HOw can I get him to move out? This is such a horrible life - can anyone advise?

[HenriettaBarnet]

H and my relationship is terrible and has been for a while, but I keep taking him back thinking it will improve. It won't and hasn't.

He has moved out a few times and come back (most recently because he lost his job and I felt sorry for him), promising to change, that he loves me, that it will all be different. It never is.

We're horrible to each other. its like fucking War of the Roses. I am very ashamed of myself as I am not v nice to him. But mostly during rows I end up in the corner sobbing while he is horrible to me. he accuses me of fake crying.

It's horrible for the children. I feel v guilty for what I'm doing to them. He has said previously that he won't leave because of the children. I think he is only with me because of the children.

I have decided that enough is enough. I've emailed a solicitor for an appointment. but he won't leave. he's on the sofa and is so horrible to me that I spend all of my time out of the house or in my bedroom. its a horrible horrible environment and I really can't see how he justify staying.

We probably can't afford to run 2 places and will have to sell up anyway. i've contacted estate agents, but he's said he'll be difficult and won't consent to a sale. I can't see where to go from here. He won't move out, he won't divorce, he won't sell. Its so awful I've contemplated leaving on my own.

ugh. i had to move out with the DC to rented property in this kind of situation., it was the only way.

while i have a court order for sale of joint owned property he is dragging heels still and it will costs thousands to move forward...ie to get implementation order and bailiffs to move him out.....if someone wants to drag things out they can. but you can with money get it sorted. meantime at least equity is increasing so the delay has actually meant that the amount paid in rent has been compensated for by the last 12 months rise in equity...

you could put a case for schools etc for DC,to keep the house for you and dc, but then he could say well they stay with me then in the family home.... would he want majority share of care? would he want fifty fifty?

if he moves where will he move to?

how would he have dc to stay if its a smaller flat?

you said he is back for teatime then you are back for 6 and he is not ?

Teapot- Divorcing someone who has a tendency to be abusive/controlling/can't handle things not going their way can be very very hard. I have a court order after having to go to a final hearing regarding contact with the children and he STILL doesn't do what it says because he can't believe that he didn't get the outcome he wanted.

Thank you for this - I am not alone after all (although its the other way around), we have FH scheduled for May as STBXW has point blank refused to negotiate/budge on anything.

Sorry for hijacking but so relieved that its not just me...

Henrietta - sorry to hear things are so bad for you. I wholeheartedly agree with getting an experienced but firm solicitor. You know what your H is like so your solicitor needs to go in under no illusions. They will also be able to advise how to start the process of physical separation from one another.

I know it's difficult but you have to start playing the game. Try not to wind him up - stuff like "I'm going to get the house/maintenance for the DC etc and I'm going to make you pay" etc etc. It's a softly softly approach.

See your solicitor, take it from there. Try not to be confrontational with H. Take everything he says with a very large pinch of salt ("I don't have to pay you/the kids anything" etc) don't agree to anything...just say "I'll have to check that out" or some such.

I tried to scare my stbx into seeing a solicitor to get him motivated by telling him how much I could get - big mistake!

at the moment he is back for about 4 or earlier every day. sometimes he is around all day. but it's only because he doesn't have an office job. otherwise he's a workaholic and not back until after 7 or 8.

I can't see that he'll be trying to prove he's the resident parent - I have a 2 year old who adores me and he just wouldn't be able to take her away from me. But maybe I'm being naive. He does try and turn the older children against me though, kind of trying to get them to side with him about some of my faults.

I read some of the water torturer stuff earlier and it was like a lightbulb moment. I will read more of that later on.

I think you're right, I do need to play the game - but what does this look like? If I'm calm and civil to him, he seems to think it's all ok and we're happily married again.

I'm refusing to have any long conversations with him about this as I end up just getting too upset, but I am being very calm with him. I've divided the weekend up and asked him to go out one day. I'll go out the other. He's being uber reasonable and said he just wants to do stuff together. I came in and he was complimenting me on how I look. I can't work out whether he's deluded or just trying to catch me out. Sometimes its like jekyll and hyde

we live in London, he won't be able to afford to have two places that the children can stay at. He knows that and so do I. There just isn't enough money - we have a large family and not a lot of money unfortunately. And we're not even in a nice part of London, there aren't many places to go much cheaper than this that are anywhere near us. I would have to move out of London to get 2 places that were big enough. I can't see how that's in the children's interests.

This is abysmally awful HB and if you have a rottweiler lawyer then I'm glad. Yes, you mustn't trust him at all. Everything he says and does is to be considered a trap. No need to analyse it to find out what/why - you can do that later when you're free. For now, just believe me that everything is a trap.

You also need your own bank a/c so that anything you can get your hands on cannot be removed or blocked by him. Seriously, this needs doing like yesterday.