How can I know if I am really the one abusing my husband?
I don't want to write a long post telling the entire story - I began and it was getting too long. I just want to know if anyone else has been in the situation where they are sure that they are being abused emotionally, yet their partner says it is them doing the abuse.
We have been together five years, mid thirties, no kids ( I have 2 older teens from my first marriage that do not live with us) and we have had many arguments recently. They centre on his flirtatious behaviour online, his porn use, his overstretching of our finances, refusal to effectively help with any household tasks (if he does, he will do it badly or a half-job that I have to finish or clear up) , his refusal to have a regular (more than once a month or two months) sex life with me.
I have tried to keep the peace by just putting up with his behaviour and not saying anything. However, this doesn't make any improvement to the sex life ( it actually gets even less frequent!) and if we are not arguing, he pretty much ignores me, and just watches TV or taps away on his mobile. I do not think he is having an affair ( in real life, at least) because he never goes out. I wish he did, these days.
He claims he 'hates coming home' to me, because all we do is argue. However, this usually comes about because I have tried to sit down and get him to address the issues in our marriage and find some answers. He just will not communicate with me, though. He employs every trick in the book to avoid answering any questions, rants, accuses, and talks 'around' everything, going off on tangents until I am confused and frustrated myself. Then he blames me for 'starting an argument' when all I think I did was try to talk, so the arguments stop and we come to a solution.
Is this abuse? I feel abused. I feel sad and empty. I feel too ugly to have sex with. I feel like I can't do anything right. I have even felt very suicidal, but when I tell him this, he says 'oh, that's your argument winner'. But I have attempted it once a couple of years ago, and I would probably have just done it by now if not for my children. It would be a relief, I think, sometimes.
I don't know how to fix this and even whether it is my fault. He says it is, but I know I have made efforts to talk, to listen, and I have never flirted online or lied about money to him.
I have told him that I will file for divorce unless he comes with me to see a counsellor, and he has agreed, but I am still afraid and confused that maybe he is right and I am being abusive without knowing it. I was taking tranquillisers until recently, but I stopped because they turned me into a zombie. While I was on them he complained that I never talked intelligently, and that I always slept, but now he says I just 'moan' if I object to anything he does. He even told me tonight he thinks I am schizophrenic.
I know this is stupid and doesn't make much sense but if anyone knows what I can do to tell if it is me then please advise.