Despair after husband has left

[EmBod99]

Hello.
First time posting and hoping for some help/support.
Nearly 3 months ago my husband of 10 years (although we'd been together 17 years) left me. Things had been difficult and I think a lot of it can be traced back to the birth of out second child 3 years ago.
We had quite serious money problems a few years ago and I sorted us on a Debt Management Plan, but also took control of all finances. I have a naturally controlling manner and have always been the one to sort anything out.
I think my husband became overwhelmed by all the responsibility of life, especially after our DS was born as he was harder work than our DD.
Anyway a month before Christmas he ups and leaves. Initially his behaviour was awful....drinking in the pub, turning up drunk to see the kids etc. That's settled now but it's still like he will only see the kids in 'bite size' pieces.

He moved into his own place yesterday and it's birthday today, but he's more interested in going out than seeing his kids.
This has destroyed me in a way I never expected. I feel the rug has been pulled out from under me and I can only just manage to function for the sake of my kids.
How can someone change so much, and not seem to care at all for the past 17 years.

So sorry to hear this. How awful. He is showing you who he is, and it hurts like nothing on earth. Very difficult to accept but needs to be accepted nonetheless.

Do you have real life support? Friends? Family? Have you considered seeing a counsellor?

Three months is still very early days.

Arrival of dc was the un-doing with my horrid ex.

He did a passable impression of being a grown up until then, although looking back the signs were always there.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

How awful for you after everything you've been through, I suppose all you can do is concentrate on the dc and wait until he sorts himself out?
Hope you've got lots of support, sounds like it might get worse before it gets better.

You seem to be implying that your controlling behaviour may have caused him to duck out of family life. Well it may have done, but by the sound of things you needed to take control because it was headed for an awful crash if you didn't. It's no good keeping everyone happy when the bailiffs are hammering at the door.

Hopefully their dad will settle down in a while and be better at seeing them etc, but you can't control that. What you can do is keep a roof over your kids' heads and some emotional stability in their lives from one parent at least. You are their mother, not his. He's bolted for freedom - whoop-de-doo, doesn't sound like he knows what to do with it but, as a theoretical adult, that's his problem. After 17 years you're not just going to be able to switch off the caring, though, of course you're not. It takes time.

Thanks all...I guess there is truth in the fact that I'm blaming my self but I did have to act to save our home.

He's never had to take any responsility for anything. Well now he's going to have to face up to the reality of managing his own money and ensuring the bills etc are paid.

He's now moved into some pokey little flat. I can't believe this is what he wants?!
I'm also exhausted with his mood swings....one minute he's all reasonable - friendly even. The next he seems full of rage. Trying to keep things on a even keel for the kids but it's hard work. I mean it was his birthday yesterday and I asked if he wanted to pop in quickly to see the kids. He said no he was going out. He was only in the pub round the corner and couldn't spare 10 mins to see his own kids. What kind of father does that?!
I am lucky to have amazing friends that are supporting me and I've started counselling which has helped a bit. I just guess I never saw my life turning out like this. We'd been together since I was 21 so he's been there for my whole adult life and now the future seems a very frightening, empty place.

ok, if you have read many threads on here you will know the only thing to do here is detach

stop the "popping in" to your house, stop chasing him to see his own kids, his contact must be outside your home, stop trying to micromanage him and most importantly dramatically reduce your expectations of him

the bloke is a waste of space

treat accordingly

Aargh....wish I'd taken the detach advice just now. I just let myself get royally wound up by him. Pushing as to whether there was someone else. I don't know what I was trying to achieve? All I've succeed in doing is making myself feel like shit. He's such a wanker!!!

It's never too late to detach.

You have proven to yourself in the past that you can face very difficult situations head on and make the tough decisions. You can do this again.

it's in your hands, my love

you can only make you feel like shit if you give him the openings

you are not in a relationship with him any more...you decided you were no longer going to take this crap and yet....

hmm

sorry, he can only make you feel like shit if you give him the openings

you are not doing it to yourself, obvs (or only in the way you hand him the ammunition)

As you may know, there is often another woman in situations like yours. I am sorry you are going through this.

Yes I know there's probably someone else and know there's nothing to be achieved by torturing myself over this. After storming out and telling me that 'maybe' he'll give me this week's child support - he then came back and acted like we hadn't just had that row. He's moving into his flat properly today so will be back and forth all day picking stuff up. I'm going to head out now so I don't have to keep seeing him.
I have tried so hard to keep this amicable for the sake of the kids. Even to point of staying at my parents 3 times a week so he could see the kids while he sorted somewhere to live.

Then stop trying to achieve the impossible. It will only damage you, confuse the kids and he sits pretty

He's moving into his flat properly today so will be back and forth all day picking stuff up. I'm going to head out now so I don't have to keep seeing him.

If you can trust him not to steal anything, then I think you're right to leave him to it. Can you give him a deadline? From that point on, you have to make your house your home, a home he can't just waltz in to.

So, 1) Detach and 2) Set Boundaries.

Make today the day where you reclaim your right not to still be controlled by him

He's a twat but I really don't think he would steal anything so best I'm not here.
I've been really surprised by how I've reacted to this. I'm normally a very strong person I can't believe how much I've let him control me. But enough is enough...he has his own place now so after his stuff is gone today there is no need for him to come back here.

Hi look I have seen this happen in my own family and I can honestly say that the ones left in similar circumstances ended up in better circumstances - not straight away but in time and the ones who left did not find a fabulous world waiting for them as expected... so, if you can, take the long view and remember how special you are...a better time will come, until then, indulge yourself if you can x

Indeed !

And also don't forget to remind him that as the children are a joint enterprise he should be taking responsibility for them. Whilst you in the meantime start enjoying your life, looking to the future, do you work? Ever wanted to retrain in a new career? Now is a great time to do that.

I can understand why you're wondering if he has someone else as that's just you trying to understand why he would walk out.

Try to thank the heavens that you no longer have to tolerate his moods, make sure he had the kids at least one night on a weekend so that you can start to enjoy yourself and leave your responsibilities behind for a few hours!

Thank you for your kind words. I do work - in fact my job has helped keep me sane these past few months. Got friends coming for dinner tonight so looking forward to that. Just have to accepted that I'm not going wake up tomorrow and find him begging to come back. Need to face up to this new world in front of me!

I think you are doing amazingly. Keep it up. I'm in a similar position and with DH for a similar amount of time and not doing nearly as well as you. Adjust to them not coming back, and you will be prepared for anything. It is hard that they can just switch off the emotions after all that time. Keep on being positive.

Cassawoof - that is the hardest part the fact it doesn't seem to bother him at all. In fact it's like he's living the dream!
Someone said to me the other day "you got to fake it till you make it". That's very much my new mantra and it does help...put on a positive attitude and a smile and it does make me feel better even if it's for a short time.
Having good support also helps - I hope you have people you can turn to. Be strong - we can do this xx

I have to agree - you need to detach. It won't be easy initially, but it gets easier.

It'll be two years separated this summer, and stbx has practically nothing to do with the dcs now. They are at the bottom of his list of priorities, well behind current girlfriend, her kids, booze, fags, and everything else on the planet.