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Original poster

'Golden Boy' brothers -mine's a dropout

24 replies

skolastica · 23/01/2015 15:06

I'm sure that I'm not the only one with this experience - does anyone want to chat?

I'm almost 50. My brother is 48. At the moment he is living in the parental home and unemployed and unemployable.

Without my parents he would be homeless. He contributes nothing. It's a big house (five bedrooms) and my other brother lives there too. He is a lot younger and works full time - wants to leave but isn't being paid enough to be able to buy his own place. He contributes. My Dad has been ill and the running of the entire household has fallen, bar my youngest brothers help, on my Mum, who is in her early seventies. That is food, cleaning and washing for 4 adults.

My dropout brother won't clean his room - so she does it; won't cook, so she does it, smokes at the back door and drops cigarette ends - so she picks them up. etc.

I was there at Christmas. During Christmas dinner, my son and my youngest brother started taking photos. My Mum, looking radiant in a red jumper and gold christmas cracker crown, scooted around the table and posed behind my dropout brother for a photo to be taken. This is the son who drank, and never replaced her birthday gin and who will stand and watch her carrying shopping in the from the car..

It goes without saying that I don't like my brother - he wasn't a nice person when we were children - argumentative and a fighter. The sort that would torment you until you retaliated and then made sure that it was never him that got into trouble.

What a family dynamic. But sometimes I think I'm the only one that doesn't like him - everyone else makes excuses for him.

Anyone else?

OP posts:

stargirl1701 · 23/01/2015 15:11

Yup, me. My brother sponges off my Dad in the same way. He was violent to my Mum but she passed away 8 years ago.

I can see why my brother has so many problems. I think he has an attachment disorder and he was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia while he was at school. These things don't excuse his behaviour though. I find him highly unpleasant to be around. Aggressive, loud and thoroughly selfish.

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 15:16

Hello Stargirl, thanks for responding.

Interesting about the ADHD and dyslexia - sometimes I wonder if my brother does have a problem that might have contributed to this. He had to go to speech therapy as a child and he is very clever. Very selfish and self centered too.

Do you manage to stay disengaged now?

OP posts:

cailindana · 23/01/2015 15:17

My sister's almost the same, although at least she has a job. She literally tortured my much younger sister, as well as bullying me, for our entire childhoods and my parents never stopped her. She moved out of my parents' house briefly in her 20s but moved back and is still there at 34. She does pay a very small amount of rent but if she buys any food, even a bottle of milk, she will expect the money back from my parents. She pays no bills, does very little housework, doesn't cook, and is a general misery to be around. My parents never stand up to her - everyone has to tiptoe around her for fear of 'upsetting' her (ie for fear she'll have a tantrum if she doesn't get her own way).

I've given up feeling annoyed about it, there's no point. And I have stopped feeling sorry for my parents. They have done her no favours by not calling her on her behaviour and insisting she behaves more like a human being and less like a turd and they are now reaping the rewards of their inaction by having to live with her, probably forever more. They are adults and could stand up to her if they wanted, they're just too cowardly.

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 15:22

Cailindana you begin to wonder what was going on in your parents' heads, don't you? Mine have normalised my brother. He's another one where 'keeping the peace' matters. If he is in a bad mood, the whole house suffers.

OP posts:

stargirl1701 · 23/01/2015 15:24

I was NC for most of my twenties after he slammeda car door on my rib cage as I was getting into the car. My Mum had taken us both out for dinner for my birthday. The cars were tightly spaced together and my Mum wasn't able to get into the passenger seat. I said I was able to get into the back behind the driver and opened the door. He went beserk. My Mum, ever the apologist, said it was my fault and I should've waited with her. I thought, FUCK THIS. I wouldn't allow any other person to treat me like this and went NC with him and cooled the relationship with Mum.

After she died, I saw him but infrequently. My Dad keeps me updated on his current disasters. After my Dad passes, there will be no contact.

cailindana · 23/01/2015 15:27

I don't know skol. I think at some point they saw her awful behaviour and rather than facing up to it and dealing with it, they made excuses for her and then didn't know how to stop. My parents never deal with difficult issues, they just ignore them. They are emotionally immature ostriches. Both my younger sister and I have completely distanced ourselves from them. We both live in a different country (but close to each other) and only see them a couple of times a year. That makes it all much more bearable!

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 15:31

Stargirl That's awful. Maybe my brother isn't so bad - no violence towards me since my teenage years, but plenty of drunken brawls.

OP posts:

cailindana · 23/01/2015 15:33

It's not a case of who's bad and who's worse skol - you don't have to accept any behaviour you're not comfortable with.

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 15:42

cailindana both of my sisters live abroad as well... funny that. But I'm the only one doing active distancing.

It's not a case of who's bad and who's worse skol - you don't have to accept any behaviour you're not comfortable with. - I think that what I meant to highlight was that others have a worse experience. I think that with the golden boy/child dynamic. there's not a lot you can do except to try not to let it affect you.

(which I'm struggling a bit with because my children see no reason to not like him...)

OP posts:

cailindana · 23/01/2015 15:44

How old are your children?

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 15:50

My children are 26, 25 and 21

OP posts:

cailindana · 23/01/2015 15:59

Are they aware of how you feel about the situation?

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 16:15

They know that I don't like him - each have said, 'he's alright really'. Makes me doubt my own assessment...

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Coyoacan · 23/01/2015 16:16

Not my case and not to the same extent, but my MIL had two girls and two boys who are now between the ages of 46 and 64. My two SILs have lived independently since they were 18, whereas their brothers moved out a lot later and then each ended up back home. One of them was unemployed for years, while sneering at people who do poorly paid work.

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 16:21

Coyoacan Sounds familiar! My brother does a lot of sneering too - at middle class aspirations - whilst happy to live rent free in a large, comfortable, warm and very middle class house.

OP posts:

Holdthepage · 23/01/2015 16:31

My DB wasn't the golden child, he would argue that it was me that was the favourite & that may be true because I never caused any trouble whereas he was never out of trouble. I suspect the police knew their way to our house without even having to look up the address once his name was mentioned.

He & I are now NC because he is a massive twat & I cannot bear to be in the same room as him. He was almost sent to prison 3 years ago but instead escaped with a tagging order. In his sixties & wearing an ankle tag for violence, over the years he has learned absolutely nothing. Our DM is in her nineties & knows nothing of his latest escapade. We are a respectable family, she would be mortified.

What I would be wary of in your position OP is financial abuse of your parents by your dropout brother. My twat of a brother would be happy to see my DM penniless if he had his way.

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 16:41

In his sixties & wearing an ankle tag for violence, over the years he has learned absolutely nothing. Oh dear, Holdthepage. How can they not learn? My parents consider themselves to be respectable too.

Financial abuse is possible - but he's not acquisitive and is quite lazy. It's more like he will live with my parents for the rest of his life, staying on after whichever one of them dies first.

OP posts:

FushandChups · 23/01/2015 17:32

I totally get that "but you're the golden child" version of events from my DB, purely because I kept quiet and didn't rock the boat growing up because he did enough of that for the both of us.

I rarely speak with him now nut we talk maybe once a year. He was very violent when I was young but that did stop after he moved out (then moved back in, then out, then in - he now rents a room in a house and is early 40s but I suppose he's independent.. purely because my parents live abroad I think!)

But yes, sick of being told I got it all when my parents he compared me unfavourably with him my entire life. To be fair, they clearly don't know they're doing it but it is horrific to be on the end of

I swore I would treat my DC equally come hell or high water - they're still very young but couldn't bear for it to be reenacted (although my parents have told me that my DS is their favourite - maybe it's a boy thing?? )

Original poster

skolastica · 23/01/2015 17:50

I did the same, FushandChups. My Mother definitely favoured the boys - my elder son is a favourite too. She was in her element at Christmas - my Dad, DB1, DB2 and DGS. I was only incidental!!

OP posts:

FushandChups · 23/01/2015 19:14

Eerie Skol - wonder why! I adore my DS as he is perfect of course but my DD is just such a special girl too.. so very different but neither is better than the other..

stargirl1701 · 23/01/2015 19:20

My brother feels I was the favourite. I don't see that at all. I see a baby/child/teen/adult who was incredibly hard to care for. My parents really struggled with him, day and daily.

My Dad feels that paying all his bills in a tiny studio flat means that he won't move back in which he really doesn't want. He's 35. No job, no relationship, no happiness.

No future as far as I can see.

RonaldMcFartNuggets · 23/01/2015 20:58

The sort that would torment you until you retaliated and then made sure that it was never him that got into trouble

Oh Lordy! This happened to me today! Too long to go into but big fight, was horrible.

My brother is the typical golden boy. My mother is from a Muslim background so I reckon it's even worse. It's ridiculous what she does for him EVERYTHING even down to microwaving a micro meal for him wtf?!

My stepdad used to say 'let the girls clean up' after dinner. He's grown up doing nothing for anyone else.

He's 24 but can't see him moving out of dm's ever tbh. The biggest joke is my mum had a brother who was the golden boy too and she goes on about it and how she's glad she didn't carry on the cycle LOL

I think being raised with someone who is so obviously more favoured because they are male has made me a bit of a man hater tbh which I hate as I have a ds now and don't want to carry it on. Even now ds has to help in the kitchen and clean and he's v young.

So yes, I completely understand, op. Sigh.

FolkGirl · 24/01/2015 06:35

Being the golden child is equally, but differently, damaging as being the scapegoat is.

I was the scapegoat. My brother was the golden child. He's now an angry bully who holds others to impossibly high standards that he sees no reason to adhere to himself and who reacts very badly to anyone who doesn't cajole, mollycoddle, excuse, revere him as our parents did.

He's angry with anyone he perceives as having slighted him, even when it's just that he isn't everyone else's priority (people with their own choldren and family commitments).

I went NC woth my mother 3 yrs ago and drew a line with my brother after his last, way too public, outburst last year.

Life is so much calmer without them.

InnocenceAndExperience · 24/01/2015 09:03

The sort that would torment you until you retaliated and then made sure that it was never him that got into trouble

Gosh, yes, and it still goes on.

My brother sounds like yours, Folkgirl. Was absolutely the Golden Boy and can't cope with it that he didn't end up having a stellar career.
Takes NO responsibility for his actions.

My mum, rarely, has acknowledged that he is 'not perfect' but actually I think what really frightens her is that one day he'll realise that he's the one who is responsible for his own problems and that it will destroy him and that it will be messy.

His wife is the same - if anyone 'upsets' him he gets more angry, less reasonable, so the answer is not to upset him. She knows what hes like but she enables him and covers up for him.

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