Told DH I'm not sure I love him...but too scared to leave

[MyGastIsTinselled]

When I told DH this he just said 'don't say that' and didn't react at all.

I'm very unhappy, DH isn't a bad person, but has let me down a few times in the past & it's basically destroyed my feelings for him. I care about him but that's it. We've been together 8 years, married 6 with 2 DCs 5 and 2.

I'm terrified of being a single mum. I suffer from depression and am currently awaiting a referral for ME. I really struggle with both boys. Also the house we live in belongs to DH & his brother so I'm fairly screwed there too.

I've asked DH if he doesn't think he deserves to be with someone who loves him but he says he wants to be with me however I feel. I just don't know what to do any more.

get your depression treated first and seek counselling/therapy before making big decisions.

you are married so the house belongs to you and DH and his brother. you are not screwed - you can always rent some where so can your dh and brother - but you need to find out the legal position re: the house and other asset s were you to split.

I am getting my depression treated, but I'm not sure if part of the reason I'm depressed is because things aren't great at home, or if my expectations are too high & this mediocrity is how things are once you have children.

Definitely agree with cestlavie. Counselling sounds like a really good idea.

Environment is a big factor in depression, it rarely comes out of nothing. What's wrong at home?

You're married: your DH's share of the house is an asset of the marriage. It belongs to you too...

Counselling with a good therapist may help you see what is what.

OP, the possibility exists that you have depression and ME in no small part because of your circumstances, not in spite of them. I was the same; it was my marriage. I left. Life changed dramatically. And then the work to stop that from happening again starts.

I will be back to update when I've got a bit more time-didn't want helpful posters to think I've just buggered off

he says he wants to be with me however I feel

I'm not surprised you're depressed; what a ghastly attitude. You're being told quite clearly that your feelings do not matter. He wants you, therefore you must stay. Like you're a possession, not a person.

Sure, life isn't always easy when you've got children and a household to run, and long-term relationships aren't always hearts and flowers. At the base of it, though, there has to be mutual support going on - a feeling that life is nicer because you have each other, that burdens are lighter because they are shared. Not one partner dumping on the other and saying "here, you've got to carry that because I said so".

I agree with gatewalker that you may be a lot less depressed and unwell out of this unhealthy-sounding trap partnership.

So, what's wrong:

DH tells me he'll do things & then not do them; or he'll say he never said he'd do them.

He's very cagey about things, e.g. I've had to ask him how much money he earns, he's never given me San exact answer.

He's never really cut the apron strings and thinks his parents can do no wrong & must never be criticised.

He's arrogant, thinks he's Mr Wonderful and knows everything.

Since last year he's grown a beard & I hate it. I know it's shallow but I can't help how I feel.

He's quite hard on DS1-bedtime often results in DS1 crying over something. Plus he never suggests doing anything with the boys-it's always me.

Nothing I've listed sounds particularly awful, but I'm just so miserable. I know the honeymoon period doesn't last forever, but the overwhelming feeling when I see him is irritation most of the time-there's no affection there.

Bumping for traffic. I really think my marriage is over but I'm just scared of everything.

I think my MH problems are caused in some part by the state of my relationship. I am having therapy at the moment.

Nothing I've listed sounds particularly awful, but I'm just so miserable.
It sounds awful to me. No wonder you are miserable.

I really think my marriage is over but I'm just scared of everything.
Yes, clearly your marriage is over.

What are you scared of?

I've asked DH if he doesn't think he deserves to be with someone who loves him but he says he wants to be with me however I feel.

That is terrifying. You have to stay with him because he wants you. No matter how you feel.

Do you not have access to the bank account? Are you a SAHM?

This sounds quite unpleasant. Have you considered getting a job so that you can gain some financial reserves in order to make a move possible? Your dh would have to pay maintenance etc. you would get benefits.......

I really struggle with the children, I have anxiety & depression, plus I'm being investigated for ME so am exhausted as well.

I'm worried about being a single mum, I'm worried that my husband's family will use my health issues to get custody of the children. I'm not working at the moment & don't feel
well enough to work.

I'm just in such a muddle & dreading telling my husband, he won't understand at all.

get your depression treated first and seek counselling/therapy before making big decisions - this is what you need to do.

Why don't you take a break from each other and see where to go for from there?
It took me years to get over ME and you may need all the help you can get with your DS's so don't think him having the kids would be a bad thing, unless he's abusive and his family is toxic.

Go to your GP and get counselling for yourself, and see if you can arrange counselling for your DH and you together. If needs be a mediator will help to provide a space for calm and fair negotiations about your split.

You know what stands out? The beard. It might seem like a small/shallow thing but it actually is a big deal for you, affects how you feel, is simple for him to sort and yet he doesn't. And I bet is representative of his dismissive attitude to you. It's over.

Actually I forgot to say, he did finally shave the beard off at the weekend. Yes, I feel warmer towards him because it's gone but I'm not sure it's enough.

You know what stands out? The beard. It might seem like a small/shallow thing but it actually is a big deal for you, affects how you feel, is simple for him to sort and yet he doesn't. And I bet is representative of his dismissive attitude to you. It's over.

Just out of interest.

A woman dyes her hair and loves the result. Her husband hates it and asks her to change. She doesn't as she loves it and it makes her happy. Her husband leaves her because she has not done what she asked because it was dismissive of his feelings.

Is that reasonable?

Surely he should be able to grown a beard if he wants to?

To the OP - I strongly urge you to get treatment for your depression before you make any big decisions. If you don't feel well enough to work then I would suggest that you are not in a good frame of mind to potentially turn you and your families world upside-down.

You husband's comment may have been sinister and uncaring of how you feel, or he may have been clumsily expressing the depth of his love for you after being devastated by the woman he loves.

A woman's hair colour doesn't cover her face or make her kiss different etc etc.

I agree, I recently had a radical change of hairstyle & wouldn't be happy if he turned around & said he didn't like it. However, my reaction to his beard is more than that-it repulsed me. But it's gone now anyway.

My depression is being treated but I'm sure the state of our relationship is a major contributing factor.

We went to Relate last year & things were better for a bit but then it was back to normal again. It just makes me so sad that things aren't as they should be & there's nothing I can do about it-I can't make myself love him.

Apart from the boys we really don't have anything in common, we never go out without the children. He never thinks to take the boys anywhere. He's very hard on our eldest boy-within 10 minutes of him getting home last night he was shouting & DS1 was crying, over nothing. I just can't see any good way out of this.

I'm not sure it's the right time for you to leave and agree with others who suggest getting your depression sorted as far as possible first. Depression can cloud how you feel about everything.

Also you say yourself that you don't work and struggle with your children. If you are on your own, do you think you will struggle more or less? What kind of support would you have from friends and family on a day to day basis? If you are desperate to leave, make sure you have appropriate plans in place to be able to bring up your children alone (financial, practical, emotional.)

Yes I know your husband should pull his weight but don't rely on it. I have ended up completely on my own with my dc and it is tough going.