59

Give your dh a big hug and kiss for being so brave
how are things between you both now? I know it was tough at first wrestling with what to do.
hope things are better now and dh is feeling stronger.

Original poster
delicatematter · 18/10/2006 19:35

Things are really good between us, we have never been stronger or happier together which i find strange in a way considering what we are going through.

DH went back to work also last week after having 6 weeks off sick with depression/anxiety and his firm immediately tried to give him a final warning for something stupid but he got the union involved and they have backed off but until when noone knows.

We are having a party next month for our anniversary, i want to call it off in view of whats going on but DH wont hear of it, he says uncle has already ruined his life enough and he wants to celebrate a night with his family and close friends so it looks like its going ahead, but half of the family are not invited as they have sided with the uncle but we are not bothered about that.

OP posts:
jofeb04 · 18/10/2006 19:58

Just seen this now, and to say that I am thinking of both your dh and you.

Write down every call you get, and abuse you may have in the future. Let the police know everything that has been said. I don't know if you could complain of witness intimidation??
Hoping someone else with more knowledge would let you know.

mascaraohara · 18/10/2006 20:13

Havebeen following your story, think you're both very brave.

I think what that side of the family is doing is just proving his guilt!

I'm glad to hear the two of you are strong..

AuldAlliance · 18/10/2006 20:33

Maybe it does sound strange, but I can see your DH's point; having a party with his friends and those members of his family who are standing by him and supporting him at such a difficult time might well be just what he needs to give him strength and a moment of fun during an otherwise grim period, as well as a symbol of how well he is overcoming the past. Make it a night to remember! You have both been so brave, hang in there now...

Freckle · 18/10/2006 20:42

I do so admire both of you for sticking to your guns on this. It must be so hard to deal with even without family members adding pressure to forget it all. How they can do that when they must be aware that it happened beggars belief. Who on earth would put themselves through something like this if it hadn't happened???

Just remember, to quote, badly, Edmund Burke "All that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to stand by and do nothing". Well, your good man isn't doing that, is he?

Will it help him to know that the whole of MN is behind him even if his family isn't?

Original poster
delicatematter · 18/10/2006 20:43

got another message the other day to say that uncle had been telling members of the family that the police dont believe DH, DH was very upset so i phoned the Detective Constable in charge and told him what had been said and he said that unfortunately this is to be expected and that they definately have not said to the uncle that they dont believe DH and they are coming to see him tomorrow.

I have told him to be honest and tell the police what is going on but he feels reluctant as its his dad who is doing most of the shit stirring, but its coming from the uncle through his dad, his dad is being completely out of order, oh ive just remembered that when his dad told DH about his uncle commiting suicide the first thing he said was "dont tell that copper that its come from me" so what does that tell us?

OP posts:
LaDIEDaDIE · 18/10/2006 23:42

I thought that this would be you when I saw the thread title. I just wanted to add my words to those of the others who have already posted. I have been following your story and think that you and your husband are doing exactly the right thing by pressing charges against his uncle. His family clearly do really believe your husband but are sadly trying to brush it under the carpet. Perpetrators of abuse must be confronted, both to protect others from future abuse and to help those they have abused reach a feeling of resolution. I hope that you and your dh continue to face this challenging time with the strength and commitment to each other that you have already shown.

foxinsocks · 18/10/2006 23:47

my goodness your dh is brave. I imagine having you as his support has helped him to do everything he has done.

My heart goes out to you both. Out of interest, is your dh getting counselling to help him through it all?

I am outraged at his work. How horrible of them. I wish the two of you all the support in the world.

harrisey · 18/10/2006 23:54

dm I have been following this and just wanted to post that you and your whole family, especially dh, are in our prayers here.

TheBlairAitchProject · 19/10/2006 00:06

your husband is doing A GOOD THING, never lose sight of that for a minute, and by his actions he may be protecting young children from lives of torment. you should be very proud of him, but of course i sense that you already are. it is a terrible shame about his family, but i'm certain that you'll both continue to rise above it. well done getting this far, your DH is very brave, and have a brilliant time at your anniversary party.

Original poster
delicatematter · 19/10/2006 15:23

police have been round this afternoon.
DH has told them to proceed with the case and the DC is approaching the CPS to see if there is enough evidence to take it to court.

In the meantime,
At the weekend we were told that uncles daughter had been sent to prison, now the DC told us that as social services are involved in this case that he would have been alerted immediately and he hasnt, so
WHERE IS SHE?

This is the cousin who self harms and cuts herself and who has tried to commit suicide several times before, last we heard about a month ago was that she had been kicked out of the house.

OP posts:
anorak · 19/10/2006 15:51

It seems clear that his dad is not telling the truth about anything so I wouldn't bother worrying about the things he says. Even if uncle did try to commit suicide I don't see that it makes any difference - he is still culpable and must face the court. They are trying every kind of emotional blackmail to try and get you to drop these charges - isn't it well known that abusers use emotional blackmail.

I'm glad you're getting on well and that your DH doesn't want to cancel the party. He is not allowing the uncle to make him into a victim.

There's nothing like the feeling of being morally in the right and standing up for what is right. I congratulate you. Your DH is breaking the cycle of abuse.

Freckle · 19/10/2006 18:19

For your dh's dad to admit that his brother did abuse his son would be an admission that he failed to protect him, so of course it is easier to try to persuade your dh that it (a) didn't happen or (b) should be forgotten.

Is there any suggestion that the cousin was herself abused by her dad and this is the reason for the self-harming?

somethingunderthebedisdrooling · 19/10/2006 18:27

read only op but if not yet mentioned, have you considered getting a digital phone that can record calls with the touch of a button? i have one, never thinking that i would ever need ther function but it was the difference between complete denial of harassment and undeniable evidence and admittance that it was happening.

it may also provide evidence or bring forward a presently uncooperative witness.

Original poster
delicatematter · 19/10/2006 20:58

Yes we do think that the cousin was abused by her dad, DH phoned his dad tonight and told him that the police have been and that he has been instructed not to discuss the case with any members of his family and his dad said yeh but not me, you know i wont say anything, erm yeh whatever, found out that when uncle was arrested he knew what police were going to ask him and the age that DH put himself at the time it took place and first thing he did was say that DH wasnt that age, so where did he get the info from?
From FIL,
FIl said tonight why didnt you tell me the police were coming cos i want to be with you when they come, but he only wants to be with him to find out information, DH told FIL that he has informed police about Uncles phantom suicide attempt and FIl said "I told you not to mention that to the police" why?
If it was true the police would have found out anyway.

We are dodging calls atm, but think he,s going to have to phone him back as we are now getting texts, says he,s going to phone him back and tell him to stop mithering him.

Back in a bit

OP posts: