Should I try to befriend potentially nice friend of my narc ex?

[Iwouldgoout]

NC for this. Apologies for long post don't want to dripfeed.
I broke up with my ex (of a year... but all v intense) after I woke up and smelled the narcissism. He and I are out of touch for maybe the last 3 years or so because I now have a solid marriage and and DC so there's nothing in it for him.

I rarely think about him other than to feel a bit embarrassed that I fell for his bullshit. I'm not in touch with any mutual/his friends from that time. Luckily I didn't abandon my own friends when he wanted me to.

I bumped into a woman friend of this ex recently. i'd not seen her since I was with ex, didn't know she is a local mum. So my question is, I've been wondering whether I should contact her again and try to make her a friend? She was only an acquaintance through ex at the time but I liked her. She seemed to dip in and out of the friendship with him so she isn't his flying monkey. She was in same line of work as him so maybe she was/is in their friendship for her own networking reasons. Who knows. He had very few what I would call 'real' non-work friends. We didn't mention him when we chatted. They may not even be in touch now for all I know.

I would like to make a local mum friend as I have not really been in the right head space for cultivating the mum contacts I have already got, various reasons. I am a bit of an introvert really so I am crap at new friendships. She might be fun to meet up with and maybe become a friend?

I fear maybe part of it is that to me she represents his lifestyle which was a bit jet set (through their field) and very fun. And a freer time generally before having had kids. Perhaps starting from scratch is safer done with someone else with no history. Has anyone else ever made a proper friend out of a narc's friend/contact?

I would tread very very carefully. You never know their contact now and what she thinks of him.

If you want to make friends keep it very superficial for a long while until you have a full understanding. Don't tell her anything you wouldn't want your ex to know.

Iwould how long did it take you to get over him if you don't mind me asking? Great that you're so happy and settled now. I'm in Narc recovery and finding it so hard. Any advice?

I reckon it's fine to befriend her as long as like the PP said you're careful of what you tell her in case it gets back to him x

Hi Elsa
Sorry to hear you are in this situation. It took a year or so for me to fully get over it because we did not cut contact completely at first. Going NC worked really well for me. I could see how bad things had been once he wasn't distracting me with his nonsense.
Once I realised the relationship was not what I'd thought it was, the rest fell into place.
Hopefully as soon as a bit of time passes you will realise you have had a lucky escape. In while you will hopefully only cringe if anyone reminds you that you were ever together with the narc.
Good luck.

Thanks Iwould. I'm 5 months post breakup, about 2 months NC. Although I have to see the OW daily as we work in the same place which is definitely slowing my healing..

I am doing much better than I was. My head is there - realising as you said that the relationship wasn't what I thought and his love was never real - now just waiting for my heart to catch up.

I look forward to the day I'll cringe too! Thanks for your support. Hope you are able to make your decision about his friend xx

why on earth would you want to do that?

why on earth would you want to "pursue" a friend of his?

this woman hasnt actually come forward as a friend?

Youre very right in saying you arent in the right head space yet. Of course you arent. But to run after a person that was his friend is just showing you you arent over it.

I suggest you get out of that whatever it is altogher and find friends that have nothing to do with "him"

I would.

I'm not expert on narcs, but I wouldn't hold her acquaintanceship with him against her because if you were taken in by him, obviously other decent people could be taken in by him too.

No. Find other people to make friends with.

I don't see why not. She's just a person that you happened to meet in the past and get on with. I don't think her link to him is of any consequence at all, TBH.

It's fine, I think you're really over-thinking this OP. It's not like she married to him or he's got rabies and she might be infected.

If you click with her then I would. People I click with don't come along every day!

I would ask myself why am I questioning the reasons you want to befriend her.
Friendships usually don't have to be forced, they evolve by themselves because some people have some common ground .
Do you secretly hope that by becoming her friend the unhappy relationship and wasted time you spent with this ex will somehow be atoned?
I would look elsewhere for friends or perhaps catch up with old ones.
She's probably a lovely woman but I think your bitterness might resurface and open up old wounds.
Let sleeping dogs lie.

I wouldn't go out of my way to contact her, tbh.

There are many people in the world. I would avoid anyone who provided a link to that person.

I'm not a fan of amateur online diagnoses, but my mother behaved in a way many people would describe as 'narc'. I wouldn't seek contact now with anyone who would re-establish a link between me and her, however weak. It just wouldn't be worth it.

If narcissism wasn't in the equation, then I could understand people here saying 'yeah, go for it be her friend, why not?'

But you can't. I wouldn't. Like someone said, the fact that you are fretting over this now, before she is even actually in your life, tells you how much you are already anxious about the past garbage of dealing with the narc.

Would you be fretting this much over any other potential new friend? Of course not.

You don't need to feel so desperate for friend that you are actively seeking anything to do with the narc's life (and she is a part of that).

Let her go. Look elsewhere for a friend. Resist your temptation to have a nosey into his life.

What Sophrosyne said...... Good advice

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. I really appreciate your perspective.
I am not (consciously) trying to reopen any contact with him in the here and now - that would be awful.

If she and I did meet up, and if they are still friends, she might mention it to him, he might take it as a green light to contact me, I would have to ignore that... then she would be in an awkward position.

If they are not friends any more, I wouldn't feel any disappointment at not having any link back to him through her (I don't now and I am happy with that).

And I wasn't planning on asking her about him. Though I suppose that in itself would create an elephant in the room.. it would seem odd not to reference how I originally met her years ago.

I feel confident that I am not interested in him now though. If he is happy, fine, if still single and working his way through younger women then fine too. His life not mine- though I slightly wish it was possible to tag him in some way to let the next woman know the risks and avoid.!

I suppose I just feel a bit resentful of him that at a time in my life when I could do with a funny and sparky friend (and Caramel I rarely meet people I click with), there he is being a negative presence if no longer part of my life. Bloody narc!

i have thought about this again and I would never want to go back to being around his manipulation, rages and tears, invented illnesses and embarrassing attention seeking when in a supposedly 'good mood'. Or worse.. The 'joking around'. I remember the anxiety of being out with him in public or with my family feeling stressed about what he would do next. The treatment of people who couldnt answer back (any kind of person in public facing job) was appalling.

The red flags were everywhere but I have accepted that I was younger and was impressed by him and had vulnerabilities of my own that made me a very attractive source of supply for him. Sophros yes I would be worried about revisiting that part of my life in any form just thinking about it again hasn't been very nice. Blue yes I think maybe I may be trying to salvage something good out of that bad time. But like everything to do with him there would be strings attached so I will not contact her.

Iwould You sound very insightful about the whole narc experience. Well done for that! That is monumental given how destructive they can be.

Don't fret too much about friends. Like anything in life, the more you worry about it, the less it will happen. Don't white-knuckle your way through life because it will come when you are ready.

Thank you Sophros it was a long time ago the narc relationship but a very bad time so I have thought about it a lot since. it taught me a lot and makes me appreciate how things are now. YY hopefully the making new friends will work itself out soon.

NO. Absolutely not

And you know it.

I now have a solid marriage and and DC so there's nothing in it for him.

Wake up. What world are you living in??? People with NPD are highly dangerous. You were a former supply source so there will always be something in it for him.

You become friends with this woman, she is bound to still be in contact with him. Sooner or later he'll get to hear about it. He'll be jumping on that hoover faster than you can say jack rabbit. Before you know it, you'll be at a kids party at her house that he "turns up" at/ bumping into him unexpectedly/getting emails from him.

People w NPD as you must know if you were in a relationship with one are highly charming and very VERY skilled at sucking people back in to their web. You are either part of their supply team or not. With them or against them. And if they decide you have injured them, they will cheerfully set about dismantling your reputation and your life.

If you are seriously thinking of opening a tiny chink of a door to this you must be crazy.

Self I hadn't thought that far ahead but yes, actually that is exactly the kind of thing he might do, turn up like that. It would be awful.
If this woman and I did meet up or became friends I just know he'd feel the need to get involved in some way. because any contact with her would all be in reference to him (in his mind anyway) so of course he should be involved to see what we are saying about him, etc.
Thank you for the sense check that really is helpful.