My parents as grandparents, I need help please!

[weedinthepool]

My parents & I have always had a difficult relationship due to them generally having an idea I was being sexually abused when I was 4 but not doing anything about it (a Dr told my mum something wasn't right physically & she dragged me out of there & lied to social services). They have since denied this & won't take any responsibility (2 other children in their care were also abused & still no responsibility taken, not their fault it was the abusers).

So emotionally not great but practically very supportive, particularly with 3 dc's & helping me leave my sexually & physically abusive H.

HOWEVER, as grandparents they have been tricky to handle. They have worshipped their GC (they have 5 inc my 3 and my 2 DN). They have insisted on doing a fair bit if childcare when my sis & I worked. I haven't always felt comfortable with this & have balanced paying childcare with maybe 1 day of them having the kids. Kind of to keep them happy. My sis has only used them. The problem has been that my dad in particular has undermined & put down us, the parents, consistently in front if the kids. Taking my dc's out if time out when I've put them in it, told me to stop telling them off & they have generally been competitive telling the dc's that the Xmas presents from us, their parents were rubbish compared to what the grandparents bought etc. loads & loads of stuff like that.

So now the dc's (mine & my dn's) behaviour with them is off the scale. All the dc's behave very well at school, with other grandparents etc but there is a distinct lack of respect for my parents from the dc's

Yesterday my DN kicked my mum in a restaurant obviously my mum was v.upset. My dad has just rung me (yes it's all my fault even though DN is not my child!) and said they need a talk. They put in all this effort, they are getting nothing back from any of the GC and they buy them lots & take them out everywhere & the DC's don't respect them. They are not grateful enough. I need to do something etc. He was really angry. The Dc's are 11,7,7,3 & 3.

I work really hard with my dc's on their behaviour, they are well behaved everywhere but with my parents. I generally remove them as soon as they start to misbehave, I take them home, I remove luxuries & I put them in time out. My eldest (11) has pointed out how badly my parents (my dad really) speaks to me. How can I explain during this 'talk' that I understand the dc's are difficult and that I agree that they need to behave better however my parents also need to change the way they deal with them/allow their parents to take control? The lack of respect is unique to my parents and I will take full responsibility for my dc's behaviour and I certainly don't condone it but how do I make them see that if I work to change my dc's behaviour they need to change too?

Sorry this is so long but I really need some help from you, am I in the wrong here? Is my perspective skewed and I just need to address my dc's behaviour? Please be honest x

WTF? You leave your children with people you know let you and your siblings be abused.

The mind actually boggles.

... actually, totally agree ... it's a really bad idea to leave them with them because they can't be trusted given how they handled the sexual abuse.

sorry, I was wrong earlier. Unless they were willing to take responsibility and regret what they'd condoned they should not be allowed to have the children alone.

It's in your power to allow or disallow that . It really is.

I know its tough, it really is, to stand up to people like this with all this emotional FOG going on - I've been there myself and it is soooo hard to stand up to it, but the bottom line is you have to show to your kids that they can always trust you to take their side and to stick up for them; no matter how hard it is for you. Look where you are emotionally because your parents failed to do that for you, do you want the same thing for your kids?

So I'm afraid one way or another you are going to have to suck it up and deal with it. You can choose any option that works for you and your kids - no contact, limited contact, confrontation. The likelihood of confrontation leading to a happy result are just a smidgen over zero though.

Then you also should stop colluding in the abuse and talk to the other people who were abused and possibly talk to the police too. Obviously the shit is going to hit the fan, but maybe not quite as you'd imagine. You can say to the police that you don't want to make a complaint at this point or whatever, but how can you be sure, unless they are dead or already in prison, that this person isn't still abusing?

Sorry, but it's big girl pants time now. I would also come clean with your sister and her husband about the abuse (and the rest) before this shit kicks off.

katemosley thanks for that. Really, thank you. I'm glad in your perfect parent role that it is so black and white. You obviously have no IDEA about child sexual abuse, generational emotional abuse and difficult family relationships. Excellent. I'm really glad you haven't had to deal with or experience it. My mind boggles that you could actually be so self centred & factually wrong in one short post. My siblings were not abused. I had 30 years if wondering if the flashbacks were real, if that really happened to me. I'm sorry that 5 years down the line, when it all actually was confirmed it did happen to me I made some dubious decisions re my parents and child are. Read up on Stockholm syndrome, toxic bonding and PTSD & come back & tell me I should have made a black & white decision immediately.

I spoke to my mum this afternoon & she said they are going to take a step back as the kids aren't respecting them. I said it is best all round if they stop doing any child are and that they should know that I won't be spending as much time with them as I do not like them placing blame on the dc's.

So I will suck it up & put my foot down now and minimise contact with them. It is pointless discussing it further with them as they can't see any culpability so what is the point in tying myself in knots.

weedinthepool well done for making a tough choice. Creating some space between you and your parents will help everyone.
Focus on what is right for you and your DC and then take the steps you need to move towards getting to that place. You won't do it in one go but you can get there.

I think you have handled that well, weedinthepool. Hope you find a way forward that will make things better for you.

I think you have handled that well, weedinthepool

Agreed.

OP they still have hold over you, and I really feel for you. I am disgusted at them sweeping this 'under the carpet' how dare they.........................! if you want to talk about it its up to you not them. I wouldn't want these people anywhere near me or my children!

I hope you realise how toxic they are and please speak up!

only you know whats best but surely this cant go on...................?

blooming comp its just updated thread well done for speaking up! x

and your quite right, we are not in you situation if only life was so simple eh! pleased you have said something though.....!

I am going to speak to the other woman. She is desperate, she wants some resolution & I've had my head in the sand for too long.

It is hard for me to see the truth, that I shouldn't expose my dc's to this, when on a practical my parents have 'rescued' me from my abusive marriage. But my h did point out that they will want payback for this help by dictating & controlling me and that is exactly what this latest episode is. Payback. I can 100% guarantee that in a months time, when they have had a break they will be back with the 'you never let us see the dc's, you are ungrateful, we have done everything for you, why are you cutting us off?' This will be the flashpoint because they will really find out that I'm not backing down this time and contact is going to minimal. When I don't rely on them I'm too independent, when I do let them we are not grateful or respectful enough. Not going to win in that case am I?

you are doin exactly the right thing. Yes, it's basically ammunition for them to keep in their arsenal, the fact they "rescued you". It's so transparent for all to see.

I'm glad you're feeling stronger. You are not beholden to them, but you already know that. Nor are you the dependant child anymore, to do as you're told for fear of upsetting the apple cart.

Draw strength from your children and listen to your instinct. They cannot harm you, not matter how much they yell and resort to emotional blackmail, insults, controlling techniques to keep you in your place etc.

Whatever they may say to you remember, it's only words, and they will only cause you hurt if you allow them to. They will see that you are stronger and escaping their clutches, as it were. But that's just as it should be.

And how can any adult ever be describe as " too independant " FFS?? No sane, well-balanced parent would ever say this. I hope their grip on you gets ever weaker, the stronger you become.

Best wishes X

I think a lot of the replies on here are much too harsh and much too simplistic. But the fact that your kids behave differently with your parents than they do in any other setting is telling. I have heard many people say about children that "all behaviour is communication". Your children seem uncomfortable with your parents' lack of boundaries for them and lack of respect for you. I would try to talk this over with someone trained, if I were you. It's a difficult situation and I think you are handling it really well. Take care, OP.

how can any adult ever be describe as " too independant " FFS?? No sane, well-balanced parent would ever say this

and

Your children seem uncomfortable with your parents' lack of boundaries for them and lack of respect for you.

Wow, this is EXACTLY what I need to say to myself repeatedly, and believe it and say to my parents. those two statements ^ are the reason I came here asking for advice. Thank you so much george and chimi you do not know how much those words have helped me gain clarity

weed ..... GO for it.

100% respect - it's SO hard to stand up to your parents and redraw the lines and you've done superbly. Keep to it.

Just want to add another "yay" for the way you've dealt with the situation. I think you've done exactly what you needed to do and I hope you're feeling stronger and empowered from doing it.

Weed, You're very welcome!! : ) Glad to have helped even a teensiest bit.....

Yes, any kind of mantra that suits you would be beneficial if repeated in your head maybe? Regular affirmations in front of the mirror and post - its about the house, with positive words/phrases, could be useful to banish the negative thoughts when you have a wobble?

Just whatever floats your boat really and everyone's different, it can't harm.

I'm always reading/hearing about vision boards too, and how beneficial it is to create one of these to help visualise what we want from life. Positive and inspirational pics and phrases that apply to you personally. A lot of Psychologists recommend these actually. I hear visualisation and affirmation can be very powerful, especially during the times when we are struggling or going through tough times.

My random thought of the day........: /

P.S and pls can someone tell me how to use the smilies? I need these little guys to help convey my emotions rather than a load of exclamation marks!!!!LOL Oh dear : 0

hehe ... if you look below the Add Your Message Here box, on the left hand side there's a Smileys List. on the right hand side of each smiley it tells you how to do it ... basically type whatever you like and stick a [ ] round it. so a smile would be [smile ] without the space in

thanks meerka bit of a weird way of doin it rather than just clicking on them, but here goes!....