What to do when mil slags if DH to me?

[Hobby2014]

Mil pops round in the week to see DS, whilst DH is at work, I'm on ML.
She always seems to bring up DH in conversation and usually negatively.
This week it was her calling him 'clingy' because he wants to spend time with his son at weekends and won't let pil have him for the weekends (he's 5 months and he doesn't see him for any longer than bath and last bottle in evenings mon-fri).
She was saying she expected him to be playing on his Xbox and want to get rid of him, but he's not, so she's annoyed.

I try to not get involved but I replied that she should be proud he wants to, but she's not, she's annoyed.

(Fil was never interested in his kids and mil worked hard during week so at weekends the kids were sent to their grandparents am for the entire weekend so she could have a rest. DH doesn't want this with our son)

She was going on for ages. And it's really tough because I want to scream at her that just coz she did that with her kids doesn't mean she should make us do it.
Both DH and I don't want this.
We want to do things as the three of us at weekends.
We still tend to pop round at weekends anyway and she pops round in week so they see him.

What should I do when she keeps slagging him off? It's every time she comes about different things.
When DH came home after the last one, I told him what she'd said and said what do you want to do? Should we start letting her have him, not that we want to.
And he said no, she can do one, she's being needy and clingy and can fuck off.
I didn't want to tell him, but felt I needed to so he could decide to do something if he wanted to.
But then after he got angry about it, not directed at me, it was at her, but to me, IYSWIM, I then thought shit I shouldn't have said anything as I don't want to cause a rift.
But I'd hope she's never say to him in years to come oh yeah I told her how I felt about it all but she did nothing.

Do I just let her slag him off and say nothing?

Do I tell her to shut up and be pleased her son didn't turn out like his dad?
Do I tell DH?
Do I not?

Help.

Oh, difficult situation

Personally I would not be letting her have ds when you go back to work - it may be petty, but if she's so nasty about her own ds I would want to protect my own child from someone like this. What happens if, as he gets older, your mil starts slagging his father off to him?

Fwiw I would be trying everything possible to shield DH from her. I've done this with my own mil in the past. I think you're going to have to be very firm and very clear that, when she slags DH off, it hurts you and that you don't want to hear it. Make it very clear that your loyalties are with him, not her, and that you're not interested in her opinion of him.

It is hard to do, to begin with I was so angry that I couldn't get my words out straight. But if you plan what you want to say in advance, practice different scenarios and different conversations, it is easier.

I think the final step, if all else fails, should be that you stop seeing her on your own. Presumably she won't slag DH off to his face (or if she does there is no way to shield him from this and he is most likely to blow his stack at her himself).

"She was going on for ages. And it's really tough because I want to scream at her that just coz she did that with her kids doesn't mean she should make us do it."

You need to answer her before you reach screaming point. The winner in this sort of manipulative discussion is the one who stays calm and uses "broken record" repeated answers until the fact that you two are the parents and she can't tell you what to do with your baby sinks in to her head.
Learn some assertiveness techniques so she can't make you look bad.
Stay cool but do what YOU want.

Why do you engage with her OP? Would you accept anyone else coming into your home and slagging DH off to you? Just because she is his mother doesn't give her the right to do so.

Next time she starts stand up, open the door and tell her she has to leave as what she says is not acceptable.

I couldn't bear to have my MT leave ruined by this and would have stopped the popping around as soon as it began. Why would you want to spend time with someone who slags off your DH? He sounds like he is doing a good job as a DH and father and I would make sure she knows you aren't going to listen to her slag him off ever again.

As for childcare in the future all I can say is don't do it. Misery is all it can lead to.

Oh and I would be tempted to let her have one last slagging session but make sure I was recording it somehow as evidence of what a nasty cow she is!

I'd just say, 'I think he's great and I'm lucky to have'.

Or, 'if you weren't his mum I'd ask you to leave'.

Re buying all the baby items it sounds like she somehow has an idea that she's the mum to your DS (and therefore also annoyed that she can't have him).

My MIL sometimes refers to herself as her DGC's mum, it is quite strange. We have a lot of the same power plays.